Today's post reflects what appears to be a post-marathon wealth of free time but I can assure you that is all a facade. Free time is still a hop, skip and a month away but I have to start fantasizing now about what I will do with it if I'm going to survive the last few weeks of class. When I make my long-awaited return to leisure activities I expect the television schedule to be a little different. Here is a list of shows I have whipped up using 2 simple ingredients: shows that already exist and a dash of insanity. In my defense the current shows are simply not living up to my expectations and they could be greatly improved with a pinch of extra...something. You'll get the hang of it.
River Monsters Among Us
River Monsters terrifies me as is, imagine the same show only now the monsters aren't just confined to rivers. Every time I watch this show I have nightmares about leeches and piraiba even though I spend most of my time on land and therefore not in immediate danger of death by aquatic animal. Imagine a show that features all of the same predators from rivers, but capable of invading our every day lives. I'm talking piranhas in toilet tanks, arapaimas in swimming pools, and much, much worse. It's part Florida evening news and part Final Destination ("If only grandpa had checked the hot tub for a gator first...").
Friends With Benefits
I admit the main draw of this show would be the return of the original Friends cast but I hope to trick the majority of America into finally realizing that friends with benefits is a terrible life decision. Those 2 identical movies released in 2011 didn't really get this point across. This series would show how everyone's lives would be if they had hooked up according to The One With the Flashback. Ross and Phoebe separated after he learned that Street Phoebe once mugged him years ago. Chandler and Rachel happily occupy separate wings in a mansion upstate, Chandler is miserable transponsting but needs the money to support Rachel and her Sphinx cat collection. Joey and Monica have 6 sons, Joseph Angelo, Joseph Raphael, Joseph Dante, Joseph John, Joseph Francis and Joseph Stalin (Joey insisted, claiming he has definitely heard it before so it must be an ancestor and no one had the heart to tell him).
Extreme Hoarding: Full House
I have been waiting for someone to call Full House out for decades, and with the alleged reprise that I still believe is a particularly dedicated April Fool's joke, now might finally be my time. My first issue with them is that all of the wholesome family fun in this show reportedly takes place in San Francisco. I'm not buying it. San Francisco is Latin for Sodom and Gomorrah. My second issue is that I could make a strong case for human hoarding here. I mean there's 9 people in the immediate family, add an extra Olsen twin, Kimmy Gibbler is always there along with the guy who voiced Aladdin and this has to be violating some mass residential occupancy law. I realize Nancy Pelosi stays pretty busy practicing looks of disdain in a mirror so her botox addiction doesn't betray her whenever a Republican speaks, but if you can't control Full House, can you control The House?
America's Next Top Model Cycle 137: Little Women
If you don't watch Little Women: LA or Little Women: NY I'm really not sure what you're doing with your Wednesday nights. The drama and violence that always escalates with these women is comparable only to the tensions that rise in a house full of a dozen aspiring models. This cycle of ANTM would be like the British invasion, the LA little women would compete against the NY little women. My sincere hope is that when forced to work together, the women will start to get along, but the drama between the 2 cities is sure to continue. The challenges would be seemingly simple things like "share a meal without a fistfight ensuing" or "hear some gossip and don't repeat it" that no one on these shows is capable of. The makeover episode would turn especially violent after Terra is given extensions and Christy gets a buzz cut.
Intervention 2.0: Exorcism
Okay I've never seen this show but whenever I see it in the TV Guide I can't help but think about how it almost "went there". Interventions are so mainstream, who among us has never come home to a room full of friends that are "seriously concerned" and "want the best for us" and offer to help us "start wearing pants again" because our behavior "just isn't normal"? But exorcisms...I would totally tune in once a week to watch an exorcism. I imagine this show going down a lot like Catfish, someone would write in to the Vatican like "Dear Pope Francis...I need your help...used to be a model student...killing cats for sport...demonic...Satanic rituals...bloody prom dress...XOXO concerned friend."
Teen StepMoms
Can we talk for a minute about the fact that the former stars of 16 and Pregnant somehow always have money for manis and pedis? Not only do they all sport acrylic nails, but almost every episode shows at least one of them bonding with a friend at a nail salon. I'm almost 22, I've never been pregnant and I can't afford that. And since paying someone to paint my nails is impossible, paying someone to be my friend and come to the salon with me is out of the question. But this show would be entirely different, featuring teenagers who marry older men and become stepmoms to kids actually older than them. These teen stepmoms are out there, I promise. And I am so intrigued...high hopes for this show.
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