Today I'm dealing with an issue that affects white girls around the globe. White girls are notoriously bad at taking compliments. There's an entire Amy Schumer sketch on it, which is how I know it must be a serious issue. I myself have trouble responding appropriately to a compliment. And practice does not make perfect, I think I actually get worse with more compliments. I have a theory that if 3 people complimented me at once, my head would explode from the shock. That's why I've struggled to maintain the amateur status of this blog, I couldn't handle the celebrity.
Almost every time someone directs a comment that is not entirely negative towards me I freak out, unsure of how to respond. My go to is an overly enthusiastic "thanks, you too!"
The worst is when I do it at restaurants.
Waitress: "Enjoy your meal."
Me: "Thanks, you too."
In my defense, she will eventually have a meal and whenever that occurs, I hope that she enjoys it.
Besides "you too!" the only other compliment response I offer is a self-depreciating comment, as if I'm afraid that all bystanders are tuned into my conversation and if I don't remind them that I too, have flaws, they might revolt out of self-pity.
Innocent adoring fan: "You look so skinny today!"
Me: "Who me? I'm like a size a hundred. I look like I'm in the third trimester with twin elephants. Get out of here with that. You're skinny! You look like an Olsen twin before rehab!"
Today a little girl told me I looked like a Barbie and I was speechless, I had no idea what to say. Brunettes do not prepare themselves for a compliment like that. So of course I blurted "Oh my gosh, thanks! You too!" and she just looked at me like "You idiot, there are no Barbies of third graders" and the moment was ruined.
So even though I am no expert, I have compiled a list of what I consider to be completely appropriate responses to whatever compliments may arise. You're welcome.
You look so adorable today!
Crap, I was going for ruggedly handsome.
I love your hair!
Thanks, I guess...it took the first 3 years of my life to grow it.
You look so good in that picture!
I'm guessing there's no one else in the picture then?
You're really funny.
Pretty and cute were taken so I had to find a talent.
Your teeth are so pretty.
I will forward that compliment to my orthodontist.
I love your sweater!
And I love Target for selling it to me!
You would be the perfect wife.
Marry me. Stop running away, I was completely serious.
You look so skinny!
I did have the flu 3 weeks ago, thanks for noticing!
I love your shoes!
They were $10!
(For some reason this is a big thing, whenever someone comments on something I got on sale I just have to tell them the price. And lots of people do this. I find this extremely strange and yet I know good and well that the next time someone tells me they like my coat I'm going to tell them it was 75% off.)
Your eyes are so bright!
No they're not, they're brown. Literally the color of mud, how can mud be bright?
I love your outfit.
Thanks! I like to call my style "nightmare dressed as a lazy nightmare."
I love your smile.
I love cheese.
You would make a great mother.
Don't say that to my 3rd fish this month.
You look like a Barbie.
Maybe the off-brand "barbeez" your mom bought at Dollar General because the real ones were too expensive.
and my personal favorite,
You are so cute.
No I'm not. You wouldn't call Beyonce cute would you? I'm flawless.
*Special thanks to my friend Caitlinn for giving me so many undeserved compliments and thereby forcing me to practice my responses. Also for being her fabulous self.
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