This isn't a political post, I just love George W. Bush.
For those of you who have yet to purchase a Father's Day gift for your dad (which I'm willing to bet is most of you), don't feel bad. Dads are hard to shop for. People often say "I just don't know what to get him, he has everything." but that probably isn't true. More likely it's your mom who has everything but you can always get her some crappy jewelry or a picture of you and she will have to love it. Guys have all the fun, you get a snazzy Y chromosome and better gifts. Give your dad a picture of you and he is free to laugh in your face or use it as a coaster, so you have to up your game. You could just buy him a new tie but unless he's a news anchor or game show host, he probably doesn't need a 47th tie.
Luckily, I have created the ultimate Father's Day gift guide based on dad personality types. Are you positive that your little brother is your dad's favorite because he's the best at sports? Don't feel bad, he's just a sporty dad, he will appreciate your pottery projects one day. Does your dad have a newer phone than you and understand that the app store isn't a physical building? He's a tech dad! Or maybe your dad loves all the traditional dad stuff like eating steak for every meal and wearing loafers? He's a classic dad. Does your dad think camping in an RV is cheating? Outdoorsy dad. Maybe your dad tells dad jokes AND jokes that actually make people laugh? Funny dad! Or does he prefer actually reading the newspaper instead of just doing the sudoku and crossword puzzles? Retired dad. None of the above? We'll just go with cool dad because he's obviously a hipster/nonconformist/renegade. And below you can find the perfect gift for your dad, provided he fits into one of these traditional father archetypes. You're welcome.
The Sporty Dad
Sports books.
Step 1: get into a Journalism school. Step 2: infiltrate the sports communication program. Step 3: after completing several courses, save the all the books about teams, coaches and sports in general that you were required to buy. Step 4: take those same books (if you're lucky, your father already paid for them), and wrap them up for a great gift!
Or you know, a Panthers t-shirt works too. Just make sure that whatever logo-embossed item you pick up actually suits your dad. For instance, if you're like me and tend to head over to the clearance section, you don't want to accidentally get an extra small NC State jacket or a Charlotte Hornets shot glass for your dad who works out every day and doesn't drink. Being a good sport (haha see what I did there?) he will pretend to like it after the initial confusion wears off. And in the event that your father isn't a fan of any North Carolina teams, just get him a Carolina Hurricanes mug and tell him to cheer local.
The Techy Dad
Amazon Fire TV.*
I can tell you what not to get him and that's Windows 8. Other than that I'm kind of lost when it comes to technology but I did find this little gem that we in the manipulative daughters industry call a win-win. More shows for you to watch, more shows for your dad to watch so you aren't constantly watching all 486 episodes of Sports Center that air every day on ESPN. You know how dads are, they pretend that if they don't watch all 9 innings of baseball there's no way they will be able to understand the game but have no problem taking over the TV in the middle of Criminal Minds. Really dads, you can't gather from 7-2 that one team is winning by 5 but I'm supposed to be able to sleep not knowing if the UnSub was caught?
*This is kind of expensive, so maybe just pick him up a new stylus or power cord in the $5 bins at Target.
The Cool Dad
Power bank.
Because every dad that actually knows how to use his smart phone needs/deserves a portable power bank.Your cool dad might have more Twitter followers than you, and social media apps drain a battery. Or maybe he's constantly taking pictures of his tattoos/dogs/skateboard tricks. Maybe he's always on Buzzfeed or Tumblr or YouTube. Maybe he actually texts you back and keeps his phone on so he can answer your calls when you need him...that would be crazy. And it would also drain his battery. So for all the times when your car breaks down, you get lost, you can't remember who won the Super Bowl in 1996, or you just need to talk to the one man who will never find a flaw in you, help your dad keep his phone charged. Then work on making him keep it on.
The Classic Dad
Literally anything that would illicit the response "grill" in a rapid game of word association.
A new grill brush, a personalized spatula so every burger can be branded with "#1 DAD", a carnivore cookbook, a portable grill, the possibilities are endless. And if you get your dad grill gadgets, he will have to test them out. After sampling some grilled steak, burgers, shrimp, chicken, and quail you can tell him that you definitely taste a difference.
If your dad is classic, but vegetarian, you can treat him to my favorite meat-free meal. McDonald's french fries and cookie dough. Bon appetit.
The Outdoorsy Dad
Waterproof travel bag.
This will be so handy. Take it camping, take it to the beach, take it whitewater rafting. Just find a waterproof bag in a size and color you think your dad would like and fill it with travel size health products. Travel toothbrush-99 cents. Travel toothpaste-99 cents. Travel soap-99 cents. Travel shampoo-99 cents. The look on your dad's face when your gift says "maybe invest more time in personal hygiene"-priceless.
There are even fun variations of this gift. If your dad loves Naked and Afraid as much as I do (which I doubt), insert one survival tool into this bag and tell him to go live (fully clothed) in the backyard for a few days. He will really get a kick out of that.
Or use this bag to tell him he's going on a trip. He will open his gift and be all "why do I need a travel size ear & nose hair trimmer?" and you'll be all "cause you should really focus on facial hair maintenance more and you're going to Canada!" Minor issue here is you will need to provide a vacation as well as the bag, maybe go in with your mom for that.
The Funny Dad
Tie.
As in it's a tie between a handmade Phil's-osophy book from Modern Family or a handmade Bro Code from How I Met Your Mother. So please don't actually get him a tie.
The easy tiebreaker here is if your dad is happily married to your mom make him his own copy of Phil's-osophy gems like "If you love something, set it free. Unless it's a tiger." from fellow funny(ish) dad Phil Dunphy. If he's single make him a copy of Article 43 "A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn't America" and the rest of Barney's Bro Code.
If you don't like Modern Family or How I Met Your Mother, first of all what's wrong with you? And second, don't think that providing your dad with a list of his jokes that aren't funny will go over well or result in changes. You'd be wrong.
The Retired Dad
Senso golf glove.**
Because you know what they say about dads with golf gloves. Nothing because nobody cares about golf, but if your dad does you should get him this! I don't know what this thing actually does because it turns out the only thing more boring than watching golf is reading about the latest technological advances in golf gear. But based on the price I assume that it's a bionic hand that will make you the best golf player in the world.
**Also, expensive. What are the chances he would be just as happy with a jumbo word search book from Dollar Tree?
and in case you need to make up for a long history of bad Father's Day presents...
A motorized tie rack.
No comments:
Post a Comment