They're Grrross!

Hey all you cool cats and kittens.

It really is a jungle in the world of exotic animal attractions. Like many of you, I too spent 7 hours of my life watching Netflix's Tiger King. From the moment I first tuned in I knew this show would fill the void left in my heart since the cancellation of Welcome to Myrtle Manor. And it truly did. But it left it's own void. Now that I don't have new Tiger King content in my life I feel like I'm missing a limb. Which just makes me resonate with the show even more.

I hadn't planned on blogging about it. But I just had too many thoughts to share and who knows when I will see my therapist next so I'm putting them out there, stream of consciousness style. Please feel free to DM me or comment, I welcome any and all Tiger King discussion.

• Okay this man is like if Beetlejuice was more meth and slightly less death.
• Carole Baskin...of Baskin-Robbins fame?
• Is this a cult? 
• I clearly underestimated the amount of body piercings I would be exposed to in this series.
• I think we should pause and let the people with the missing limbs speak. I really want to hear from them.
• Why...why are we shooting water?
• I find the concept of a private zoo very disturbing to begin with. Is that just me?
• Did Joe Exotic invent cyberbullying?
• Seriously what is the obsession with shooting water? What does that prove?
• Are they about to introduce a new Syfy original, Tigernado?
• Is he Joe Exotic or Jeffrey Dahmer? Apparently he wants to create love zombies out of his 19-year-old boy toys by keeping them high. Is no one concerned about that?
• This guy? Has 3 wives? This man? That one? Right there?
• Okay this is 100% a cult.
• What percentage of John Finlay's tattoos have spelling errors? I would say 60% as a conservative estimate.
• Honestly the single most disturbing thing in this whole series so far is that some middle aged white man refers to himself as Bhagavan.
• I'm so glad I never went to his place in Myrtle Beach. I went to Alligator Adventure like a civilized tourist.
• So obviously a good bit of this series exemplifies what happens when you choose meth over teeth but we're also seeing people choosing tigers over their own limbs. So. That's nice.
• Poor Saff. Obviously Joe doesn't have a great worker's comp situation.
• But he does have an EMS jacket. I'll give him that.
• I'm not gonna lie I like Mario I think he keeps it real.
• Do we think Doc sent those toddler tigers to live on a nice farm upstate?
• Does TIGERS stand for This Idiot Gets Everyone Renamed & Stuck?
• Alright all these men are coming for Carole but I feel pretty certain that they have all killed people.
• The ex-wife and adult children hate the woman Don cheated with? Do they think that proves anything? Because it doesn't. 
• It physically hurts me that Don's first wife thinks that her calling Carole "an angel from hell" is SO clever. Like she is so proud of herself y'all. I can't.
• Okay so this man just disappeared. And everyone is like it's gotta be Carole, who else would kill him? And we know that he walked around with a 500 dollar bill at all times? There's your motive. I got student loans. I'll kill him.
• Though I miss him dearly I am glad that Steve Irwin isn't alive to see this crap.
• Carole is a babe and y'all are just player haters.
• Alright why are we victim blaming Carole? His ex-wife is like she wanted to be the only woman in his life...umm...what wife doesn't? They're literally like "Carole was crazy she didn't want Don to cheat."
• I bet that boy Don is just chillin in Costa Rica. We know South America has no problem hiding Nazis so is it really that much of a stretch of the imagination to think some sketchy American businessman would fake his own disappearance and escape to Central America?
• I just want to say that I would bet money that every animal pimp in this whole show currently owns or has owned a water bed.
• This is like an episode of Law & Order: SVU. I didn't realize animals were also smuggled just to get drugs in. Maybe that's what happened with Canadian geese. They fed them heroin balloons and they all burst during transport and that's why they're all FREAKING INSANE. 
• We know he has the means to just disappear. Did he "Gone Girl" her?! And just do a really bad job?
• "My music is an escape from reality." ...Joe your whole life is an escape from reality.
• This man Kanyed my girl Carole. That's messed up. Catchy. But messed up.
• Okay I can finally put this into words. Howard Baskin looks like if Prince Charles and Ben Stein (the clear eyes guy) had a baby.
• The infant tiger cubs are crying so loudly that you can't sleep? It's almost like you shouldn't rip them from their mothers immediately after they're born. Imagine that.
• So Joe Exotic...literally...went to Walmart...and got a campaign manager?
• Oh bless his heart. The fact that he thought he had a chance shows the level of insanity that we are dealing with here.
• Maybe Joe is just the world's worst case of cat scratch fever? I mean he lives in a litter box. Toxoplasmosis at least?
• So Joe's campaign messages are "less laws, more lions" and "no animal rights"?
• I will give him the award for most F bombs in a campaign.
• "Everyone we got him in front of, he had their vote." ...okay now this is a folie a deux. It's a shared delusion. Y'all are both insane.
• METH MOUTH. Those editors did that man dirty. We all been thinking it since episode 1, y'all ain't have to do him like that.
• "Why does an innocent guy buy a burner phone?" ...trick question. He doesn't.
• "Everyone wants to be the biggest but no one focuses on being the nicest." ...clearly.
• I am really concerned by the high degree of shock in Doc Antle's voice when he talks about how dumb Joe Exotic was in thinking a hitman would cost $3,000. Like was this the first time he thought "Joe's kinda dumb"?
• Oh. My. Word. This man is one thousand percent going to sexually harass the nanny. His wife is 8 months pregnant and all Jeff Lowe can say is that he can't wait for his wife to get to the gym and the nanny to arrive? Carole...you know what to do.
• This action sequence of human silly putty James Garretson riding a jet ski is amazing. That's the content I subscribe to.
• "Nobody wins" ...um, AMERICA wins.
• Well the good news is John Finlay will once again be open for business. 
• Okay John has a tattoo that says "Boy's" and I PROMISE that apostrophe is grammatically incorrect.
• We need a crossover episode with America's Worst Tattoos. He just like photoshopped a bull on top of it. That's not a cover up it's just a new problem.
• I have to say. Dumbest person in this whole series. Joe's campaign manager Joshua Dial. 
• They're already talking about a possible Broadway adaptation so someone needs to get Bob Mackie on the horn.
• Now we just need a series to put Doc Antle and Jeff Lowe in jail.

My hot take is that Doc Antle is the worst person presented. It's like Joe is Voldemort but Doc is Umbridge. The thing about Doc Antle and Joe Exotic and Jeff Lowe is that they're not just preying on animals. They're also preying on people. I don't think Carole killed her husband but I also don't care if she did. He was kind of a jackass.*


*jackass is one of 2 Missy-approved curse words

Stay In Covideo Post

Thank you to my brother for editing these snapchat recordings together for me! Please ignore my face and my singing and the video quality and really everything but the lyrics. I don't own rights to the music and the lyrics have no rights.

Corona Core Math

If you're needing some normalcy or numerical assistance...look no further.

Class is in session.

Shonda No Rhime No Reason

Regarding last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy...

If you are someone who legitimately cares then you should have seen the episode by now so miss me with that no spoilers nonsense - I don't play that. It is 2020. You know the internet exists. If there is a major episode or movie playing you have like 1 week max to call no spoilers. 

...I think we can all agree that it was probably the worst of all time including the musical episode.

Fans all seem to agree that season 16, episode 16 (one more 6 would have been perfect foreshadowing) was not how Alex Karev's time in Seattle should have ended. And fans don't write the shows, it's true. In this case it was someone named Elisabeth Finch who wrote this episode and did for Karev's redemption arc the exact opposite of what Greta Gerwig did for the character development of Amy March.

A quick recap...we haven't seen Alex in a hot minute since he arranged for a troop of character witnesses to defend Meredith and save her medical license after she committed insurance fraud. Just another day at Grey Sloan. He appears to have ghosted Jo and Link keeps assuring her that everything is fine but he's named after a video game character so what does he know. In this episode, Karev writes everyone letters that explain where he is been and why he isn't coming back.

Since it was announced that Justin Chambers was leaving back in January fans have speculated that he would be killed because Shonda Rhimes is kind of like Old Testament God in her willingness to smite. When we realized that Alex did not die, but was instead living it up on a farm in Kansas with ex-wife Izzie, death suddenly seemed like the better plot choice.

Longtime viewers were either up in arms claiming that Karev would never or angry about an alleged character assassination. But here's the thing...I've been telling everyone for years that Karev is still a horrible person And lookie there. I was right.

I don't agree with this ending for him - I will reveal my far superior ideas later - but I do think this is on brand for the type of person Alex Karev is. Sure. He has his redeeming qualities. Hitler probably sent his mom flowers on her birthday - doesn't make him a paragon of morality. This man (Alex not Adolf) has been doing HORRIBLE things to everyone for literal years.

• he treated Lexie like crap
• he tortured Izzie for being a lingerie model & shared her photos around the hospital
• he dangerously left a bullet in him to pick up girls
• he had an unethical relationship with a married patient
• he spread syphilis
• he didn't respect bro code when Meredith asked him to not with Lexie
• he cheated on Izzie
• he severely bullied George because of his own insecurities
• he has severe anger management issues
• he screwed Meredith over & got her fired so he could be chief resident
• he almost killed Andrew DeLuca for seemingly doing something Alex himself has done countless times

To name a few. But completely abandoning Jo to be with the woman who abandoned him and didn't tell him he had kids for like 5 years? Completely unforgivable. Don't get me wrong I think Alex is capable of it because I think he's a sociopath. But it's not the most realistic of endings.

My roommate actually theorized what I think would have been a much more suiting way for Alex to exit the show. As Meredith was reading her letter and I was looking back and forth between Emily and the screen in disbelief, Emily said, "I bet he's in prison." and in my heart that felt right.

Her main argument was that no one actually writes letters. Except inmates. And she's got a point. These were handwritten letters on what appears to be legal pad paper to my expert eyes. Then he told Meredith to come visit him and Emily thought that nullified her theory. But I pointed out there was no return address on Meredith's letter. Every other letter showed an actual return address but on Mere's he just wrote Evil Spawn in the top left corner. So she doesn't have any way to actually track him down.

And Alex going to prison doesn't require a great stretch of the imagination. He's no stranger to an orange jumpsuit. Presumably, he could have been himself and gotten arrested (again) and be writing to everyone from prison pretending things are great. I do think if he found himself in prison he wouldn't want anyone to worry about him or try to help him because as truly horrible as he is, he is at least cognizant of his ethical shortcomings. The producers could keep 99% of the episode material. Just do a quick shot at the end of Alex behind bars writing another letter.

So there you go. That's how Karev's exit should have gone. Years from now when we're all grandmas threatening to "push 10 of epi stat" when our grandkids cry over something dumb like their iPhone 32s refusing to teleport to them...you might be ready to rewatch Grey's Anatomy from start to finish. And when you reach season 16, episode 16, feel free to read this post instead of watching that whole situation. You're welcome.

We Love Zionism Wednesday

Yesterday was Super Tuesday and today is We Love Zionism Wednesday. Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

I decided to create a little voter's guide that will outline the candidate's stances on Israel. Here's the disclaimer about how I know a lot of you don't care about Israel, couldn't locate it on a map, couldn't care less. Yeah this is obviously not for you. But if you do care...this ones for you! Toda raba!

Please keep in mind that most of these candidates will have ended their campaigns by the time I post this. In no particular order aside from alphabetical order of their government names...


Amy Jean Klobuchar

• Overall very supportive of Israel.
• Claims that she wants to continue U.S. support of Israel.
• Advocates for Israel being a bipartisan issue.
• Voted for the anti-BDS bill last summer.
• She's a member of the United Church of Christ which is like the polar opposite of the regular Church of Christ. Trust me it is important to know the difference.

Andrew M. Yang

• And the M is for money. Actually not sure what the M stands for. If Wikipedia doesn't know then it is simply not meant to be known.
• Said at one point that Palestinian refugees should have right to return but then backtracked.
• Open to moving the embassy from Jerusalem. 
• Would restore aid to Palestinians.
• Said to a crowd once that he didn't know enough about aid to speak on aid to Israel which honestly I respect. You don't know what you don't know.
• Now I will say, I find Bowen Yang on SNL to be delightful. So that's one potential plus of a Yang win.

Bernard Sanders

• Wants the U.S. to be pro-Israel and pro-Palestinian. Also probably roots for UNC AND Duke. 
• Would gladly move the U.S. embassy from Jerusalem. 
• Thinks it is wrong for the U.S. to supply Israel with arms. 
• Called AIPAC bigoted.
• Does not favor Israelis over the Palestinians. And is proud of that.
• Thinks diplomacy can keep Israel safe from Iran. No sanctions or military actions needed.
• No middle name? What is he hiding?

Elizabeth Ann Warren

• Supports a two state solution with the Palestinians occupying the West Bank and Gaza Strip.
• Favors restoring aid to Palestinians and having a Palestinian delegate in Washington.
• Wants to put conditions on U.S. aid to Israel.
• She used to be more pro-Israel but is lessening her support over time.
• I think that sometimes you have to make a voting decision based on what will get more screen time for Kate McKinnon. 

Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.

• Opposes BDS. 
• Supports the legitimacy of Israel. 
• Does not want to move the embassy. 
• Wants to continue U.S. aid to Israel. 
• Opposes Israeli settlements in the West Bank. 
• Is tired of everyone giving the Palestinian Authority a pass.
• We stan?

Michael Rubens Bloomberg

• He called BDS pernicious - a word he obviously got from Camille Grammer on the 2nd season of RHOBH. 
• Supports AIPAC, defended it against Sanders. 
• Says he would never impose conditions on military aid. 
• Claims he will stand up for Israel in the UN. 
• Wants to leave the embassy in Jerusalem.
• Favors a two state solution with Israel retaining most of the land it owns now.
• Finally an approach to Israel I can get on board with.
• BUT...if this man wins and takes away my dollar large Dr. Peppers at McDonald's I will never forgive y'all. 

Peter Paul & Mary Buttigieg

• Called Israel's human rights record problematic.
• Okay it's actually Peter Paul Montgomery Buttigieg but come on. I can't NOT make that joke.
• Open to conditioning U.S. aid to Israel, but later backtracked.
• Is actually Brad Stevens.
• Does not support Israel annexing more West Bank territory.

and...

Donald John Trump

• His support of Israel is UGE.
• Recognizes Jerusalem as Israel's capital and sovereignty over the Golan Heights. 
• Moved the U.S. embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.
• Ended Iran nuclear deal (if you don't get how this relates to Israel, call me).
• Generally sides with Netanyahu. 
• Came up with the deal of the century.

BIBLE TL; DR Ruth & Naomi

A long, long time ago in Bethlehem there was a famine. Not like when Subway is out of chocolate chip cookies (as they frequently are) but like there was legit no food. A woman named Naomi (and a lot of less important people) lived in Bethlehem at the time and they were straight up not having a good time. Naomi's husband Eminem moved their family to Moab but then he died. So that's tough. Naomi was left to live alone in Moab with her 2 sons. If her husband wasn't already dead she would probably kill him for leaving her alone with 2 boys. But at least she had a husband at one point, am I right? Her sons married Moabites but then they died too. What is going on here? This Moab is worse than Chicago.

So it was just Naomi and her daughters in law, Ruth and Orpah. Naomi told them “I am going to my hometown, I don’t care where y’all go but you can’t stay here” because she was not trying to like start a book club and kee-kee it up with them. Orpah went home to her family but Ruth could not take a hint. She told Naomi that she would go anywhere Naomi went. Stage 5 clinger.

So Ruth and Naomi travel back to Bethlehem. It was kind of like when you go home while you're in college and you bring your new roommate along. They begin to work in the fields picking up after harvesters, which is about as fun as it sounds. One of the field owners noticed what a hard worker Ruth was. She worked hard to get that bread while taking care of Naomi even though she didn’t have to. This field owner was named Boaz and he was related to Eminem. He helped to provide for her and sneakily told his workers to drop extra barley for her because chivalry was still alive back then. He also gave her free drinks for life from his water jars. Boy was whipped!

Boaz told Ruth she could keep gathering that grain in his fields all season and Naomi was so grateful. Naomi grew up in those fields and she knew Ruth didn't have the field smarts to hack it. While Ruth was working I guess Naomi was at home watching soaps and she cooked up a plan. Naomi was like Ruth you be Reba being Fancy and I'll be unnamed woman playing Fancy's mom. So she sent Ruth to sleep at Boaz's feet. This is where I would have headed out but I'm not married so what would I know?

Boaz woke up in the middle of the night and was so thankful it was just Ruth and not slender man that he proposed! Ruth and Boaz married but they still were friends with Naomi so it was like Three’s Company. Naomi was Chrissy.

End the Back Dog

A lot of millennials rent because we can't afford to buy a house thanks to student loans - more specifically student loan INTEREST. A lot of millennials also own pets because when you're drowning in debt what better investment than a creature who eats money and poops work?

I am not a dog person.

I'll give you some time to process that.

I get that this is considered weird by many. I don't dislike animals. I'm just not a pet person in general. In my free time I don't want to attend dog fights but I also don't want to hit up the pet store for more pee pads.

I anticipate that someday in the future my kids will want a pet and I will be more than happy to get them a nice rescue mutt for the backyard. Or maybe they will want a fish or a hamster and we can make room for them in the garage. Or maybe I'll never even have kids because no one wants to marry me and all this speculation is for naught.

I'm glad I have zero interest in owning a dog until I marry rich because they're expensive! According to a brief Google search I conducted, dogs tend to cost around $15,000 throughout their lives. Do you know how many McChickens that is? And at some apartment complexes, that figure keeps rising.

A growing trend among residential management systems is requiring DNA testing for every dog, often at the expense of the owner. What is that DNA used for? Are they trying to connect the puppers to long lost relatives? Attempting to break open a cold case with familial DNA? Nope.

Apartment complexes taking a broken windows approach to deserted dog doo will hire any of a number of companies breaking into the doggie DNA industry to chart all animals and then test neglected feces. Upon signing a lease, residents will have to submit a sample. A saliva sample, not a poop sample so please be careful where you put that swab. The resident will pay a fee ($40ish), the sample is tested and their dog is added to the World Pet Registry. And let me tell you Labradors for Libertarians are pissed!

Once your pooch is registered, not only can they never commit a crime with anonymity again, but if they poop and you don't scoop, the property manager can collect a sample, send it in for testing, determine who did the doo, and fine you.

You know what takes about as much time as bending down to get a stool sample from a pile of dog poop? Picking up the pile of dog poop.

But I still wanted to know more. Was this all just an urban legend? Is there a black...or dare I say, brown...market of DNA samples so your beagle never gets busted? There was really only one way to find out. I went undercover! Never Been Kissed style. But without actually going anywhere. I posed as a prospective renter online and contacted some apartment complexes in my area to inquire about their puppy poop policies.

And it was all true. Not at every single location. My apartment complex has no such policy. But take a look at the response I got from another property less than a mile away.

No word on the amount of the fine for not scooping what your dog is pooping but I can't imagine it's under $100. Testing dog poop samples is now a million dollar industry. My apartment complex can't be bothered to get me a post-war oven but the one down the block is enlisting scientists to track down inconsiderate pet owners?

I've had it with this shit. Literally.

Do we live in a society that values punishing people who don’t like cleaning up after their dogs more than punishing men who rape?* Now I will admit, this is not a 1-to-1 transaction as testing rape kits is about 10x as expensive as testing doggie DNA but honestly what is more important  - using your greyhound's genetics to track down a poopetrator or locking up rapists? This is NOT a rhetorical question and there IS a wrong answer.

The thing is it's just not profitable to put rapists in jail. Who does that help? Women, mainly. Survivors of rape are treated as a negligible niche market because there's no money in it. There are many contributing factors to the large number of rape kits that go untested every year. Our system for testing rape kits lacks clear protocols, training programs and lab funding. There's no law. And there's no order.


But squeezing an extra $40 fee here and $100 fine there from people who are likely to be living paycheck to paycheck? Now that's just good business, right?

You can learn more or donate to End the Backlog, a program dedicated to bringing about the policy changes needed to permanently solve this problem, founded by Detective Olivia Benson herself, here.


*For the record I acknowledge that not all rapists are men. And not all rape victims are women. But if you read this blogpost and your first thought was "hey! what about men?" then statically speaking - shut up.