50 Shades of Fall

White girls love fall.

It's, like, the rules of feminism. It's an understood principle that governs our world and is universally accepted. It's like knowing that a white guy with dreadlocks will have strong opinions on which brand of longboard is best. Like knowing that all craft beer brewers wear flannel pajamas.

Being a white girl who does not love fall, I'm a political prisoner. If the white girl authorities (Taylor Swift, Lauren Conrad and Ariana Grande) found out about this they would revoke my government-issued white girl card and I would no longer be able to create the perfect messy bun or get over 50 likes on a selfie.

While I'm not obsessed with fall, in the words of Jean-Luc, I don't hate it. In fact, I would argue that fall is an important part of being an American. They don't have seasons in Canada, it's just all white. There is only 1 shade of fall in Canada. White. Not eggshell and ivory and off-white and cream. Just white.

Being a patriot and a pioneer in the little-known and terribly underfunded field of white girl studies, I took it upon myself to compile a list of the 50 shades of fall. I quickly changed this to the odd-numbered 25 shades of fall when I remembered that white girls can't even. Picture the first numbers on this list as the first shades of fall, a vibrant summer-y yellow that follows a gradient into harvest orange, the official color of fall and infinity scarves everywhere. Without further ado, I present 50 shades of fall, the 25 signs that winter is (eventually) coming.


1. The first time that you step outside and don't immediately cremate.
2. A white girl posts a picture on Instagram of an aptly named "fall outfit".
3. The caption of that Instagram post is nothing but leaf emojis.
4. You start brainstorming Halloween costumes.
5. You buy candles with names like baked apples and toasted marshmallow.
6. Fall-themed monograms. They're a thing.
7. You pay way too much for your Halloween costume.
8. Your Pinterest is nothing but pumpkin recipes. (Pumpkin meatloaf. Pumpkin quesadillas. Pumpkin buffalo wings.)
9. Someone you know has a bonfire.
10. You spend more than 2 minutes outside and don't end up covered in bug bites.
11. Leaves change colors.
12. 3 words. Carmel apple pops.
13. You start seeing riding boots where chacos used to be.
14. You forget about all those sad Sundays spent waiting for football season.
15. Pumpkin spice lattes come back.
16. You buy a pumpkin to use as a decoration (actually baking pumpkin pie is your aunt's job).
17. You attend a bonfire and make smores.
18. Hocus Pocus comes on for the 10th Sunday afternoon in a row.
19. You watch Hocus Pocus for the 10th Sunday afternoon in a row.
20. Someone invites you on a weekend mountain trip.
21. You spot a white girl walking a dog that's wearing a vest or coat or scarf.
22. You take a jacket everywhere without even thinking about it.
23. Leaves fall. Get it? Cause fall.
24. You eat approximately 17 kinds of fried food at the State Fair.
25. Everywhere you look you see at least 10 white girls wearing yoga leggings, Uggs, a Victoria's Secret hoodie, and an infinity scarf holding a pumpkin spice latte and the latest iPhone and 1 white guy who is still wearing shorts and a t shirt.