One of the worst parts about being a so-called "adult" is that I am now expected to bring dates to functions. I have reached the age where I can no longer have my mom take me to events to offset my awkwardness, instead I'm supposed to take someone else and amplify it. But that's not even the hardest part of taking a date to an event. The real kicker is...well finding a date. In less than a month, I have a huge, fancy event so I need to find a date and a ball gown in less than 30 days. I asked some friends how I should go about getting a date and after some completely ridiculous suggestions like "ask one of the 3 million guys you're obsessed with" they came up with some solid ideas like a social media contest or a raffle. I finally committed to an application, to be followed up by one-on-one interviews (thus tricking all applicants into going on at least one date with me). In an act of blind optimism, I printed out 3 of the following applications to hand out to all my male suitors.
1) Name
If your last name starts with a K that is strike one, but something we can hopefully work past. Like most other 12-year-olds, I have already created a long list of potential baby names and if I marry you, one kid will have the monogram "KKK" which is obviously not going to happen. But in the off chance that Hollywood invents new, weirder names like Motorcycle or Alyxia that I like better, please continue filling this out.
2) Social Media Usernames
I'm not going to pretend I'm too mature to stalk you. I'm the white girl incarnate of Enchanted by Taylor Swift. If I meet you slash view you from a distance, have access to your first and last name or a mutual friend, and like your face, I am 100% going to try to find you on Facebook or Instagram. I don't apologize.
3) Age
What I'm really shooting for here is men between the ages of 21 and 30, a range that my parents and therapist agreed on. So if you're older than 30, lie.
4) Occupation
This is where I would like to know if you are a serial killer, sociopath, Greenpeace employee, or anything else that I would consider unacceptable.
5) What is the best country?
Explain why you chose America.
6) Sports
I'm going to need to know if you're a Patriots fan right away. You will not be getting a call back. Almost anything else I can work with.
Red Sox, Steelers, Lakers, Thunder & Cowboys fans will need 3 friend recommendations to apply.
7) Future
What are your plans for the future? A beach house where we can vacation with our 6-8 children and host the best 4th of July party in the Carolinas year after year as we grow old together or a small studio apartment in Durham that smells like our 4 cats? There is obviously a right answer here, Consider this a field question.
8) Political Affiliation
Democrats need not apply. It's not going to work out. This is me letting you down easy.
9) Justin Timberlake is the best SNL guest star of all time.
Agree or disagree?
10) If you could get rid of one US state, which one would it be?
Hint: pick Canada.
11) What Taylor Swift lyrics changed your life?
Use all the Blank Space you need.
12) Who is your favorite Law and Order: SVU ADA?
If you did not understand the importance of this question, please give up. If you are thinking of answering Kim Greylek, don't call us, we'll call you.
13) What is the perfect date?
A sporting event.
A trip to the museum.
A movie.
Dinner.
April 25th.
14) Which Friends character do you identify as and why?
As long as you're not Monica, this can work. I'm Monica. Also, sorry for being Monica.
15) Would you be interested in dating me?
Blink for yes. (Did you blink? __ yes)
Back flip for no. (Can you back flip? __ no)
*This week I am celebrating White Girl Wednesday's 10,000th page view and I want to thank everyone who has ever read my blog, so thanks Mom. You're the real MVP.
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