How To Be Single

If you read my blog regularly, first of all thank you and second of all might I recommend clicking on those ads to the right of this text and third of all, you might have noticed that a lot of my blog posts involve me giving advice on subjects that I am ridiculously underqualified to speak on. Like school and boys and gosh I think that's pretty much all I write about. How very sad. But I'm not apologizing. About 4 inches above these very words I say, quote, don't take me too seriously and anyways, several people have made a living speaking on subjects that they know nothing about. John Kerry, a particular former professor of mine and all those people writing parenting books who don't actually have children.

But this week I decided to mix things up and write about something I actually have a lot of experience with. Not restraining orders. Being single! If you say it with an exclamation point it's marginally less sad. Dying a childless spinster isn't terribly high on my current list of priorities but it seems to be yet another accomplishment I will achieve without really trying, like perfect attendance or least improved. So it's only fair that I pay it forward and share my knowledge with the less fortunate who might have trouble being single.

So if you are tired of getting hit on all the time, need to keep the boys at bay while you contemplate joining a convent, are trying to get your current flame to dump you, or just want to know what not to do, look no further. These methods are time-proven and after 22 years of experience and field tests I can assure you that the following maneuvers will in no way result in you finding yourself accidentally happy in a relationship. Angst is the new bliss.


Dude
Nothing says you better apply for permanent residency in the friend zone quite like calling a guy "dude". Why no one understands that this is a term of endearment is beyond me. I call my girl friends dude, I call my guy friends dude, I call my mom dude, I call my co-workers dude, I call 3-year-olds dude, I call my grandma dude. It obviously means I'm comfortable with you and I love you but my mother claims it's off-putting and makes males view me as one of the guys instead of the available debutante I suppose she would have me appear to be. Has this led me to stop calling guys dude? No. Has this led to a gentleman asking for my hand in marriage? No.

Selfies
You all should know by now there a few things I feel very strongly about. Like T. rex equality, the state of Pluto's planethood, and ending selfie shame. As much as I believe in the right to bear arms. I'm terrified of guns. And as much as I believe in a woman's right to post a selfie, I'm almost always too afraid to do it. More often than not, if I'm taking a selfie or taking part in a group selfie, my eyes are closed and my tongue is out like the rockstar I believe myself to be. I just think I look remarkably less weird when I'm making a crazy face instead of smiling and smizing. I'm sure this is very telling about the inner workings (or lack thereof) in my brain. Must discuss with therapist. The point here is, my irrational fear of posting selfies keeps my profile pictures subpar. So online dating is out. Eliminating a solid 90% of the desperate, I mean eligible, men.

Eye Contact
Like Tupac's "death" and St. Patrick's Day, I don't believe in it. There is definitely a right and a wrong time and place for eye contact. Making eye contact with a potential employer during an interview? Totally. Go for it. Making eye contact with an eligible bachelor while you're out at night and he might actually come over and talk to you? I'm hopping on the nope train straight out of forgetthisville. Although I will say that out of all the times I have accidentally made eye contact with guys at parties, they very seldom attempt a conversation. In the roughly 4927 incidences of AEC, accidental eye contact, I have had to endure somewhere in the ballpark of 0 conversations. This also drives my mother crazy. She is constantly claiming that everyone in the vicinity is checking me out, which leads to me asking what is on my face. One of us is very wrong in this scenario.

Wardrobe
Women's magazines are always claiming to know what types of outfits guys like, but my question is, why do we women care? Not that I'm immune to wanting to look nice, I just also happen to really, really not care. As much as I might envision a specific look for a fun night on the town (is this still an expression?), when it comes to actually getting ready, my idea for smokey eyes, a slinky dress and stilletos quickly turns into a fresh face, flexible pants and flip flops. My mother refers to all of my shirts as "tents" but if God didn't want me to wear XL shirts, why did he make them so comfy? If a guy can't love me in my Nike shorts and stained UNC Dance Marathon t-shirts, he doesn't deserve me in my yoga leggings and faded Carolina baseball tank top.

Looking
People are constantly telling me that I will find love when I stop looking for it. Um. I haven't worn eyeliner in months and I spend almost every Friday night watching Saturday Night Live reruns on VH1 alone. Who's looking? A professional really needs to clearly define what constitutes "looking". Instead of offering their ideas for immigration reform and job creation, can the presidential candidates each take a stance on what it means to be "looking"? We could do it at the first debate, moderated by relationship expert, Dr. Drew.

Making Moves
I'm old-fashioned. And of course by old-fashioned I mean terrified at the possibility of rejection. I think that it's a guy's job to make the first move. And all subsequent moves. How is this working out for me you ask? It isn't. Somehow we have gone through the looking glass into the 21st century and the roles have reversed. Now girls can ask guys out. Which was interpreted by the male species as a cease and desist. Do you know how hard it is to get a guy to ask you out these days? Let me rephrase that. Do you know how hard it is to get a guy to ask ME out these days? Guys just don't make the first move anymore. At least that's what I tell myself. And since I am also unwilling to make the first move, we appear to have reached an impasse. They'll cave eventually. 

Worrying 
Whenever I have a new love interest, a term I use very loosely because I can imagine a future with a guy in under 3 minutes post-introduction with literally no encouragement from them, I always ask neutral third parties if they think he might be interested. The response I normally get is "don't worry about it" which makes me feel so incredibly not better at all. Don't worry about it? Wow, why didn't I think of that. Instead of worrying about whether he likes me, I should just NOT worry. Oh, okay. No thanks "friends" and "family" I think I will stick to completely freaking out, checking all of his social media accounts, texting him 3 times in a row, repeatedly viewing his Snapchat stories and driving by his house. Thanks.

Being Yourself
Much like eating the last piece of bread, screaming every word to Total Eclipse of the Heart, and repeating verbatim my favorite YouTube videos in their entirety whenever something triggers a memory, being myself is something I just can't seem to stop doing. With the exception of course of trying to be celebrities. Any given day you can find my hair trying to be Ariana Grande, my body trying to be Beyonce, my body language trying to be Kate McKinnon, my personality trying to be Amy Schumer and my social media profiles trying to be Kardashians. No matter how hard I try to be someone else, I always end up still being myself. It's like Dr. Seuss said, "there is no one alive who is youer than me" or something. I am often told "just be the best version of yourself" but what I hear is "be a little less yourself" and dude, I so do not abide. I think what I'm trying to say is, if you want to find a boyfriend, don't be me. But if you want to be awesome, continue to be yourself. You can trust Seuss, he's a doctor.

There are several quotes that have impacted my life in a profound way. Almost all of them are from Carrie Bradshaw, Cher Horowitz and Anna Kendrick. But Charlotte York offers the best perspective for finding a man. You can never go wrong taking advice from fictional characters, that's what I (and other certifiably insane people) always say. "Maybe our girlfriends are our soul mates and guys are just people to have fun with." So on that note...I should really invest in some friends.

Stay tuned for How To Have Friends, the long awaited sequel to How To Be Single.