White Girl A La Carte

Those of you who have purchased the deluxe edition of 1989 (hopefully all of you) know that Taylor Swift explains part of her song writing process in 3 additional tracks. And if T. Swift can pull it off I figure so can I. Except for red lipstick. And high waisted shorts. And expressing your emotions in a healthy, non-destructive way.

This post isn't a look into my blog writing procedure, because trust me you do not want to know what goes on up here, but I would like to say that I wrote this entire blog post from a single phrase.
"side-eye salad"
So thank you Jean-Luc, as always, for being my inspiration and the wind beneath my freak flag. 

White Girl A La Carte is a white girl-inspired menu combining 2 of my loves in life, grammar and food. Bon appetit.

Side-Eye Salad
Side-eye. Noun. To peer at with disdain.
This dish is inspired by those dinners where you order a side salad as your whole meal because you're so poor. So since it's not technically on the side of anything, it's a side-eye salad, referring to the pointed glances at everyone else's food. But the good news is you don't even have to eat salad to give side-eye. I drink side-eye water plenty, trust me.

Primp & Grits
Primp. Verb. To groom oneself meticulously.
Do y'all follow any middle schoolers on Instagram because either the awkward puberty stage is a thing of the past or they could all Photoshop the pants off of me (figuratively and literally) and I've taken graphic design courses. Or perhaps the recent increase in photogenics is due to the fact that 6th graders now have access to millions of make up tutorial videos on Youtube. You know what I had in 6th grade? Parents who wouldn't let me wear make up till high school. But kids these days post selfies that get hundreds of likes, meanwhile I would pay hundreds of dollars to make all photos of middle school me disappear. Primp & grits reflect the ridiculous prep time that goes into taking those perfect selfies and the grits that I think look pre-digested but everyone else seems to love.

5-Star(bucks) Roast Duck
Starbucks. Noun. The corporation that brought you pumpkin spice lattes.
What could possibly be fancier than roast duck? Perhaps a coffee shop where for the low, low price of Daddy's money you can drink 2x the caffeine in a Coke but still eschew sodas as "so unhealthy". A place where white girls have displaced the native hipster population. And what better to follow a Sixbucks latte than a succulent roast duck? You've already perfected the duck lips after all.

Filtered Apple Fritters
Filtered. Adjective. When an image has clearly been altered to make it more likable.
Apple fritters are like donuts but somehow more healthy and rustic, think of them being served on burlap at literally every wedding you've been to in the past year. Filtered apple fritters are meticulously arranged until their presentation is considered Instagram-worthy. Just add #foodintheair and wait for the likes to start rolling in.

Hashtag Browns 
Hashtag. Noun. Tbh who even knows what these guys mean?
White girls who wouldn't be caught dead eating french fries will line up for some hash browns at brunch. And the hashtag has risen quickly to become one of the most powerful characters in the universe (just behind its Twitter-kin the @ sign). You can tell everything you need to know about someone by simply asking them to identify this character (pound sign, number sign, hashtag, tic-tac-toe board) the results are very telling.

Twice Flaked Potato
Flakey. Adjective. Non-committal, liars. (See also: ex-boyfriends)
We all know it, white girls are often flakey. Cancelling plans, showing up late, telling us what we want to hear. Here's a look at what we say versus what we mean.
"We should totally do lunch sometime!" means "does she not remember that we aren't friends?"
"I'll text you!" means "be talking to you never!"
"Yeah I'm on the way." means "I just started getting dressed."
 and then there's my personal favorite "Sure, I'll send you the pictures." which means "say goodbye to these photos forever, they're gone."
And similar to hash browns, baked potatoes are thought of as a much healthier alternative to fries. THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE TO FRIES. And can I point out that to your stomach, all potatoes are mashed potatoes. 

Pet Insta-Yam Casserole
Pet Insta. Noun. An Instagram account that purports to belong to an animal.
There is perhaps nothing more exclusively white girl than making an Instagram account for your pet. For some strange reason, white people seem to think that their pets need followers and likes. At some point in the near future I will dedicate an entire blog post to pet Instagrams. Additionally, white girls love to show how southern they are by making/eating/posting a photo of sweet potato casserole. And much like how I count fries with ketchup as 2 servings of vegetables, sweet potato casserole really just means candied pecans with a hint of mashed yam.

BaeGoals (Bagels)
Bae Goals. Noun. What we all aspire to.
For reasons only half of you will get, I really never want to discuss bagels again ever. But I recognize that white girls love their bagels, whether you are adding cream cheese, eating bagel thins, heating up bagel bites or sharing a bagel with the garbage for breakfast. But thankfully bagels are a thing of my past and bae goals are a thing of my, well never. But what's important here is to appreciate your significant other for whatever makes them #BaeGoals. Being themselves, having a cute laugh or, well, existing.