I had a root canal yesterday. My 2nd root canal. Most people don't even get to experience 1 root canal and I have been lucky enough to have 2 in less than 2 years. I know, not everyone can be as #Blessed as myself.
My 1st root canal was one of the worst medical traumas of my life, second only to the full body mono rash in the summer of 2012 that extended to my palms and the soles of my feet. Children literally ran from me in fear. Root canals are needed for 2 main reasons, infection or cracks in the tooth (WebMD). But, short of severe tooth trauma, the cause is almost always infection. In my case, once they got all up in there, they realized that my tooth was actually just cracked. I still needed a root canal to fix the crack, but my non-infected tooth ended up getting infected in the procedure. Which really meant one thing. Pain.
It was Martin Luther King Jr. Day, the year was 2013. I returned to school following oral surgery and my pain medicine starting wearing off. Now at first, I thought that it had all subsided at the same time, but as the night and the all-consuming pain progressed, I realized that it was a gradual disappearing act. Long story short, after a night of almost unbearable pain and no sleep, I awoke looking like a battered woman straight out of a Lifetime movie. At first I didn't look too odd, the only thing weird about my face, well weirder than normal, was my right cheek which was so swollen that it looked like I was trying to smuggle a tennis ball. But the swelling crept up to my eye. Then I looked truly scary, imagine if you were allergic to bees and got stung right under your eye. Yeah it was bad. The left half of my face looked completely...tolerable. I could have easily played the deformed hidden child in some horror movie about a "typical American family" that is secretly full of killers. I of course contacted my dentist and asked if this was normal and what I could do because in addition to the elephantitis of the face the pain was getting worse. My dentist's office didn't quite understand the severity of the situation over the phone so I was instructed to keep taking advil because I shouldn't be in pain. So I emailed them a picture and faster than you can say "oh honey, do you need me to take you to a shelter?" I had a prescription for an antibiotic and a painkiller.
And that's where the real story here begins. Vicodin Rachel, my druggie alter ego. I have been on Vicodin for almost a week now and I could not be more thrilled and embarrassed with the results. Vicodin Rachel is very loving, very happy, very chill and she lets everyone know it. Here's some of her top hits.
"I love you and I love vicodin."
-A note that I left my roommate when I discovered I couldn't tell her how much I loved her in person because she was asleep. So I wrote this in a post it note and stuck it to her door. I also signed this note "me".
"People never talk about the dangers of drug underdoses."
-When friends expressed concern that I was addicted, one friend pointed out that I need to stay ahead of the pain and I agreed wholeheartedly, and pointed out that underdoses are dangerous too.
"I tried to write my Christmas list but the only thing I could think of was Vicodin."
-To a friend who just asked what I did last night.
"I don't think they take requests."
-When my best friend suggested I ask my next dentist for Percocets instead.
"Do you think I should stop being friends with me?"
-I really don't even know, but I said it.
"I feel like the air in this room is hugging me."
-If you've ever had Vicodin, this needs no explanation.
"I love you. I love your face. But I love Vicodin more."
-I said this to almost everyone who I saw/texted me/was on Facebook at the same time as me/passed me on the street. And I meant it with all my heart.
"Wedding dresses do nothing for my figure. How about wedding yoga pants?"
-At the time I felt like this was a legitimate concern. You know what? Actually, I still think this is a legitimate concern. It's true. I mean I haven't actually tried on a wedding dress ever, but I have reason to believe the cuts of satin and lace and taffeta used in bridal fashion will not flatter me. But I look good AND feel good in yoga pants so I would say Victoria's Secret being the unofficial sponsor of my wedding is totally an option.
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