Co-Parenting

It's unsolicited advice corner with Rachel Daniel! My friend Jessica was asking for children's book recommendations for her daughter Vada. As I recommended some classics from my childhood (Coraline, Lord of the Flies, Misery and The Little Mermaid - the original) I realized...I am GREAT at parenting advice! So why not share the wealth? This week I am giving you some of my top notch parenting tips from literature to fashion to travel. Think of me as your co-parent. You're welcome.

The Pout-Pout Fish is a children's book where this fish is just like a major bummer until another fish kisses him and then he's like flexin on everyone. Not a very good message to send our children. BUTTTTTT Goosebumps on the other hand...there's a Goosebumps book for every situation! Does your kid keep begging to go to some expensive summer camp? Have them read Welcome to Camp Nightmare! Are they asking you every day when they can get a dog? Time to check out The Barking Ghost. Is your child for some reason obsessed with collecting garden ornaments? Maybe they should read Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes.

Here's some good news about being a parent - instead of paying $99 for your DNA results AND another $99 for your partner's, you can just use the kid. It's like a BOGO honestly. An added bonus is that it becomes that much harder for the government to pin a crime on you. They only have half your DNA. Suckers. However, I would not recommend this if you have any paternity drama.

Baby crap is expensive. Why blow 50 bucks on a baby beach tent that will be rendered useless in a few years when you could spend way more than that to get a cooler you can use forever? Will your kid always fit in a 4ft x 4ft tent? No. Will they always want cold beverages? Yes. Cut out the middle man and put that baby right in the empty cooler.

Parents need snacks. Sometimes they don't have time for meals at all and have to rely on snack after snack to keep going. Instead of shelling out dozens on protein bars and granola and let's be real...fast food, try puffs! Mama's happy, baby's happy. Puffs are a snack you can share with your kid and 60 of those guys equals 25 calories. We're gonna lose that baby weight together!

Do you think coffins are ridiculously expensive? Because I do. Especially baby coffins. Save money by purchasing vaccines instead.

Gender neutral baby clothing is slowly but surely infiltrating the predominately pink and blue infant textiles market. I don't think that companies are trying to reinforce traditional gender roles but I do think they're trying to reinforce their own pockets by making parents of both genders to re-buy clothes and toys and supplies with their second child. A friend of mine kept the gender of their baby secret until AFTER the baby shower so they wouldn't get only pink/blue items and still didn't do that annoying nonsense of keeping the gender/name secret.

Babies are smarter than they used to be. Toy phones don't really work anymore. The second your baby realizes that the bright green rectangle you just handed them is a toy and not the iPhone 11, they're over it. So give them an old droid instead. Of course if your baby is already an influencer this won't work but taste doesn't develop until 5 months so I bought you some time.

My dad always said that counting to 3 is a terrible tactic if your kid is running in the parking lot. I agree. So instead of counting I recommend a stricter technique. Or literally any technique that won't turn your kid into roadkill. Supernanny fan? Try a naughty spot. Anglophobe? A good old fashioned time out will work too. Is your kid old enough (or cool enough) to have friends other than you? Ground them. And you know...there's always spankings.

Do you really want to watch your child wait for a lightbulb to cook a baked good? And do you want to spend $30 on that lightbulb? I didn't think so. Brownie and cake mixes are like a dollar each. Teach your kid to use the regular oven as soon as possible. And even more importantly, teach them to turn it OFF when they are done. We're still working with Colby on that.

Let's just face it. If your kid is into Frozen, they are going to be asking for every Elsa and Anna tchotchke they see...which will be a lot. So introduce them to some older, obscure G-rated titles like The Thief and the Cobbler and you will NEVER have to worry about a Target meltdown because NO ONE is making The Thief and the Cobbler toys. Aladdin owns that market.

I think we've all seen onesies with some cringey sayings on them. I particularly hate the ones that say "heartbreaker" and stuff like that. Why would you want your child to break hearts? How about we hope for our children to go up to be respectful men who treat women as equals? What's more punk rock than that?

Ring Around the Rosie is rumored to be about a plague-associated rash. Luckily, we are not currently facing a plague pandemic so I would recommend switching to a more realistic disease. This day and age, Miss Me With Those Measles is much more au cuorant than a children's song about buboes. 

Honestly this isn't just for kids, I want one of these too. Instead of spending your hard-earned cash on some trendy suitcase that your kid will outgrow next month, get a scooter suitcase! Fads come and go but I promise your child will never outgrow avoiding physical activity. Luggage is expensive so these are around 100 bucks, but that LOL suitcase on the left is probably 1,000 by my estimation. That LOL crap is so expensive! Blakeley asked for some LOL disco winter palace thing for Christmas that is over $200. And I really did LOL at that.