Clothed & Asleep

I don't believe anyone who has ever known me for more than a day would recommend that I spend even more time watching TV, but one of my best friends has accidentally gotten me addicted to Naked and Afraid, so thank you Chelsea. Since I first watched, this show has been popping up all over my life like an ex-boyfriend I need to unfollow. But we all know I won't do that.

Just today I had to pry myself away from a Naked and Afraid marathon to attend Chelsea's birthday dinner. Ironic, right? While I was away my roommate Ginny texted me updates on the gentleman from the show with the gangrene. She's the best type of friend.

In this show, two "survivalists" are sent to a remote location to survive for 21 days. And they're naked. I say "survivalists" because the qualifications always sound more like girl scout badges than careers. Example "John is a 30-year-old CrossFit instructor who has been camping since he was 13. In his free time he hikes with his dog Molly and practices yoga." They each get a crossbody bag that provides some strategic cover and one survival item. For the most part, one contestant brings a knife and the other brings something to store and boil water, which makes me think there must be some sort of communication from the powers that be at Discovery Channel. What if both contestants showed up with a pot to boil water? At least they don't have to worry about both contestants showing up in the same outfit I guess.

I've given some thought to what my one survival item would be and I've narrowed it down to my 3 top picks. A fully functioning RV, a survival guide, or a 24 pack of toilet paper. The hard part is I feel they would all aid in my survival equally so I really couldn't choose just one.

Contestants also get a map of the land and their pickup location for day 21 where a guy in a truck will arrive to carry them away from the God-forsaken land they conquered. In every episode I've ever seen, the map is given to the woman. Take that as you will. As this show reminds me over and over, humans can only survive for 3 days without water. Personally, I think I would have trouble going 3 minutes without water, and that's not an overstatement. My mother had me tested. Anyways, the first segment of the show normally involves the contestants searching for a water source and trying to make a fire to purify said water. I would be highly motivated to secure water, and then immediately lose interest in survival after my thirst was satiated. The male contestant would announce "I'm going to go collect sticks to make a fire." to which I would reply "I'm going to go collect seashells to make a necklace."

Going into the show contestants are given a preliminary PSR, or primitive survival rating based on 3 categories: skill, experience, and mental aptitude. At the end of the show PSRs are re-evaluated based on performance. I have 2 main issues with this system. 1-what does one do with a PSR? Does it function like a wilderness GPA? Do you put it on your resume? LinkedIn profile? Tombstone? I don't know. And 2-the assignment of the PSRs, which exist on a 10-point scale seem kind of arbitrary. Is there an official governing council for PSRs? In one episode a male contestant's PSR decreased because he had a poor attitude, which I don't think is fair at all. I've never been naked outside and I pray I never am, but I can guarantee you that if I were, I would NOT be thrilled about it. Additionally, you can still go far in life without smiling every second of every day. Look at Victoria Beckham.

If the contestants prove that they can survive the elements, they still have to contend with the wildlife, poisonous flora and preying fauna. I've seen an island infested with rats, a river swamped with man-eating lizards and a cave shared with a bushmaster. And almost every episode features some species of monkey that threatens to steal food or spread disease, which is a little too close to the Hunger Games for me. I want to continue to think of monkeys as cute little tree climbers from the zoo, not murderous beasts in the jungles of South America. Is that so wrong?

After binge-watching this show for a few days, I embarked on an excursion to test my knowledge. Armed with only a bag, a towel, a good book,  ChapStick, sunscreen, clothes, sunglasses, shoes, a water bottle, bug spray, hair ties and roughly 12 SPFs if my calculations are correct, I set out for the 26 mile journey. The first 25 miles were easiest. Because they were in a car. But once we arrived at Eno River State Park, we still had to hike a mile to the rock quarry. Now there were other paths we could have taken, 5, 10, 20 yard treks across pavement to public swimming pools. But being adventurous, we headed down the hill, not to return for hours.

After a grueling mile where we faced mosquitoes, ants and worms, we reached our destination. For and hour we swam in the rock quarry, I kept lookout for the frogs and dragonflies that threatened our every move. Suddenly, thanks to innate survival skills, I sensed night falling and urged the group to head back to home base. It turns out I had confused a thunder storm for nightfall, but to be fair both were reasons to return. So we braved another mile hike and 25 mile drive to our pickup location, my house. And I've been waiting for a guy with a truck to pick me up ever since.

Needless to say, after this experience I realized that my chances of one day ending up on Naked and Afraid were minimal. But I still hold out hope for my own spin-off, where instead of naked and afraid I will be fully clothed and more or less asleep.