Oscars the Grouch

If you watched the 91st Academy Awards, you probably agree with me that Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper are indeed in love. If you didn't watch the Oscars...I encourage you to read this post of what MY Oscar choices would have been.

My 2018 Oscar Choices 

• Best Picture - Bohemain Rhapsody

In my mind, Best Picture means best movie posters. Bohemian Rhapsody had some dope ones.

• Best Actor  - Jason Momoa, Aquaman

I didn't see it, but I assume. He's gotta act like he's not in love with me everywhere he goes so it's time he gets some recognition.

• Best Supporting Actor - Lin-Manuel Miranda, Mary Poppins Returns

LMM needs to EGOT. And so does Dr. Phil. I stand by that.

• Best Actress - Lady Gaga, A Star is Born

Need I remind everyone that Gaga was a brunette in this film? Now that's what I call acting! Ask anyone from America's Next Top Model and they will tell you a hair makeover is worth AT LEAST an Oscar.

• Best Supporting Actress - Rachel Weisz, The Favourite

She's stunning and such a great actress and I love a love triangle, especially one I'm not involved in, can't wait to see this film.

• Best Original Screenplay - Rachel Daniel, White Girl Wednesday

I think it's time WGW hit the silver screen. I want Shaquille O'Neal to play me.

• Best Original Song - "Shallow", A Star is Born

Because none of the songs in Bohemian Rhapsody are original. And because we stan Stefani Germanotta.

• Best Costume Design - The Favourite

I just think nothing says costumes like a period piece. And I'm not taking about Period. End of Sentence. The costume designer for Aquaman  got to see plenty of Jason Momoa so they've won already.

• Best Animated Feature - Sherlock Gnomes

I did not watch any 2018 animated films but I feel like I know a winner when I see one. And this reminds me of one of my favorite stories ever. When Patrick was in high school his English teacher asked if they could think of any films based on Shakespeare and he yelled "Gnomeo and Juliet!"

• Best Documentary Feature - All My Snapchat Videos of Nathan

If you're not friends with me on Snapchat you are missing out on the cutest baby in the world and all of the weird dances I make him do for my own amusement when his mom's not looking.

• Best Original Music Score - Mary Poppins Returns

If you haven't heard...Lin-Manuel Miranda was in this. Case closed.

• Live Action Short Film - My Wisdom Teeth Removal

That was comedy gold and I dare any academy member to watch it and not laugh.

• Best Sound Editing - Bohemian Rhapsody

Does this mean best soundtrack? Because it should.

• Best Makeup - Me (and Emily)

Because only makeup can take this...

and this...

and give you...a princess.

• Best Short Documentary - Dr. Phil

About time! That man is on the forefront of every major issue facing teens and parents and drug addicts. His acceptance speech "I know you're clapping 'cause your hands are moving!"

• Best Animated Short Film - Bao

Have not seen it but now I really want to. It looks adorable! I wanted a plush version of that little fella.

• Foreign Language Film - Custody, France

In a real twist of events this film is about a custody battle. Just like A Separation, and Iranian film that won this award in 2012.

Get Rid Of

• Best Sound Mixing - Not sure what this really means. Like what movie has the best deejay?

• Best Production Design - I just feel like some sets are more exciting than others, like I would award this to Aquaman personally because the designers all had to hold their breath underwater to make that set happen.

• Best Director - Does this just automatically go to Alfonso Cuaron every year?

• Best Cinematography - I think we can all agree that no one knows what this means.

• Best Film Editing - In order to judge this I would need to watch all of the raw footage and compare it to the final film which is not an endeavor I am willing to partake in.

• Best Visual Effects - I'm not gonna lie, I can never tell when something is CGI. Like did you guys know...Sharknado? Not real sharks.

• Best Adapted Screenplay - If it needs to be adapted in the first place, it can't be that good, am I right?

New Oscars

• Best Promo - Smallfoot 

Zendaya is Meechee if you haven't heard.

• Best Showmance - Rami Malek & Lucy Boynton

Because showmances never last and Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper are destined to be my mom and dad some day.

• Most Girl Power - Ocean's Eight

This flick was sick. I definitely wanted to rob the Met Gala after watching this. And it's always around my birthday so I think I could get in with enough retweets.

• Worst Sequel - Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald

Again, have not seen it yet but I hear it is not centered around that little hedgehog thing so I remain unimpressed. And I hear it sucked.

• Best Netflix Release - The Kissing Booth

Sorry Bird Box, The Kissing Booth is an instant classic. Joey King is a national treasure. We stan Ramona Quimby.

• The Meryl Streep Award - Meryl Streep

I would love for this Oscar to go to Meryl Streep every year unless she wants to give it to someone else. So maybe this year she would have given it to Glenn Close. And years ago she could have awarded it to Leonardo DiCaprio and none of us would have had to suffer through J. Edgar.