First I want to apologize that my last 2 posts have been so late in the day. I know you're sitting by your smartphones, refreshing the page all day because I have a lot of page views and this seems to be the most reasonable explanation for that. But allow me to explain. It has been a crazy summer so far. Not crazy in the sense that I have been on vacation, going on dates or busy with a new job, but crazy in the sense that sometimes I accidentally watch a marathon of Married At First Sight to keep hope alive when I should be applying for jobs and writing blog posts. To further prove my point, I want to divulge to you all (Mom? Grandma? Gang's all here.) that I can't even remember the last time I got to watch Jeopardy! so clearly I have been busy. Now that the nasty business of me admitting to being flawed is over...
I almost titled this post "Things I Don't Understand" but I soon discovered that could escalate into a multi-month series. If I started writing about things I don't understand, I might never stop. And then who's going to be the sole online review for each new episode of Extreme Cougar Wives and Branson Famous? So to further focus this post I settled on questions I don't understand. When you're a well-respected citizen and authority figure (or the only person in the room) such as myself, people tend to ask you a lot of questions. "What do you think of Michael Moore?" "How many seconds should I microwave this donut?" "What's your favorite color?" I'm not talking about those questions, I obviously have great answers for those questions. Moron. 8. Yellow. This is about all those questions people ask me that they should seriously know the answer to already. It's like Taylor Swift or someone else just as quotable once said, there are no stupid questions. Only stupid people asking questions.
"Do you seriously only like him because he thinks you're funny?"
1 syllable. Duhhhhhhhhh. Since when is that an invalid reason to like someone? If you laugh at my jokes on multiple occasions I'm at the very least going to invite you to my wedding and at the most going to ask you to marry me. Honestly, you don't even have to laugh. Just follow me on social media and I will automatically start telling everyone I know "Oh, her? She is so sweet!" even if I had no idea who you were a week ago.
"What are you wearing?"
Unless you're referring to the present, chances are I have no idea. But more importantly, who cares?! I'm a firm believer in wearing whatever you want and personally I would rather be underdressed than overdressed. Also...have you seen my closet? If so, you probably wouldn't be asking this question because you would know that my response will likely be "something black" or "a Dance Marathon shirt". I'm not gonna run through all my options with you like "hmmm maybe the Calvin Klein dress or the LOFT romper?" More like "definitely something I got at Target." Maybe one day I'll show up to a wedding in norts and a tank top and learn my lesson. Maybe not. Again...who cares?
and "What are you wearing"s first cousin...
"Are you really wearing that?"
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. If you're at my house and we're getting ready to go somewhere and I have my purse, yeah, that's your sign that this is my outfit. And I am not going to change because you express disapproval. But maybe this is my fault. So I am sincerely sorry if I gave you the impression that I care what you think.
"Are you free tonight?"
No. I'm expensive. Answering this question is like playing Russian roulette. If you say you're free you might get invited to something you sincerely have no interest in but if you're anything like me you're too polite to use the excuse of "oh I wish I could, I just really don't want to". If you say you're busy you might miss out on being invited to something super awesome, like dinner. So if you're about to ask someone this question, don't Trojan horse them. Just ask them if they wanna drive you to the airport so they can say they have to wash their hair and not feel guilty about it.
"Would you like more bread?"
What kind of question is this, seriously? What about me makes you think that there is a question as to whether I wish to consume more empty carbohydrates? Your tip will be proportional to the amount of bread you bring me. And by that standard if a blind date shows up an hour late again, you could put your twins through college on my tip.
"Do you think you're funny?"
No. I think I'm hilarious. Of course I think I'm funny. I get asked this question mainly by my best friends just trying to make me hate myself I guess? I don't actually know what their endgame is here. So anyways, if you're reading this (which they probably aren't) stop asking me this! I am a hoot, owlright?
"You don't drink?"
I get asked this at least once a week and then have to answer a whole other list of questions that are all asking the exact same thing. "Wait, so like, you don't drink alcohol?" "You don't drink at all?" "You never have?" "Do you want some of this?" "Will you ever drink?" and my personal favorite, "Why don't you drink?" I think the better question is why do you? But between asking that and telling people I'm pregnant so they will accept my sobriety I'm quote-alienating the public. So one last time. No. No. No. No. I don't plan to. Because.
"You have a blog?!"
This is often asked with an element of excitement. Okay more like surprise that I can both read AND write. But I really don't know how to take this question because it normally comes from semi-close acquaintances that I just assumed knew I had a blog because we're Facebook friends or they accidentally followed me on Twitter or they don't live under a stupid rock.
and finally...
"How are you single?"
Believe me, this baffles me just as much as it does you.
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