Wednesday, June 18, 2014

How Do I Have Friends?

This week's post is about tackling a question that has haunted me for years, How do I have friends?

Things that make me wonder how I have friends:
  • The image I see when I wake up and look in the mirror.
  • I cry in public. A lot.
  • I often go to Walmart without a bra on and my reasoning is Walmart is only 3 minutes away from me and it's just not worth it to put on a bra for a 20 minute trip.
  • I really can't go anywhere without a book and a water bottle.
  • I frequently get a full order of 6 pretzels at Mellow Mushroom instead of the much more reasonable half order, knowing good and well that I can eat, at most, 3 in the restaurant. 
  • I NEVER have my phone off silent, so if you call me, chances are I won't answer.
  • I devote entirely too much time to reading People magazine and checking People.com.
  • When I watch sporting events, I can be relentlessly rooting for the same team the whole game, but when they win I will feel bad for the other team. Unless that other team is not America. Then I have no sympathy.
  • I can see a movie three times, start to finish, and still not understand it. I just suck.
  • At least fifty percent of my dialogue on any given day is just me quoting YouTube videos that only I have seen.
  • When we have company but I'm about to fall asleep I always suggest that everyone move to my room and keep talking or watching TV as I fall asleep. And I am dead serious.

Possible Answers:
  • I'm a decent cook.
  • I often can't finish my food so people flock to me in hopes of a free meal.
  • I don't drink so I can always be the designated driver.
  • I'm really good at watching bad TV.
  • You never have to worry about me ditching you because I don't have any other options.
  • I'm good at math so I can figure out sale prices and how much you should tip to make your payment an even dollar amount.

That's literally it. Those are all my selling points. So.

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