Vaxplanation

As we all know, if there's one thing I love it's Jeff Goldblum. But if there's two things I love it's Jeff Goldblum and vaccines.

So today we're going to have a little science lesson. Let me make it clear that I do not understand science. At all. But I have friends who do and they explained this to me. So buckle up, I'm Ms. Frizzle now.

Basically, viruses are like house plants. So your body makes some little Rachels to kill them. Your body also makes this chemical called interferon when it recognizes a virus. And interferon's job is to make life real miserable for the house plants so they will want to leave. The interferon is bullying the house plants and in the process, it also makes you feel like poop.

But then eventually, you get better! Or you die. When I got my flu shot, my body made A TON of interferon because the flu shot acts like a fake house plant. It's not really a house plant but your immune system is a dog (or a guest) who is a little stupid, so your immune system is like "it's a house plant! Attack!" and then starts mass producing interferon. This leads to some people believing that the flu shot gave them the flu. That is not how any of this works. If you have a really strong immune system you can easily have a strong reaction to the flu shot.

And if y'all thought I was dramatic...you should have seen how my body overreacted to the influenza vaccine. Good news is, you can still read about it.

I got a flu shot at Walgreens and I was totally fine aside from my arm being miserably sore. And I got the shot in my right arm because I'm an idiot so I was constantly reminded of my own stupidity. I felt fine when I went to bed but I woke up at 3:00 AM with extreme chills, I was shivering, could not get back to sleep I was so cold. I was wrapped in one fuzzy blanket and my comforter and pulled my arm out to grab my phone to check the time. Just that made my teeth chatter. 

I knew I had to do something. The only thing I could think of (besides the weighted blanket that was all the way in Emily's room because it IS Emily's blanket) was my raccoon onesie. So I kept shaking for a good 20 minutes, working up the courage to go get my onesie from my closet.

I finally darted into my closet and zipped up the onesie over my icicle corpse. I grabbed some fuzzy socks too for good measure. I wrapped myself up into a fuzzy blanket and comforter burrito and texted Emily something real dramatic like "come see me before you leave for work, if I live into the morning" since work was cancelled for me due to Hurricane Michael.

Astonishingly, I lived. I woke up around 6:00 AM and I wasn't shaking anymore but I did still feel like I was dying. Horrible headache and fatigue all over. I took some Advil and a nap and woke up to discover that I had survived.

Naturally, everyone was really concerned.

I am happy to still be in the land of the living and if anyone needs any medical scenarios explained to them I think this blog post proves that I'm your girl. If, however, you need a plant watered, you are barking up the wrong plastic ficus. 

Macdeath

A few weeks ago I made a CliffsNotes version of the book of Esther for Yom Kippur and I must say, it was a big hit. So this week I am doing CliffsNotes of Macbeth - but with a twist! Because I have never read or studied Macbeth in any capacity. Don't get me wrong, I am a nerd. Just not the "read Shakespeare that isn't assigned by a teacher" type of nerd. But I did see a performance of an abridged version of Macbeth last week. Here are my notes.

Let's start with the cast. We have witches. Dope. I'm here for it. There's also a king. And obviously there's Macbeth. Is he a king too? He has a title. He's someone. No Scrooge McDuck unfortunately. The king has a personal assistant named Malcolm which is def a stalker name. And there's also Banquo. And I think he's a fighter pilot based on his jacket even though that seems anachronistic. Lady Macbeth is like a momager. She's Kris Jenner. There's also the Macduff family but they're not much.

• Okay this guy...the king...is limping. Is that part of it or did the actor wreck his bike yesterday?
• From what I can gather, someone has died and they're giving his title to Macbeth. Is there an inheritance tax on that?
• Macbeth is both the Thane of Cawdor and Thane of Glamis? Is that like being a duchess? Does he know Meghan Markle?
• I think there is some spell casting happening. 
• I am LIVING for Lady Macbeth's outfit.
• Lady Macbeth is telling Macbeth to be a Slytherin but he's a Hufflepuff who really really really wants to be a Gryffindor.
• Oh wait someone is being assassinated, I think I missed something important.
• Macbeth is telling his wife to stop but I don't think she's gonna listen.
• There's a long speech about breastfeeding.
• There is a lot of kissing in this play, everyone is going to get mono.
• I got mono my first year of college and told my dad it must be from reading the Bible too fervently.
• I think he bought it.
• Ohhhh King Duncan got murked.
• Lady Macbeth is all about "it's 5 o'clock somewhere" homegirl is in her cups.
• Lady Macbeth says that someone looked just like her dad...do we need to call The Maury Show?
• Macbeth is totally whipped.
• Macbeth either has guilt-induced insomnia or the Italian sleeping sickness.
• Probably the former because I think he's Scottish but there is a disappointing lack of accents.
• Macbeth has obviously never listened to My Favorite Murder because he is carrying the murder weapon around with him even though he was supposed to leave it with the guards to frame them.
• Lady Macbeth has to do the framing, never send a man to do a woman's job.
• But also don't send Lady Macbeth to do a job unless that job is murder she's kind of a one-trick pony.
• I think Banquo is wasted now too.
• Is Macduff Malcolm X?
• Lady Macbeth faints as a diversion. Or maybe she had some bad haggis. Is there such a thing as good haggis?
• Now Macbeth is like the interim king...but Banquo gets to be king later? Or his son does? Are they like tag teaming it?
• Lady Macbeth is like a Teen Mom 2 producer but Macbeth suddenly has a mind of his own.
• Now we meet Lady Macduff and she is oh too late to really analyze that character she got murdered too.
• Malcolm is kind of like Lyanna Mormont. Always tryna start something.
• Macduff and Macbeth are trying to kill each other. 
• Macduff kills Macbeth and everyone claps so I guess we like Macduff.
• Macduff makes Malcolm king. 
• I did not see that coming.
• Game over.

Epidural West

Last night I got a text that my cousin was at the hospital! In labor! Real labor not like the last time when she was having intense contractions and they sent her home. She still managed to have a good time at her dad's birthday party while having contractions every 15-20 minutes.

Before you feel too bad for Brittany, keep in mind that from behind she didn't look pregnant at all. This is my impression of Brittany going maternity clothes shopping..."oh, guess I will get a medium." And she lost almost 7 pounds at 3:00 AM! She's probably back to her pre-pregnancy weight as you're reading this.

Once we got the news that she was back in the hospital but for real, I of course sent helpful and encouraging messages like "I have to plan the first outfit the baby will see me in" and "I already have my Instagram caption planned" and "tomorrow afternoon really works best for me but no pressure, just something to keep in mind."

After the initial excitement wore off I realized there were a few numbers in the group text that I didn't recognize. You know what that means. Shabooya! Sha, sha, shabooya! Roll call!


FYI, I am almost always the one talking about Instagram. And Kelsey is almost always the one talking about quitting.

Okay, maybe she gets that from me.

As usual, no one matched my enthusiasm so I took over the roll calls for everyone else.


You're welcome.

This morning I woke up to the good news that Brittany had her baby! And she didn't even poop during the birth! It's a.......libra!

In the last few weeks, every time I put my hand on Brittany's belly the baby high fived me so I can already tell I'm his favorite. He especially loves when I sing him Fleetwood Mac songs.

While I was visiting he had to go take a hearing test. He passed it really fast so I guess he's already advanced. I asked Brittany if she was scared about letting the baby leave the room and go somewhere she can't see him for the test. She informed me that these days babies have little anti-theft devices on them so the nurses can't leave the floor with the babies. Pretty high tech.

Before seeing the baby I requested my vaccination records from my doctor's office to make sure everything was up to date. My mother felt like that was overkill but you know what? I believe in vaccines. I made sure to scrub in before holding the baby too and I didn't even kiss his little face. Just his head. It was an amazing show of restraint.

I will of course be creating an Amazon Wish List so you guys know what to get me for (god) Mother's Day. Keep in mind that it will be super close to my birthday so if you want to just get one big gift that is fine. I'm very accommodating.

Are You a Karen or a Georgia?

Take this quiz to find out which member of the My Favorite Murder crew you are.

1. Do you frequently forget the names of well-known actors?
A. It's always on the tip of my tongue!
B. Not usually.
C. If I do I just google them.
D. I remember the Keebler Elf.

2. Do you prefer cats to dogs?
A. Yes! But dogs are great too!
B. Nah.
C. 1000%
D. I prefer cookies.

3. Do you find yourself at vintage shops and estate sales on the regular?
A. Of course.
B. Is Target vintage?
C. Vintage mustache comb sales...yes!
D. Vintage cookie sales...yes!

4. Can you rock a blunt bang?
A. You know it girl!
B. I prefer a softer bang.
C. Bangs clash with mustaches.
D. I do not have bangs. I have cookies.

5. Do you live for cold cases?
A. I LOVE them!
B. I like my crimes like I like my crossword puzzles. Solved.
C. I live for cats.
D. I live for cookies.

6. How do you feel about survivor stories?
A. They're solid.
B. MY FAVES! Perfect for retelling.
C. Neutral.
D. I can't survive without cookies.

7. What is the best part of having siblings?
A. Having funny stories to tell about when you were growing up.
B. Having nieces and nephews.
C. Having someone to cat-sit.
D. Being the favorite.

8. Where would you fit into the television world?
A. Hosting a show
B. As a writer
C. Behind the scenes producing
D. Cookie Monster's understudy

9. What style of funny are you?
A. Punny funny
B. Comic funny
C. Subtly funny
D. Predictably funny

10. Can you whistle?
A. Weet woo!
B. Yes
C. No, my mustache hairs interfere
D. For cookies, yes.

Mostly As
GEORGIA HARDSTARK
Vintage. Drinks. House dresses. With pockets. Elvis. And others.
Best* quote: "Later days, latter days."

Mostly Bs

KAREN KILGARIFF
Cheek bones. Comedy. Television. Irish. Stuff. In walls.
Best* quote: "We all know babies. Quit bragging."

Mostly Cs
STEVEN RAY MORRIS
Mustache. And cats. And more cats. And also your mustache.





Mostly Ds
ELVIS
Cookies. And cookies. And cookies. And cookies. And cookies.
Best quote: "Meow!"

Did not answer because you're fiercely private
FRANK & GEORGE!
Escaping the yard. And the spotlight.

*more like only quote, the internet is full of MFM quotes but none of them are attributed so here we are

I Can Eat When I Finish This

Happy Yom Kippur! Today I fasted to celebrate Judaism's holiest day, also known as the Day of Atonement.

Not this.

But this.

I know what you're thinking..."But Rachel" you say, "you're not Jewish." And you're right. Sort of. I'm a Christian but I choose to celebrate some Jewish holidays because of my own Jewish ancestry and an affinity for the Jewish people. And Judaism and Christianity aren't diametrically opposed...they're in agreement at least 50% of the time. Besides - Yom Kippur is about repentance, taking a day to fast and reflect, and hopefully do better in the future. I say everyone is invited! It's not like come December I'm jumping ship to Hanukkah to party for 8 days. I can barely SPELL Hanukkah. I mainly observe Yom Kippur and Purim in the same way that I celebrate Dia de los Muertos with my Mexican students. Joining another culture I have connections to for a day and learning about experiences different than my own.

Normally fasting just causes me to commit more sins like envy and anger and just generally being obnoxiously irritated but today I didn't even think about food much until lunch. The cafeteria was serving my favorite...cheese dippers. How Michelle Obama managed to stuff nutritional content into so many carbohydrates I will never know. But I sincerely approve of her school lunches on every level except price. Guys. The rolls got BIGGER. Count me in.

Sorry. 20 hours in to a 25 hour fast and I am easily distracted by food. I also like to use days like today to educate people about Judaism. In college I studied Islam & the Middle East because I love learning about the intersection of Islam, Judaism and Christianity. I have loved learning about the religions and cultures of the Middle East for as long as I can remember. When I was little my favorite story was Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves from One Thousand and One Nights. Scheherazade further enchanted me with Aladdin and I took a 2 year detour in college studying surrealism in Iranian literature. Trust me, it comes in handy all the time.

Recently I was explaining to my roommate that a long, long time ago, on the Iberian Peninsula, Muslims and Jews and Christians were like...chill. They all lived in Spain together and didn't fight they just shared and stuff. Emily had a genius theory as to why this worked...her exact words..."that just shows the importance in a society of..." and I am on the edge of my seat, waiting for her to say, oh I don't know - tolerance, acceptance, separation of church and state. Nope. She said naps. She thinks that Spain's siesta policy resulted in centuries of peace between 3 historically warring religions. I suppose we can't disprove that.

My favorite Jewish holiday is Purim, a day to commemorate the Jewish people being saved in the story of Esther. Let me tell you, The Prince of Egypt and Joseph: King of Dreams are both amazing cinematic experiences but women of the Bible...incomparable. My favorite, favorite, favorite book of all time is The Red Tent and 2 years ago I was Moses's wife, Zipporah, for Halloween. No one recognized me. When did Midianites go out of style?

But probably my favorite Bible character of all time (besides Rachel, duh) is Esther (or Hadassah). Here's the CliffsNotes. 

Esther is a Jewish girl (or leek, if you follow those vegetables and their tales) raised by her cousin or uncle (they did not have ancestry.com back then) Mordecai (Mordecai is a grape for those of you keeping score at home). The King of Persia at the time, Ahasuerus (aka Xerxes I aka Jerkxes I), gets rid of his queen for not wanting to be a nudist. Ahasuerus (a zucchini) picks Esther to be his new wife and appoints some guy named Haman (a gourd with a mustache) to be his like advisor slash BFF. Mordecai refuses to bow down to Haman on account of Haman not being the God of Israel and also I am not even sure if grapes are capable of bowing...it doesn't really get much lower. Haman is big mad and decides to seek revenge on all the Jews. Haman is a snake and gets Ahasuerus to make a royal decree to slay all the Jews. This is major overkill. Literally. Mordecai begs Esther to talk to the king and stop Haman. Esther is afraid because she could be put to death just for going to speak to Ahasuerus...her husband...without him sending for her (toxic masculinity). Esther and all the Jews fast for 3 days and on the 3rd day she talks to Ahasuerus. Ahasuerus has a total Bad Blood moment and realizes that Haman is the worst. He orders Haman to be hanged on the gallows that Haman built to hang Mordecai on. Ahasuerus can't revoke the decree but makes an addendum that the Jews can defend themselves. And defend themselves they do. The Jews end up killing most of their would-be assassins.

So as you can clearly see, the theme of Esther is that men are weak. Homeboy was all set on destroying the Jews until his wife was like "plot twist - I'm a Jew" so then he was all "oh real talk? nvm then." Just like that.

The secondary theme is that it sucks to be Haman.

Paint Therapy

Ya girl will be selling wreaths, paintings & more at a street craft fair in October!

But if you don't want to buy from me...

here is how the magic happens.








Here are some before & after pictures that show how the drying processes alters the appearance of the paintings.

Invader Him

Today's post will sound like a rant, mainly because that's exactly what it is. The following post will be nothing but rhetorical questions, facts (what I like to call my opinions), and stories issued in the form of complaints from my final summer of college. Enjoy :)

Let me also preface this post by saying that I have a particular talent for having bad random roommates. Some people always pick the slowest cashier, or always have their order messed up at restaurants. I'm constantly forced to live with, let's just say...challenging individuals. Any incoming college freshman, please don't be concerned. In all likelihood you will never have to live with people like the ones described in this post, I know several people who have had great luck with random roommates. I'm just not one of them.

Prequel:

For most of the year she wasn't so bad. Of course, she went to bed every night at about 8PM and didn't wake up until well after 9AM, so I had to prepare for bed and the day with no lights, no noise and no hope of looking presentable. As far as I can tell she was majoring in Netflix with a minor in boyfriend-from-home drama. Between her occupying our room 24/7 and never going home for the weekend, I really won the roommate lottery (SARCASM). Needless to say, I spent a lot of time hiding out in Hannah's room sophomore year. And Taylor's room. And Caroline's room. And Alex's room. And anyone else who would have me.

Things really got interesting the last week of school. Allow me to set the stage. We are not the kind of roommates who go to parties together. Or go to dinner together. Or share things. Or interact ever in any capacity. At this point, she has moved some of her stuff home, including the all-important futon, so there is no seating in the room other than our beds. She leaves for a few days, for maybe the second time all year. I am pumped! I get to like, actually have a room for a little while. I invite my friends over to watch The Breakfast Club because I've been occupying their rooms all year and now I can finally share my room with them. Here's my mistake, with 5 friends piled onto my bed and 1 sitting in a chair, there's no room for me. So I sit on my roommate's bed. I know we aren't close, but I really do not think this will be a big deal. I even wonder if I should lock the door but remember she shouldn't be back for a few days still. That should have been my sign, if you have to lock the door first, you shouldn't be doing it.

You see where this is going. I was wrong. She came back. She saw me on her bed. She stormed out. Seriously, it looked like a scene from a movie where a girlfriend walks in on her boyfriend cheating on her, it was that dramatic. My friends all said she was going to murder me in my sleep. My friends who had heard her complaining about me on the phone all year. I am very curious as to what she complained about. As far as roommates go I'm obviously perfect.

So I texted her explaining that I was sorry. I also explained that for the combined 7 hours and 23 minutes she had spent outside our room all year I had never sat on her bed. She did not accept the apology. She was very rude to me. The same roommate who spilled liquor on my desk and my makeup could not believe that I had touched her bed. With less than 7 days left in the school year she bought entirely new bedding. She said that I knew how she felt about germs. Correction...I knew that she liked to clean. I had no idea this was a Howie Mandel-level germaphobia. "I like to be tidy" in no way translates to "I am deathly afraid of people in a shared living space touching my things." And we never spoke again.

Main Feature:

It should probably be stated that I would react to most any random roommate with hostility as I'm not a fan of new people or human interaction. But this guy really takes the cake. As in if I had a cake in the fridge he would have taken it, keep reading, you'll see.

I've come to refer to this one exclusively via clever monikers based on the 2000s Nickelodeon cartoon Invader Zim (Invader Him, Invader Dim, Invader Grim, Invader You're The Worst Please Leave). Imagine my surprise as I raced down the walkway to my house (tbh not running, more like walking with a purpose) to find large house plants chilling on either side of my door. Still not sure if they're real or fake. What college student has house plants? These aren't cute little potted succulents or window plants, I'm talking big whatever the plural of ficus is.

I have this thing where if the plural version of a word sounds weird to me I refuse to use it. I just work around it. I still use it to this day when I tell my students that I will be handing everyone a syllabus or when I talk about one single octopus and all his friends that I saw on the Discovery Channel.

So I'm already thinking "wow this guy brought house plants" when I walk into what used to be my living room. It now looks like an area where someone tried to play The Floor Is Lava, realized they suck at that game, and decided to cover every square inch with furniture in order to complete a round. Another possible explanation is they decided to combine Tetris and Jenga in the area formerly known as my living room. I am very confused as to why this guy felt that it was a good idea to bring enough furniture to fill 2 bachelor pads, quantity-wise and style-wise. But I'm still in a hurry so I head to my room to pack and he tries to introduce himself. I think I mumbled something like "hi I'm sorry I'm in a rush" and a beautiful friendship was not born. I realize this was rude of me but I was actually in a hurry and I'm a jerk sometimes.

After being gone for a week, I come back home to find that all of my things have been moved from the cabinets and refrigerator and placed onto his tables. Now I didn't have a lot of perishables in the fridge, but this is a matter of principle. I have one roommate who is completely out of town this month and she had some groceries in the fridge that were ruined.

So in the midst of being confused as to why he felt the need to move my things I, being an understanding human being, looked for reason. Well the cabinets were pretty crowded, I told myself. Perhaps he collects kitchenware like he collects furniture and needed room for his dishes. So I check the cabinets and discover that many of them are empty. He needed to move my things to make room for...nothing. Now in his defense, he needed to make room in the fridge for his homemade jam. That's right, my single Gatorade was wasted space but room must be cleared for a dozen vials of homemade jam. That he made. On the counter. In a device that looked like a set of hot rollers.

After several random roommate incidents you begin to reflect and start to question yourself. "Am I the problem?" and "What are my faults as a roommate?" and other questions without answers. What I've concluded is that I am afraid of confrontation, passive aggressive, ridiculously messy when I'm working on a project, incapable of adjusting the thermostat and I use 99% of the ice in our house. Perhaps this new guy emailed his parents to complain about the rude girl he's living with who watches One Tree Hill until 2 in the morning and has a different cup for every day of the year. I wish him the best and am insanely curious to see how he will tackle sharing a fridge with other roommates in the future.