The Selfie Olympics

As many of you know, I have long been a supporter (actually the only supporter, I think I'm the founder) of the movement to end selfie shaming, a very serious social issue affecting teens and young adults and the Kardashians these days. As part of my campaign to end selfie shaming, I am dedicating this blog post to my favorite genres of selfies.

I'm sure some of you are reading this and thinking genres? aren't there just selfies and normal pictures? Um, no. Selfies aren't that black and white (well, sometimes they are but that's really more of an editing choice). Selfies, like almost everything you will learn about at a liberal arts college, exist on a spectrum. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I believe in empowering everyone to post selfies regardless of what size yoga pants you wear, what side you part your hair on, how cute your monogram is, and all the other shallow aspects that girls these days are judged on. While I fully support selfies, you gotta draw lines somewhere. More specifically, I have to draw lines somewhere, as the unofficial and in no way legitimate selfie commissioner that I have just appointed myself.

So basically people, help me help you. I'm not gonna endorse a 30 year old guy posting a selfie every other day but if you're a middle school girl who participates in Selfie Sunday every week, I'll let it go. Please consider these rankings next time you're on Instagram. Just consider this your selfie dictionary. Tell your friends. And please, someone tell my brother.

10. Artfie
Artfies are selfies that are trying to be artsy. There is often some obscure filter or collage app used to make a standard selfie look like a work of art, I don't really know, artfies aren't my scene. But I do know that THE WORST artfies are pictures posted sideways. It's not hipster, it's not edgy, it's not cute, it's not art, it's annoying. If you like a picture enough to post it, try posting it in a format that everyone can actually view? Just a thought.

9. Fitfie
Taken at the gym to show progress or muscle definition or abs (whatever those are?). Fitfies are increasingly being taken by women and it is important to note that female fitfies generally show the entire body while male fitfies have a concerning obsession with the upper body only, leading me to believe that many a guy skips leg day. The best fitfies are few and far between and don't use phrases like "stop making excuses" or anything else that puts others down for not posting a selfie every time they go to the gym.

8. Momfie 
We love taking selfies with our mamas! Momfies are important to take every chance you get, especially if your mama is as cute as mine (which I seriously doubt). Us girls take selfies with our daddies a lot too but moms are just better at taking selfies than dads. The best momfies are posted on days that aren't Mother's Day because you should love your mom during the other 364 days of the year too.

7. Hairfie
Hairfies are selfies debuting a new hairstyle/hair cut. Hairfies are often before/after pic stitches. Hairfies are fun if you wear make up to get your hair cut, or if you can actually afford to get hair cuts. Honestly, the best hairfies are celebrity hairfies but wedding and prom hairfies are a subtle way to mix up your selfie portfolio.

6. Sweetfie
This is generally more of an usie and includes you and your significant other, friend, parent, sibling, pet, pizza etc... basically anything that you care a lot about. Sweetfies are almost always accompanied by song lyrics or a quote or even worse, a paragraph. The best sweetfies are taken with babies and have rap lyrics as the caption. The worst sweetfies are boyfriend/girlfriend pics for no reason. And no, a one week anniversary is not a legitimate reason to post a picture.

5. Swagfie
A guy favorite, swagfies feature poses that the subject considers to be cool with a gangsta or funny caption. Swagfies are great when you need a picture with someone but you feel really ugly and just decide to go with that hideousness. Swagfies are good for group selfies. The best swagfies have captions that match the mood of the image and involve a photo bomb, woodland creature, or some other random element.

4. Femfie 
When you're lowkey tryna be cute/sexy but you pretend it's just a typical selfie. Femfies often use emoji captions (salsa girl, kissy lips, lipstick, one of the random shapes no one ever uses) because no one wants to post a picture and say "I think I'm super hot today" but when ya got it ya got it (or so I hear...). Femfies almost always feature a duck face or a vacant stare.

3. Stylfie
Similar to an OOTD (outfit of the day) post, taken to show off your hairdo, make up, clothing, accessories, or all of the above. Stylfies do not have to include your face and are often mirror pics. Stylfies work really well in collage format. Stylfies are generally captioned with only emojis, because really what is there to say about my VS hoodie, yoga pants and Uggs that hasn't already been said on this blog a thousand times? The best stylfies are mirror pics that you can't tell are mirror pics.

2. Funfie 
A funfie is any selfie or usie that you caption cleverly enough to make someone LOL. Funfies are my personal favorite way of sneaking a selfie. Sometimes, you post a funfie just because you come up with a really clever caption and decide that you need to share your cleverness with the world. And I'm here to tell you that's not wrong.

And finally, my favorite selfie.

1. Hapfie
Hapfies are any selfies or usies captioned with phrases like "such a beautiful day" "loving my eyes today" "so glad I got to see _____". Hapfies exist purely to show the world how happy you are, which I think is a beautiful thing because sometimes we take happiness for granted. The best hapfies come from a place of genuine contentment and we should all capture more of those moments.

Peace and blessins.