Jonah is a prophet like in Harry Potter. God tells Jonah to go to a city called Nineveh to tell them all the bad things that will happen to them if they don’t repent. The Ninevites are doing some messed up stuff like putting ketchup on eggs, wearing Sketchers and premarital hand-holding. God is real tired of their antics but Jonah is petty so he doesn’t want to go to Nineveh he wants them to be punished.
So Jonah takes the midnight train going anywhere but Nineveh. He is actually on a boat but there aren’t a lot of songs about boats that made it into this century. It is storming really bad and Jonah realizes it’s either because God needs a Snickers or because God is angry at him. So Jonah requests to be thrown overboard because he suddenly grows a conscience. The other sailors are like “sure, why not?” and toss him over where a big fish swallows him whole! I’m sure it smelled great.
While he is in the fish Jonah prays for forgiveness and also probably throws up a little. After 3 days and nights, the same amount of time it takes to get food at Sonic, the fish spits Jonah up like he’s a vegetable. Jonah finally goes to Nineveh because he learned that God don’t play. The whole city of Nineveh is repentant and God is like “told ya so.”
Jonah is super happy for Nineveh and totally learned his lesson...JUST KIDDING! He’s pouty and just sits outside the city waiting for it to be destroyed like me waiting for my Amazon Prime package that I ordered 3 hours ago. A plant grows and gives him as much shade as he has been throwing at the Ninevites.
Jonah is lucky that God is a better gardener than I am but then a worm destroys the plant. Probably like a Tremors-type worm but Reba was nowhere to be found. Jonah is very triggered by the plant being destroyed and he continues his pout parade.
God is like “Boy. You big mad about a plant but wanted a WHOLE CITY TO DIE. That ain’t it.” and Jonah needs to take a long hard look in a mirror and probably also a long hard soak in a bath.
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