So last night I met a man we will call Donny Osmond. We were dining and chatting and things were going well. I was regaling him with one of my many, many stories about car trouble. I talked about my students and how excited I was for spirit week. I explained my costume day idea and told him that for Wild West Wednesday I planned to dress as an In-N-Out burger or a Mormon. He was quickly realizing just how captivating I am.
I eventually got hungry so I decided to let him have a turn talking. When I needed to eat more than I needed to talk I hit him with the "enough about me, what about you? what do you think of me?" so I could enjoy my club sandwich. He mentioned that I seemed to have a big family, parents and grandparents close by and a younger brother. I had to explain that I have another brother, Patrick apparently just doesn't get as much airtime as Colby does. And when I asked about his family he informed me that he had 7 younger siblings...
...my first thought was that's dope. That sounds like so much fun and I wanted to hear all of their names and learn ages and dynamics. My second though was but why? So staying true to my motto of "into the brain, out of the mouth" I asked "why? Are you Catholic or Mormon or do your parents just not like sleeping?" which I thought was equal parts jaunty and hilarious.
Until he reminded me that he was from Utah. Now at this point I should mention that my eager devouring of Last Podcast on the Left's series on Mormonism likely exacerbated my pre-existing negative sentiment in regards to the Latter Day Saints. But I am first and foremost a religious scholar so I decided to turn it into a learning experience. I mean sure, at this point there was no way we would go on to date and get married and have 12 kids and no caffeine, but that didn't mean the night had to end.
So I started asking questions. My opener was "are you a Romney?" so it turns out I'm wrong, I'm actually first and foremost a comedian.
Next I asked if he watched Sister Wives and he was not familiar with the series so I had to catch him up on one of TLC's finest. I'm a Christine and I have a feeling he might be a Meri so things were super duper not gonna work. Once I asked how many wives he wanted I toned it down a bit as to not be disrespectful. Or should I say as to not be more disrespectful.
I started asking some real content questions. Specifically I wanted to know if he read the Bible and the Book of Mormon, or just the Book of Mormon, or if he just listened to the Book of Mormon soundtrack. He was not familiar with the musical (sacrilege?) and didn't really answer. He asked me which Bible I read and I said "the Holy one" but also elaborated that KJV/NIV/NET/IDC.
I asked what the Mormon stance on vaccines was and he didn't have an answer, so I turned the tables and asked if he had any questions for me. I apologized for mansplaining his religion to him but honestly it seemed like I knew more about Mormonism than he did.
His response to that was "well, you're obviously mocking it" to which I replied "obviously."
I physically couldn't stop myself. Honestly thank God he wasn't a scientologist or so help me Tom Cruise I would have driven home and returned to the restaurant wearing my "Shelly Miscavige is missing" shirt. I promise I tried to rein it in but this date went from good time to hate crime faster than you can say temple garment.
From a lifelong obsession with other religions and true crime, I knew that Mormons are really into DNA research and ancestry.com and all that so I asked if he could trace his lineage to Brigham Young or Joseph Smith. He said no which I feel is impossible...ole Brighy had 56 kids THAT WE KNOW OF. So maybe he was just being humble?
He kept pointing out that only some fundamentalists practiced polygamy and I assured him I knew that I just found it fascinating since it's a religion so different from mine. Then he kind of tried to pitch Mormonism to me even though he is too old to be on his mission and I am too old to be a Mormon bride (I kid! I kid!).
He explained that he really appreciated the values he was raised with and asked me what exactly I disagreed with about the Mormon faith and I think he honestly expected me to not have an answer.
Here's the thing. You can ask my students. I make up answers all the time. NEVER underestimate me and my refusal to admit to not knowing something.
At this point the gloves had to come off. I began with a surprisingly smug (even for me) "well, actually" and concluded with how offensive I find the fact that the Mormon church claimed to have posthumously baptized Holocaust victims into the Mormon faith. He was also unaware of this practice (was he trolling me?) even though this wasn't some Joseph Smith shenanigan, this happened in the 1990s. While I was listening to my Britney Spears cassette there were Mormons attempting to pray an entire generation of Jews that died of religious persecution into Mormon heaven.
After that things really wound down. Bringing up genocide on a first date really dampens the mood. We parted amicably and the first thing I did when I got into my car after dinner was text my sibling group chat (Patrick, Colby & Patrick's girlfriend). They had so many questions. Colby was really curious as to why I didn't know he was a Mormon before the date. Fair question. His profile said Christian not cult member. How was I to know?
Is Mormonism part of Christianity? Probably depends on who you ask. Was I a real jerk on this date? Probably yes. Am I open to marrying a Mormon? Definitely no. But the tone of this blog is really tongue in cheek and often foot in mouth. I am naturally dramatic IRL and on the page and I can assure you no Mormons were harmed in the making of this blog post.
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