Bumblin' Around

For a long time I thought I was just too ugly for Bumble but as of late it is the app I am having the most success* with. (Let that sink in.) And way better than Hinge. I put in age preferences of 26 - 38 and every day Hinge wants me to meet a new 24 year old named Matt. I'm sure Matt is a nice guy, he's just not the guy for me. Actually...I take that back. Guys named Matt and Ryan are (I think I legally have to say almost here) always jerks.

The main advantage of Bumble is that women have to message first. The other main advantage of Bumble is that matches & conversations expire after 24 hours if no one makes a move so if a guy doesn't reply to me I can pretend it was a case of temporary thumb paralysis and not a lack of interest.

That's the thing about Bumble. It's like immersion therapy for fear of rejection. At least for me. Rejection used to be my biggest fear. But after years and years of practice I can assure you that it is survivable.

BUT...it's not all bad news. Since I have to decide to send a message, I often beg friends and family members to swipe for me. My youngest brother is pretty good at this. If he wants to swipe he takes it seriously. My oldest brother isn't interested (fake friend) but his girlfriend is a big help. Maybe because her name is Rachel and I’ve told my brother he can’t get married before me because I don’t think the world is ready for TWO Rachel Daniels. So she has a vested interest. My cousins are also game to help. And then I can review their matches before deciding to send a killer opening message like this one.



After that it's a waiting game. Will they respond within the next 24 hours so we can begin a multidimensional courtship that I can complain about on Twitter, brag about on Instagram and joke about on Snapchat? Or will they let our brief window of opportunity lapse because they're busy in solitary confinement like this gentleman who is obviously in prison. Orange may be the new black but it's not my new boo.


Now sometimes I use apps where the men have to message first, but they can be poor sports about the whole thing.


That experience taught me that sometimes it's best to actually read the profiles, or at least the names, and personalize your message.


Guys don't always get my jokes. Which is why my first memoir will be titled Laughing Alone and my last memoir will probably be titled Dying Alone.


A lot of things that sound good in my head don't really translate that well.


But in between all the grammatical errors and emojis (them) and all the typos and corny pickup lines (me) I have managed to get some dates, get somewhat over my fear of rejection and get some new blog readers I hope. I must say I think I'm improving. I honestly might be ready for the big leagues like a Match.com or eharmony even. What's the worst that could happen? I get ghosted? Get stood up? Get a friend request from the guy's mom during our first date? Find out the guy I'm interested in has a wife? Get left in the middle of the date? Because check, check, check, check and check. I'm indestructible.

*Just to clarify, by success I mean like 2 first dates a month. Will report back on what a so-called "second date" is as soon as I experience one.