This misadventure began when my roommate Ginny started having stomach pains. My initial diagnosis was preterm labor until Ginny told me she wasn't pregnant. 15 seasons of ER taught me to never trust the patient so I promptly told her I would need to perform an ultrasound to confirm. When she refused my medical services we headed to the Emergency Room. Thank goodness it was after 5:00 PM so we were able to park. In Chapel Hill you really need to schedule all medical crises around free parking.
After waiting in the ER for almost 2 hours and making multiple phone calls soliciting medical advice from my peers who didn't double major in the humanities (it's okay, one day they will be dying to know the name of the last Pahlavi monarch and I'll be there) we determined that there was no hope. Interestingly enough the thought of spending all night in the ER with only me to talk to made Ginny feel a little better so we went back home.
Around 3:00 AM she awoke to more pain. This time my other roommate Caroline joined us in the ER. I guess all my snapchat selfies with Ginny retching in the background made it seem like great fun. Quality lighting can do that. Please note that this was after we called to ask how long the wait was, like we were reserving a table at the Cheesecake Factory. "Hi, gastrectomy party of 3, near a window please."
After waiting in the ER for almost 2 hours and making multiple phone calls soliciting medical advice from my peers who didn't double major in the humanities (it's okay, one day they will be dying to know the name of the last Pahlavi monarch and I'll be there) we determined that there was no hope. Interestingly enough the thought of spending all night in the ER with only me to talk to made Ginny feel a little better so we went back home.
Around 3:00 AM she awoke to more pain. This time my other roommate Caroline joined us in the ER. I guess all my snapchat selfies with Ginny retching in the background made it seem like great fun. Quality lighting can do that. Please note that this was after we called to ask how long the wait was, like we were reserving a table at the Cheesecake Factory. "Hi, gastrectomy party of 3, near a window please."
So when we get to the emergency room we immediately note that the atmosphere has completely changed from earlier. Instead of having to remove all of my piercings before I go through the metal detector, the police officer just asked me if I had any guns or knives with me. I don't mean to brag, but I could have totally lied. My first thought was "Man! I could have brought snacks!" and my second thought was "This is a hospital not a basketball game, idiot!".
At this point, I've basically constructed a medical chart in my head and decided it's appendicitis. While waiting for a doctor I surveyed the supplies and informed Ginny that I would feel comfortable doing the surgery myself. I explained the procedure using only Grey's Anatomy quotes and a few made up words like abdomination and appendixise. I was writing a consent form on the back of a Taco Bell receipt I found in my purse and promoted Caroline to scrub nurse when Ginny decided she would be "more comfortable" with a "medical professional" (the " "s denote eye rolls).
Still trying to be of assistance, I ordered Caroline to make a call to the Vatican and told Ginny we would be performing an exorcism instead. At this point her pain was improving but she was still not amused with me. I threw in a few "the power of Christ compels you" chants for good measure but she still seemed pretty annoyed. I guess appendicitis just does that to some people.
I was officially out of ideas so I decided to cruise Tinder for hot doctors and Caroline pulled out her laptop to do homework. And I kid you not, she asked me for the wifi password. She asked for the emergency room wifi password. Gee, I don't know try 911thisisahospital, all lowercase.
When the doctor finally came in he had to ask us to leave because Ginny was the only diva big enough to bring an entourage to the ER. Caroline and I of course obliged but once we got out of the holding area, we had no idea where to go. I suggested taking a walk, going to the food court, Starbucks. All of these were of course non-options when we remembered it was 5:00 AM. So we sat in an abandoned hallway until a nurse asked us to leave. I get that it's not "sanitary" for us to wait in a "quarantine hall" but a little more signage is all I'm asking for, that place was a maze.
Somewhere around 3 hours later we finally heard those magical words. Discharge papers. Ginny left with a diagnosis (kidney stone) and a parting gift (percocet prescription) while Caroline and I left with several questions for our ER friends, particularly the gentleman handcuffed to his hospital bed, but I reckon some things are better left unsaid.
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