Guys are constantly complaining about being in the friend zone, which is basically the equivalent of me complaining that I look too thin. It's simply not an issue. Today's post is a list of all the zones y'all are actually in when you think you're in the friend zone. There are so many misdiagnoses out there, so I'm here to set everyone straight. Speaking of which:
The "I Think You're Gay Zone"
If we have been friends for more than a month, we're both single, and you have yet to make a move, I am going to assume that you are gay. I do not apologize. This is a very effective coping mechanism. To the rest of the world I'm a little sad and pitiful, but in my mind, I just so happen to frequently fall for gay men. Whoops.
The "You Used to Date My Best Friend Zone"
Honestly, y'all have to have seen a chick flick at some point. You really must know about girl code. If you used to date one of my best friends, or if one of my best friends likes you, I'm gonna need you to get my subtle yet sassy hints that nothing is ever going to happen between us. Now don't get me wrong, if you dated her for one lunch period in middle school you're fair game, but every girl has her own line she draws in this department. In my case, if someone who I am friends with on snapchat and/or who frequently likes my Instagram posts has ever cried over you or written slam poetry about you, we won't happen. Sorry not sorry.
The "I Really Like Your Best Friend Zone"
In the event that I am pathetically in love with one of your good friends, nothing is going to happen between us. I have an awfully annoying and yet endearing habit of calling dibs on almost every guy I see. It's just a good idea to back up your back ups, am I right? I assume that bro code is similar to girl code in the "hooking up with exes of friends' department (also known by the super fun acronym HUWEF). So unless you come into a large sum of money or get a puppy, I'm just not willing to burn that bridge.
The "Unattainable Zone"
This zone correlates to the point in an argument when the girl stops yelling, talking, texting back, et cetera. You should be very afraid when we get to the point where we just don't care anymore. There are several guys that I'm friends with who I know would never be interested in me for a plethora of reasons. I'm nuts, I'm not their type, I'm really weird, I accidentally threw up on them in kindergarten (it was one time!), and many more! So if I'm friends with you and I view you as completely out of my league (hint hint, Michael Cera, if we ever become friends) I'm gonna completely let myself go. I'm talking no make up, no bra, no pants, hairs all askew. To be fair, I look like this most of the time, but if I think you're out of my league then I will spare myself the self-loathing and condescension I normally apply liberally for letting you see me this way.
The "I Think I'm in the Friend Zone Zone"
Guys. Listen. You put yourselves in the friend zone by thinking you're in the friend zone. Let that sink in. Sometimes you have to put on your big boy pants and take a risk! Ask her out dude! Do you think we're gonna make the first move? We're delicate girls. We can't handle the possibility of rejection. We need the big strong men to fight their way out of this imaginary friend zone of their own making.
And last but not least infuriating ...
The "Jerk Zone"
99% of the time guys who think they are in the friend zone are actually in the jerk zone. I mean maybe y'all are just telling yourselves that you're in the friend zone to avoid facing the fact that you're just not a good guy? Kind of like how I tell myself that no one pays attention to serving sizes every time I "accidentally" eat a whole bag of Baked Lays in one sitting (I had to use " " because my therapist says when it's a planned, daily occurrence, it's no longer an accident.) So, if you're a male, please listen, and listen good. Next time you claim to be friend zoned by a girl whose texts you don't return, a girl you have stood up and ditched, a girl you have made feel inferior...don't sweat it. We're probably just telling ourselves that you're gay :)
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