Holy Guacamole

I have been making a lot of guacamole lately as part of a months long experiment to test various methods of keeping guacamole fresh. My plan was for this to be over in a couple of weeks but every time I made guacamole I kept eating it all in one go, which made it impossible to determine if it was staying fresh over time since it lasted about 15 minutes.

I was continuing the experiment on Friday because the avocados I had purchased were wayyyyy ripe.

Have you guys heard of Avocado's Law? It states that if you are attempting to purchase avocados to use in the immediate future, all the avocados at the store will look like this.


However, if you need to buy avocados now to use in the future, every avocado available for purchase will be sporting this lovely shade of black plague.


So my avocados looked like the latter picture and had I waited any longer to use them I would have been forced to resort to avocado bread, which I doubt is as good as banana bread.

What I did not account for was that overripe avocados, like all other overripe fruit, is super mushy. So as I slung my knife into the pit, thankful I hadn't wasted 10 dollars on one of those unnecessary avocado tools, everything was good. But when I muscled up to twist that bad boy out, the knife tore through the weakened avocado flesh and into my thumb. Sometimes I don't know my own strength.

Of course my first thought was...did any blood get on the avocado? The answer, thankfully, was no.


My second thought was I really cannot afford stitches. Which was confirmed with a quick Google. That 10 dollar avocado tool wasn't looking so dumb now.


Before you all worry (Pam) it bled for about 45 minutes as I finished preparing my guacamole. Avocados are expensive. I wasn't about to watch 4 dollars go down the drain because of a flesh wound. And I don't mean down the literal drain because been there, done that. Garbage disposals and stone fruits DO NOT mix. And I kept my concern Snapchat followers aware of my progress.


My mom made some super helpful suggestions like "use some krazy glue" and "how about liquid bandaid?" and other nonsense. I decided to go with the liquid bandaid because I figured it couldn't possibly be as bad as I remembered it. I was wrong.


I lived a life with one thumb for days until I decided that re-immersion therapy was the best method. But I had 2 problems. A) I was still down 1 thumb and B) my avocados were not yet ripe because they refuse to cooperate with me. 

I do dream of a world where the guac is so fresh it's made 5 minutes in the future, but this is not what I had in mind. I need a smooth spread and an unripe avocado requires some serious arm muscles to mash down. If you saw my attempt at ziplining this weekend then you know that I lack the upper body strength needed to turn an unripe avocado into anything more than avocado chunks. 

Once again, Google and Wikipedia united to save my life. I managed to use some plastic wrap and a microwave to speed ripen my avos like a mad scientist.


I was so proud of myself for figuring out how to speed ripen those stubborn green devils. I was basking in the glow of a job well done when Ting pointed out the huge avocado recall due to listeria.

I quickly Googled what would happen to me if I got listeria and it seems to only be an issue if you're pregnant. Which I am not. And if I was pregnant I would have so much more to worry about than listeria.

I normally ignore produce recalls because I normally ignore produce. So I had no idea if my area was even affected. Headlines showed me that only 6 states were part of the recall but of course, NC made the cut.


Then I spent like 20 minutes thinking "what a cool coincidence! This guy happens to be named Henry Avocado and then he starts an avocado growing company." before I realized that Henry Avocado is probably the name of the corporation, not a person.

After I helped myself to most of the guacamole, put away most of my laundry and did most of my self-appointed craft homework, I went to bed early. I was so excited to be horizontal get a good night's sleep.

That feeling lasted all of 4 hours because I woke up at 2 AM with the worst acid reflux in my entire life. And I spent hours trying to think of what I had done to deserve that. Citrus gives me terrible acid reflux so I avoid it after lunch. All I had for dinner was guacamole. I finally deduced that it must have been the tomato in my guac. When I was telling Ting this story so I could accept her pity, she pointed out that the more likely culprit was the lime in my guacamole. As in the literal citrus fruit.

So when life gives you limes, make a mojito and give yourself at least a solid 8 hours to digest it.