Like all great plagiarists, I often imitate or adapt or completely rip off the style of some of my favorite writers. I would label my writing style as Carrie Bradshaw meets Chelsea Handler, and they don't really click so then Chelsea Handler goes off and has a catty conversation about it with David Sedaris. This week's post is the byproduct of those chance celeb encounters, and by that I mean it's basically me ranting about how my senior year of college has gone so far. As a testament to the student mindset that I'm by some miracle in possession of, I'm going to outline the 3 main themes of this post to make it easier to study later. 1-Don't trust these profs. 2-Study, study, study let's all win trivia. And 3-How to not sit in my seat in one easy step.
1. Don't trust these profs.
I'm not sure what leader in the education world decided it was a good idea to have students teach other students, but I hope he got fired before he got tenured. In elementary, middle and high school I appreciated this strategy because teaching something helps you learn the material a lot better, and presenting to the class was generally a project or group assignment. But now that I'm in college it just feels like doing my professors' jobs for them.
I don't mind leading a discussion or giving literary analysis in front of the class every now and then, but preparing a presentation and lecturing on the text book? It's difficult to look my religion professor in the face after that one. He's gotta be making well over 100 grand a year and wants me to do his job for him? My mother is a fifth grade teacher, so she gets paid a lot less for actually teaching her class herself instead of farming it out to the students. And she is spending her hard-earned salary to send me to college so I can teach myself and the whole class about characteristics of Vishnu portrayed in the Ramayana and the Mahabharata instead of learning from a professional? I barely even know how to spell Mahabharata! Yeesh.
2. Study, study, study let's all win trivia.
So far this school year I have devoted more time to studying for bar trivia nights than actual classes and tests.
And I regret nothing.
Allow me to explain. The bar we attend Trivia Tuesday at always has a round called "This Day in History" so it's not a gamble to study. It's a sure thing. I could spend hours studying Persian literature and then be quizzed on Arabian architecture instead. But I know good and well, every Tuesday when I go to Goodfellows for trivia, there are going to be at least 5 questions on other events that have happened on that day.
If I do say so myself, I'm a pretty solid trivia team member. This is mainly due to the fact that the winners get bar credit and I don't drink, so there is one less person to share in the spoils of victory. Also, I know things sometimes.
3. How to not sit in my seat in one easy step.
Spoiler alert! The one step is DON'T SIT IN MY SEAT.
Sitting in my seat is quite literally the fastest way to make me hate you. If it's the second day of class and we're in a classroom where I haven't already formed a committed relationship with a specific seat, I can overlook it. But once we're past the third week of classes, I really need you to not.
Almost every classroom has them. The nomads. They wander to a different seat every day, not caring at all about the lives they're uprooting. They have no respect for the well-established principle that 847 out of 848 students have a seat they always sit in.
I almost understand it. College. No assigned seats. No rules. Don't let it go to your heads people! Please, for the love of my education, if nothing else. When you sit in my seat and you have no seat of your own, I have to sit in someone's seat. You force me to become the person I hate the most! And the cycle just repeats itself until you have single-handedly ruined everyone's life.
My question to those of you who sit in other people's seats all willy-nilly is why do you enjoy ruining lives? Did your parents not give you your own seat at the dinner table when you were younger? Are you bitter that after being the baby for years, your younger brother was given the seat next to mommy and you had to sit in the corner? I would recommend you see a therapist immediately to work those issues out with professional help instead of taking your anger out on innocent students such as myself. A little couch time goes a long way. My therapist, who declined to comment for this post, is my best friend, no matter how many times she politely requests that I not call her that.
So fellow college students, I know you're all busy procrastinating right now, but please take some time to read this. Especially number three. You know who you are. Don't let it happen again.
*I have often stated that Wikipedia is the official sponsor of my collegiate career and while that is still very true, Buzzfeed makes for a more appropriate sponsor for my senior year. This is mainly because a lot of my classes have attendance components even though I'm actually 21 years old and I would assume capable of making my own decisions. I would also like to add that in my defense, I never really skip class I just sometimes have to strategically miss class, which is completely different. In any event, my attendance in mandatory classes would absolutely not be possible without Buzzfeed. So thank you Buzzfeed, I couldn't do it without you.
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