The first post of 2015 is all about Neverlutions, those resolutions that you make every year but give up on by January 2nd when you realize that gym memberships and fresh produce are luxuries you just can't afford. Below are some of the most basic resolutions that white girls make every year, along with the reasons why they never work.
Lose Weight
This is not so much a resolution but more like a promise I make to myself every night while I'm trying to fall asleep and forget by the time I wake up. But if you've ever been to a gym in January you know how many people make this resolution. The great thing about pledging to lose weight is that it's so open-ended. Have your appendix removed this year? Congrats! You (sort of) did it!
Read More
I love to read, so this has never been a resolution of mine, but I have made the resolution to read certain books or different genres and it NEVER happens. I wish I could say that this is because I'm a literature snob who only reads Austen and Hawthorne, but it's actually quite the opposite. I tend to stick to fiction and by fiction I mean one fictional series about preteen mean girls that I reread like it's my job. I think, when it comes to reading, people just like what they like. Every year I try to make myself read Anna Karenina but I just end up reading Chelsea Handler's second book for the ninth time.
Write Letters
So people keep trying to make the postal service happen. This is a big resolution for recent college grads I've noticed, because nothing says "I have a salary now" quite like being able to afford stamps. I love the idea of writing letters. You know what I don't love? Actually writing letters. It's 2015, I don't know anyone's address. And the thought of checking my mailbox every single day? As if. I'll catch ya in my inbox.
Exercise
Very similar to losing weight, but making losing weight your resolution is the easy way out. You can basically do whatever you want all year, get pneumonia in December and you achieved your goal! Making it a point to exercise means you have to actually go to the gym, or run, or at the very least buy a new pair of tennis shoes.
Study More
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. "New semester, new me." Yeah right, until the new season of American Horror Orange is the New Girl Code is on Netflix. When it comes to classwork, it's only a lot of reading if you do it.
Start A New Hobby
Very popular among the retired crowd, new hobbies are also favored by those hoping to become more "cultured" or have "skills". Also, the recently divorced. I think the reason that this doesn't work is because new hobbies require concentration and time in early January. Between the after Christmas sales (aka Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale) and season/series premieres, who has the time? I would rather spend my January Saturdays at the mall or in front of the TV than bird collecting or stamp watching or whatever.
Eat Healthy
Again, like losing weight but without an alternative escape plan. Honestly, I think that this resolution generally fails for 2 main reasons. 1) It is expensive to eat healthy! Nothing tastes as good as Taco Bell costs. And 2) Vegetables are disgusting.
Journal
I have roughly 5 journals at any given time that I write in. One is a journal of just quotes, one is to my future children, one is to my future husband (I love you John Stamos), one is my innermost thoughts. Not having friends or a career really frees up your time. I think the problem is making the resolution to write every day, because then as soon as you miss a day, you just quit. My journal pen rolled way under my bed once and I was out of the game for weeks.
Quit Drinking
Why would you pledge to quit drinking on the very night when everyone around you is likely drinking? And there are so many drinking holidays at the beginning of the year. I mean St. Patrick's Day is obviously huge. Then there's Valentine's Day, I know I could always use a few drinks on February 14th. Not to mention Groundhog Day, Presidents Day, sometimes there are snow days, that calls for celebration. I have seen this work once. The person decided to leave alcohol in 2012, but kept chugging right up until 11:59. The next morning, she was so sick she said she was never drinking again. And she meant it. She was totally sober until her next break up. Bless her heart.
Find Love
Hahahahahahahahaha. Yeah I have a better chance of giving up Taco Bell than finding love. I feel like that was a very profound revelation. Deciding to find love is like deciding to pass a quiz. There's nothing you can do to control the outcome, it's all luck. At least that's what I tell myself. At this point my resolution is to believe that finding love is still possible even though I continue to meet more and more men that make me question how the human race has survived this long. So every January 1st, I promise to put off joining Farmers Only for another year and call myself a success story. City fold just don't get it.
Travel
I'm not an expert on this one as it is more common among people who do not live in America who want to live in America. The issue with travel is that it requires a great deal of disposable income and free time. You can't just wake up in 2015 and decide to ship off for a month in Europe. You need a passport. Not that easy to do when you have a history of buying books on Shari'a law online. I spent most of my college career studying the politics of Islam. Uncle Sam probably thinks my genuine, Hebrew name is an alias. I'm almost certain I'm on a government watch list for my last trip to the library, where I was the first person to check out Iran and the Ayatollah in a decade.
Read More White Girl Wednesday
This is actually a great resolution, but on January 1st as you're going all the way back to Decoding Girl Texts to catch up, you should think to yourself "shame on me for not appreciating White Girl Wednesday the other 364* days of the year".
*365 days during leap years
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