Little Woman, Big Bill

Let's talk about the best film of the year. Aside from my Instagram stories. Little Women. 

Actually, the 2 are combined here.

I'm sure by now you have all heard that Saoirse Ronan gave a masterful performance...as expected. She played Jo, the Carrie Bradshaw of the March sisters. When you're little girls (or Little Women, I suppose) everyone thinks they're Jo but you know you're the only real Jo in your friend group. No matter how many times Sarah is like "I'm Jo because I'm going to move to New York" and you're like "shut up Sarah, your mom packs a Hostess cupcake in your lunch every day and you whine when it's vanilla instead of chocolate, you're NOT Jo" and that kind of makes you Amy, doesn't it? 

But anyway. What I was not expecting was to leave the theater loving Amy March thanks to Florence Pugh. The whole film was just fantastic. What was not fantastic...aside from Greta Gerwig not being nominated for best director...was part of my movie-watching experience.

See I went to see Little Women on a date. A first date. (Those are the only kind I have.) And I saw it at CineBistro. I had never been there before but when my date suggested dinner and movie I counter-offered that we combine the two because if you don't run your schedule your schedule will run you.

We arrived at the theater and my date paid for our tickets. The tickets themselves were a lot more than I thought they would be. I think $17 or $18 each. As we walked to our cinema, he made a joke about our next date needing to be at a park or something and I thought oh jeez, he already wants a refund but I decided to walk it off because I was dying to see the movie.

We were seated and the waiter began explaining the process to us since we hadn't been to a CineBistro before. And as my date was asking the waiter questions I realized that he thought all of the food was included. I don't necessarily blame him because the tickets were ridiculously expensive even for such a sprawling metropolis as Cary, North Carolina. But there were prices on the menu, surely he would see them, right? I didn't know what to do. Do I womansplain the way menus work to him our first time meeting? And isn't there a chance that I'm wrong? I mean I've never been wrong before but you never know. So I just let it happen.

It was like when you're playing foosball and you're able to stop some of the fast shots but then a slow one just rolls by your men and into the goal. And you watch the whole thing happen in slow motion but are powerless to stop it. It's like your brain and your body stop communicating. You reach for the bars but can't find the right ones. You try to twist them into position but your wrists don't know which way to go. Does this happen to anyone else or am I just really bad at foosball?

So I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, a $12 appetizer, and he ordered a salad. And a glass of wine. And some calamari. The waiter punched in our order on his tablet and it printed out a bill. My date took the bill and I watched as he looked it over and eventually realized that the Arabic numerals beside each menu item weren't purely decorative. Now we wait.

Would he pull a Charles Daniel and say "so nothing is included with the $20 ticket? Are the Rold Golds here made of real gold?" loudly so that the other patrons could agree with him and perhaps revolt?

Would he be a Karen and ask to speak to the manager? Please don't make a scene, please don't make a scene.

That's when he looked at me and asked if I had a card. And I said yes. Because what can you do? I didn't want to make this a whole thing, a note my date should have taken earlier, so I said yes. He asked the waiter to split the bill and the waiter confirmed that he wanted everything split down the middle and my date said yes. 

So I paid $30. The waiter seemed to be very empathetic that my date wasn't realizing that his meal was a lot more expensive than mine. But I did the math. I had technically covered my ticket and my meal, no matter the order of operations. So there would be no "thank you for dinner" unless I was thanking myself for my dinner. Which I paid for. Myself.

So I sat there and watched a movie that I paid $18 to see. And ate tater tots that I paid $12 to eat. With a man who had ostensibly just asked me to split a bill he was more than 3/4s responsible for. I don't demand to be treated to expensive gifts and dates and dinners. I don't expect to be pampered. But I also don't want to be robbed. He knows I'm a teacher. He made a comment about how teachers don't get paid enough. I practically live in the genteel poverty that Little Women exemplifies.

It's okay. I've moved on. I enjoyed the movie. I cried the whole time. My mascara stayed put. It was beautiful. And  then I made guesses at which zodiac signs matched which March sisters. I am hoping that I recover from this ordeal with the wisdom of Meg. The determination of Jo. The kindness of Beth. And the pout of Amy.

Cats! Inspired By Cats!

If you do not get the title reference please Google it. This is VERY important.

Only once you have watched that video in its entirety should you attempt to watch my video review of Cats the movie.

 

TL;DR Cats the movie doesn't suck - Cats the musical sucks. Can't make cat food out of cat poop.

Hindsight

You didn't ask, and I delivered. 20 new things to try in the year 2020. Or not. You do you.


1. Watch a show other than Friends. I love Friends as much as the next phalange. But Netflix has spoken. It's time to move on.

2. Stop asking for advice on Facebook. Think about the idiots that you're friends with on Facebook. Don't go there for parenting advice. If you want advice you have exactly 4 options. Ask your mom, ask my mom, write in to MBMBAM or watch Dr. Phil.

3. Visit Sanford, NC. Now that the bridge in Carbonton is complete there's a whole new world to explore. There's a real nice Kiwanis park. Check that out.

4. Cheese curds. Ya gotta eat em. That's dairy. Y'all want weak bones? I don't. I know the concept is a little gross. Don't think. Just eat.

5. Buy something from Rareform. It's a great company, check them out. Bags and such made from recycled billboards which makes them pretty weather/spill proof. And some excellent customer service & coupons.

6. Try clicking ads on this very blog. What do you have to lose?

7. Watch Last Week Tonight. Get politically informed. Right now some of y'all are out here looking like the Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party. Being apolitical ain't cute.

8. Use cookie cutters. Just experience what it is to roll out cookie dough instead of spooning it out. It will make you appreciate every decorated cookie you've ever eaten much more because it is such a pain in the butt to do.

9. Save every $20 bill you get in 2020. This seems unrealistic but just think of all the money you would have if you stored away each bill featuring ole AJ that you got all year and also this is crazy don't do this. Live a little.

10. Get a flu shot. I don't care how many times you have or haven't had the flu.

11. Proofread your social media posts BEFORE posting them. Maybe do a quick Google search if you have a grammar question. Ask Alexa?

12. Try pineapple in A.1. steak sauce. That's it. I just think it's really good.

13. Learn what exactly is up with the American healthcare system. Then explain it to me.

14. Teach yourself to tap dance. I really want to learn how to tap dance. So I think I'm going to DIY it and it would be cool to have some partners.

15. Look through old pictures. Not like you in college because that's just depressing but like you as a kid. When you didn't care how you looked.

16. Participate in the census. And while you're at it, maybe read the Constitution. Just give it a glance.  Know your rights.

17. See a movie alone. I do this all the time when my family is going to the movies and I have no interest in seeing whatever superhero or Star Wars movie they're watching but still want my dad to pay the price of admission. It's liberating.

18. Try cricket flour. Entomophagy is the future. Eating insects is the most sustainable source of protein and this premise really intrigues me. Should it really be taboo or is that just cultural bias? Spoiler alert...it IS cultural bias. We gone do it together.

19. Make sure your sunscreen isn't expired. That's a thing. It happens. Replace it if you need to BEFORE you learn the hard way.

20. Make a charitable donation of any kind. It will make you feel good, help others and give you the right to be pretentious about it too. It's a win-win-win.

Here's the NativiTEA

In the beginning, there were taxes. Little Caesar decided to tax the entire world. He was hot and ready for some money. This was before PayPal and Venmo so everyone had to go to their hometown to pay taxes. And you thought high school reunions couldn't get any worse.

So ya boy Joseph did some ancestry.com and turns out, he was from the line of David. So he needed to go to Bethlehem to pay his taxes. But there were no Ubers, so this was a long and stressful journey. Kind of like a trip to Walmart during a holiday weekend.

No one likes to road trip alone (except for drifter serial killers and even then Henry Lee Lucas brought a plus one) so he brought his fiancée Mary. Now Mary was pregnant - which was quite the scandal - but the voice of God determined that Joseph was NOT the father. 

According to her Fitbit, Mary was due to give birth on the trip. Not ideal because her OB-GYN was not from the line of David, they weren't really familiar with the hospitals in the area but what can you do? 

Joseph did not make the Holiday Inn reservations when Mary told him to so there were no vacancies when they arrived. I mean it was Christmas Eve after all, what did he expect? Men. Airbnb wasn't in the area yet so they stayed in a barn. Not like the rehabilitated rustic country chic barns that people are getting married in lately but like. A barn barn. Animals included. 

Mary gave birth to a baby boy and they DIYed some blankets and a crib for him. Meanwhile, there were some shepherds working third shift nearby. God sent an angel to tell them about the birth because visiting hours at the barn were almost over and He didn't want them to miss it.

The shepherds were terrified because they had never seen an angel before they had only heard about them on reddit conspiracy theory subs. So the angel told them not to be afraid because it was good news - the savior was born in Bethlehem. And now they were the first to know about it. Take that WikiLeaks. 

The shepherds were like we gotta check that out. As Instagram influencers it is our duty to report back #update #itsaboy #capricornszn. So they headed to the barn as fast as they could, snapped some cute selfies and shared with all of their followers.

After that things got REAL.*

 S  E  A  S  O  N  S   G  R  E  E  T  I  N  G  S  ! 

Christmas

Hanukkah

Non-denominational


*Loosely based on Luke chapter 2.

Real Housewives of ???

It was recently announced at BravoCon that a new city was joining the Real Housewives franchise. 2020 will give us an in-depth look at the social scene of Salt Lake City. Many fans were confused at the location choice but if this is going to feature Mormon mommy bloggers I am all for it. Imagine all the trips and shopping and lunch dates we will see when the housewives aren't burdened with childcare. How much free time would you have if you could hand your kids off to a sister wife?

Now if it's just ladies skiing...I imagine it going downhill (LOL) fast. So I have come up with a list of suggestions for new cities that I think would be a ton of fun. Andrew Joseph Cohen - if you're reading this - call me. I'm happy to pitch any of these.


Picture it. Everyone is trying to get their big break into showbiz. Watch as 5 to 7 white women juggle vocal lessons, dance class and probably plastic surgery. It's Mozart in the Ozarks in this musical city. Someone's husband is an acrobat, but watch what happens when he's caught contorting with another woman! Who will have tearful breakdown in line for zip lining?

Best Tagline: I'm a triple threat. I sing, I dance and I shop!


How many pairs of Hunter rain boots does a housewife need? Only one way to find out...filming in Portland! Gossip over cold brew, Voodoo Doughnut catered parties and some soccer guest stars? Instead of designer shopping sprees watch as the ladies scour local thrift stores for Doc Martens and mason jars. When one of the women starts using honey again, the other vegans shame her to shreds.

Best Tagline: All Oregon Trails lead to me!


Just imagine all the debauchery that would go on as the girls hit up NASCAR races together. Who will be left out of the group trip to Disney World? Who will have a fling with a spring breaker boy toy after her husband cheats? One thing’s for sure. You can count on plenty of white women, white sand and white lies.

Best Tagline: I left my checkered past behind for checkered flags!


Think of all the casseroles. And the cheese. And the dairy drama when someone’s kid doesn’t get into the best Catholic school in Wiscansin (not a typo) on a 4H scholarship. I watched Kyle cater formal events with Fatburger for years I think I’ve earned some Culver’s screen time. Faith, family, football and fake teeth.

Best Tagline: I'm not cheesy, but my cooking is!



And it's only drag queens. I'm tuning in. Apparently Provincetown, Massachusetts hosts some of the best drag queens every summer. Provincetown has open town meetings like Gilmore Girls and is located at the tip of Cape Cod, giving me some Berzerkshires vibes. Just imagine housewives bidding against each other for unique pieces from Provincetown’s vibrant art scene. This season, the library is open.

Best Tagline: Of all the housewives, I’m the LGBTCutest.


I know what you're thinking, another hipster housewives? But no. RHOA2 will feature pageant moms. Universal Royalty headquarters hosts a ton of pageant moms annually. Shopping for glamorous girly gowns together turns ugly when you all want the last pink cupcake dress. The new housewife refuses to go glitz, fan favorite is pregnant again but...it's another boy! Save the drama for your pageant mama.

Best Tagline: I won't let anyone judge me, but my kids are fair game.


This is an obvious choice, right? Bachelorette parties every weekend, album releases, bar crawls and some drunken bike rides by the Cumberland River. You though the Predators’ hockey fights were brutal? Wait until you see a housewife get called a wannabe Reba. The claws and the insults are coming out.

Best Tagline: These boots were made for walkin’...not trash talkin’.

Rachel Daniel Makes Oreo Truffles (and More Importantly...A Mess)*

Ho ho holiday treats! Today is a tutorial on one of my favorites...oreo truffles! I was first introduced to these at a Bible study in college. I was on my fourth one of the evening when the other girls started talking about how good they were but you couldn't eat many since they were so rich. Um...WWJD? Isaiah 5:9 - if you are willing & obedient you will eat the good things of the land. Amen.

So I started making my own and they were a big hit! Oreo truffles can be a real pain to make but with only 3 (or 4 if you're not on a diet and want to add sprinkles) ingredients, there was always room for them in my college student budget.

And now there's room for them in my teacher budget. Speaking of which, the end of this video gets a little out of sync. The video is doing a sprint but the audio is running a marathon. Sorry about that. If I knew how to fix it I would be working for an IT company and making lots of dollars and this video would be about truffle caviar.

I will go through the steps like a food blog and you can watch the video at the end if you want additional commentary.

We begin our journey with some oreos. Or as a professional food writer would say, a base layer of solidified heavy whipping cream nestled between two cocoa bean wafers.

Next you crush them up. I buy a family size pack and then use like 5/6s of it. Also. And I cannot stress this enough. Double stuf.

Now we add the second ingredient. The cream cheese. Allow the cream cheese to sit at room temperature for 30 min or so before you try to mix the crushed oreos into it. Fair warning...your arm will be sore after.

When you get it all mixed together, or "incorporated" as Giada would say, it should look like this. Which is kinda gross. My pro tip is to put this concoction in the fridge or freezer for a bit before you start shaping them into balls.

My other pro tip is to use a cookie or ice cream scoop if at all possible because I used to roll these bad boys in my bare hands and that just results in you losing half of the truffle each time due to surface area or some science & math thing.

Now you have a choice to make. Are you gonna be a pourer or a dunker? I remember when I was young and full of hope and would use a fondue skewer to dip each ball into a pot of melted chocolate, making sure to coat it entirely to leave a perfectly spherical mound of perfection. Those days are over now. I have adopted a strategy of lining them up on a cooling rack over a cookie sheet and spooning the melted chocolate on top.

 

This new process is still messy so I recommend keeping pets and small children out of the kitchen. I used Mako's biggest fears - the vacuum cleaner and the trash can - to keep him out of my way for this part. You need to melt some white chocolate/candy coating/almond bark/candle wax whatever you wanna call it. I add vegetable oil to mine to thin it out. Be careful when heating the chocolate because it is almost impossible. Pour or spoon the chocolate onto the oreo balls and decorate as desired.

Ta-da! Okay so these are not my best. The chocolate was not really cooperating. But once people taste them they don't normally have any issues with the appearance.

Here's the video if you are into Food Network style prepped ingredients and what not.
 


*if you're not getting the title reference...click here and thank me later

TikWhat?

I know that a lot of my readers (and fans in general) look to me for all the latest pop culture and social media trends.

You were there for so many of my hot takes on trends through the years:

• tiny sunglasses "why? I say the bigger the better, the less of my face you can see the better I look"
• Instagram "Twiter for the illiterate masses"
• crunchy peanut butter "peanuts exist in both solid (peanut) and liquid (peanut butter) form, just pick one"
• Reddit "the sole source of my will to live"
• paisley "literally why? if you want to look at cells on a microscopic level try biology, not fashion"

But there are some trends in technology that I just don't understand. Today I am going to explain a new viral phenomenon that I really know nothing about. And that's TikTok. Now I am not a TikTok connoisseur. What is the user base called? Clocks? I like Tic Tacs but according to my students that is unrelated.

To get my footing, I had some of my students write words related to TikTok and created a word map.

The thing that stands out to me here is that, based on the size of these words, several of my students felt that the terms "tik" and "tok" really described TikTok. Thanks guys.

Next I interviewed my brother. He's up to date on the electronic trends of the youths. I know this because he is constantly using phrases I don't understand like "pro-gamer move" and "what a bot" and "I have plans with my friends." So I asked him some questions about TikTok. My questions will be bold. And also they are the ones that end in question marks.


How old are you?
>15

Can you prove that?
>Yes

Are you familiar with TikTok?
>Yeah

Can I get more than a 1 word answer?
>No

Explain TikTok to me as if I'm a really stupid person.
>People post videos and stuff & other people see it and like it and follow each other.

How is this different from Instagram or Facebook?
>It's only videos. It's like Vine 2.0.

So did TikTok murder Vine so that it could steal the crown?
>No. There were a few years in between them.

Well there are 11 years between us but you still replaced me as Dad's favorite.
>That's tough.

Do you like TikTok?
>No

Why not?
>It's a lot of stupid dances.

And yet you love Fortnite...care to explain?
>It's different.

Disagree but okay.
>It's different because...

That's all we have time for.
>Are you leaving?

Yeah. Leaving this conversation.

That wasn't too helpful. He should definitely leave the teaching to me. I needed further info. So I interviewed a student that is apparently the queen of TikTok.


What do you make TikToks about?
>The dancing trends.

Who starts these dancing trends? Fred & Ginger?
>Who are Fred & Ginger?

What makes people famous on TikTok?
>Them being really pretty, you can be a bad dancer but if you're cute it's fine.

So I shouldn't make a TikTok?
>Yeah.

Do people make money off TikTok?
>Yeah they do.

How?
>They get sponsorships like influencers or paid by TikTok.

How does TikTok make money? Isn't it free?
>By like...the brand being popular.

Look, if you got paid for popularity...no, never mind, my life would pretty much be the same.
>Honestly how do they get paid? That's a good question.

Does TikTok have a time limit? Like can I make a 10 minute video explaining the differences between crows and ravens because I find that fascinating?
>I think it's like a minute.

How do you know who to follow?
>There's a "for you" page.

How do they know what to put on that page? Do you think they're working with the NSA?
>I think so.

Do I understand TikTok now? Not really. My big takeaway is that my students encouraged me to make TikToks which means it's probably a bad idea. I'll stick to Tic Tacs.