Today's post is about a topic that I believe we all spend more time contemplating than we'd like to admit...how am I still single? And I don't mean that in the literal sense of why will no one date me because believe me, I understand that 100%. I mean why have I not yet devised a strategy for tricking someone into dating me? The way I see it, if I am going to make my July 4, 2015 wedding happen (and I have a few dozen non-returnable USA-themed decorations that say it's gonna happen) then trickery and deception will be key.
I realized that I would need a solid plan in place in order to find a groom a few months ago while I was watching How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days. I was somewhere in the middle of calculating how much money I could make writing and starring in a sequel, How To Lose A Guy in 24 Hours or Less, when I became angry that How To FIND A Guy in 10 Days did not exist. It's crunch time and I'm feeling the pressure. I haven't managed to find a guy in 21 years, so what makes me think I can find a husband in less than 365 days? My initial thought was to draw up an application, but somewhere between question 37 (favorite Law and Order: SVU ADA) and question 82 (Do you like Katherine Heigl, no or heck no?) I realized that in order for my application process to work, the male population had to have an interest in spending time with me.
So I did what any other certifiably insane young adult with a special penchant for self-deprecating humor would do. I googled "How to get a date". After a few, I'll just say interesting, articles, I came across some of the same ridiculous suggestions that my mother has been giving me for years (don't call everyone dude, stop wearing your brother's clothes, make eye contact, and nonsense like that). Needless to say, I quickly realized I would have to do this alone.
I conjured up a few really good ways to meet men. My personal favorite was drive around in a nice neighborhood and wait until you get behind an attractive male in a nice car. Then ever so slightly rear-end him at a stoplight. You will have to exchange phone numbers and he will have to agree to seeing you again in the future, the 2 steps that have always eluded me in the past. My friends somehow managed to talk me out of this method before I could finish planning it out.
Without misdemeanor traffic violations to fall back on, I rounded up some of my favorite pick up lines, at least 50% of which were Harry Potter themed. I had grown really attached to Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next boyfriend. and I lost my phone number, can I have yours? when a good friend pointed out that in order for these lines to have a chance to work, I would have to say them. To boys. Out loud. Where they can hear me.
Actual human to human interaction never was my strong suit, so it's back to the plotting board. I try to stay strong and tell myself that if Vladimir Putin and Tom Cruise could both convince someone to marry them, I can't be too far behind. But in the meantime, if you or a loved one has recently been dumped, give me a call. It is my sincerest hope that someday soon, young singles will find inspiration in my success story, telling themselves, if that nutcase found love, so can I.
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