#BrittanyGoesWest

Last Friday I attended a bachelorette party...

Most of the evening was fairly tame. I only recently experienced bachelorette parties firsthand so my expectations were mainly based on what I had gathered from movies. When I arrived at the hotel room and saw that there were no strippers or cocaine I was a little confused as to what we would spend all evening doing.

This party consisted of 7 women, all white girls at heart, so there were multiple phone calls back and forth about what everyone was wearing and then still a ridiculous amount of wardrobe changes before we got everyone out the door. The bridesmaids all wore black sashes that I keep trying to incorporate into my every day attire but to no a-veil (see what I did there?) as well as huge pink rings. The rings closely resemble ring pops in shape and color, but not taste. And the bride-to-be wore a colorful tutu and veil with her sash and crown. Brittany looked kind of like Betsey Johnson threw up on her. Meanwhile, my cousin Kelsey sported an olive Michael Kors jumpsuit that resembles what Paula Abdul will likely be buried in.

We take this hot mess express to a wings restaurant in 2 separate cars to throw the paparazzi off our trail. We proceed to cause a scene, being a bridal party and what not. We have the waiters take our pictures, we drink out of...straws...I make Tiffany take selfies with me, and then bingo starts. Apparently they have changed bingo since I was a kid because this was more like 80s music power hour, which was AWESOME. Kelsey did the running man and basically just looked like Kristen Wiig dancing in her seat all night. They played Come On Eileen. I think that sentence alone sums up how fantastic dinner was. Anytime I hear that song, I am the scene in Perks of Being A Wallflower where Emma Watson says "they're actually playing good music!" And no, I don't mean I'm Emma Watson, I mean I am the entire scene. Emma. Ezra Miller. The punch bowl. The gym floor. All of it.

So then the hot mess express heads to the comedy club. This portion of the evening was relatively uneventful in that I was slightly less obnoxious because there were people being paid to do comedy right in front of us so I checked myself before I wrecked everything. The rest of the evening I considered it my personal responsibility to provide the entertainment. And provide it I did.

The ride home from the comedy club, which seems innocent enough, is where things really got interesting. First, we leave the comedy show to find that someone has stolen the bride-to-be flag from Brittany's car. Not the flag holder that attaches to the window, just the fabric triangle. Stay classy Raleigh. Somehow, I ended up driving all of my cousins home and the rest of the girls went with my aunt and the only other real adult.

Our task is simple enough, follow my aunt to Target. What you're not understanding is that my aunt learned to drive from my grandfather, who learned to drive from Tony Stewart I think. (Too soon?) So my job was to drive at least 10 over the speed limit and Kelsey's job was to keep my aunt's car in sight. That's right. SHE HAD ONE JOB. Needless to say we lose them, and look up directions to Target. When we get there we see that Super Target is super-closed so we look for a gas station. I know what you're thinking, how hard is it to come across a gas station in Raleigh, North Carolina? Don't do that. Don't judge. I eventually call a Sheetz to make sure they're open and tell the girl on the phone that I will see her in a few minutes.

On the way to Sheetz my aunt calls and asks if we're lost. Tiffany answers the phone.
"Oh hey, no we're not lost. It's crazy we just keep hitting every red light and also we're lost. But I have to go bye."
But eventually it all worked out and we all lived so that either makes the party a success or a failure, depends on who's judging.

I would like to add that at the point that my aunt called, wed been lost for quite some time. I almost wrecked more often than I threatened to stop the car if Tiffany didn't put her taser away (which was a lot) because I couldn't see out the back window due to Brittany's tutu and other bachelorette decorations.

So thanks for decorating the scene of our imminent deaths. Even in death, this family revolves around Brittany.