N[ew] England*

Recently some of my best friends have been considering moving to Boston to attend prestigious grad schools and work at world-famous hospitals. To those friends I would like to say congratulations, very impressive and not on my watch. I am prepared to do whatever it takes to keep you all from moving anywhere outside of a 40 mile radius from myself. That's not a threat. It's a promise.

So, without further ado, White Girl Wednesday is pleased to present: the top 15 reasons why Boston sucks. Please forgive us if your least favorite thing about Boston didn't make the list. It was extremely difficult narrowing the list down to 15 as there are so many truly awful facts about the area. So in a way, they're really all tied for number 1.

1. Frozen Tundra
Boston thinks it's the North Pole and that is a fact. I see so many women in North Carolina walking around in floor-length down coats, a wardrobe piece you really don't need south of the Mason-Dixon. But those women are probably from Boston where you need a parka (pahka) through August. Imagine wearing a pair of long johns under every outfit you own. They have to wear wetsuits to shower. It's heinous.

2. Bostonese
Bostonians and their cahs and pahks and blah blah blah. The only accent that makes less sense is the distinct Baltimore dialect made famous by Hairspray and Kathy Bates in AHS: Freak Show. And it's not just the accent, they have their own vocabulary. You would need to take a foreign language course to survive up there what with the bubblers and the shopping carriages it's insufferahble.

3. Paul Revere was a snitch.
'Nuff said.

4. Tom Brady
Imagine your kid gets invited to a birthday party with bouncy houses and a slide and an inflatable obstacle course. But when you get there, the bouncy houses and the slide and the obstacle course are all deflated. Welcome to Boston.

5. The Kennedys
JFK Jr. was the best (looking) one and he was gone too soon. No one even knows the second verse to Sweet Caroline, whether you believe it's about Caroline Kennedy or not.

6. Christmas is outlawed.
Yep, no celebrating Christmas in Boston. So if you happen to super love Christmas, maybe Boston just isn't right for you.

7. Clam chowder.
Abhorrent. Cream mixed with mollusk entrails. I just imagine myself sitting alone at a fancy dinner looking awkward while I stuff my face with oyster crackers, the only edible thing in sight. Not a good look, even on me.

8. Public executions of sea turtles.
That's right. You know how Bostonians are always heading to the Cape? It's to murder sear turtles! In public. And it is every bit as barbaric as it sounds.

9. Taylor Swift sold her house in Hyannis Port.
Somewhat related to reason 5, but stay with me. You know how after a breakup you avoid your ex like yellow fever (which was introduced to America via Boston circa 1693)? You move, dye your hair, get minor plastic surgery, and cut ties with all old friends to avoid ever seeing that person again. What if Taylor is doing that with Massachusetts? Something to consider.

10. Ted
That movie premise just freaks me out. I do not appreciate the teddy bear, which draws innocent children in before cursing or doing something crude. It's in poor taste. Thanks Boston. Thanks Marky Mark.

11. No vegetarian options.
I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. Boston doesn't offer vegetarian food at all. They put bacon in all their mac and cheese. The secret ingredient in Boston creme pie? Gizzards.

12. Clark Gregg is from Boston.
His first name is a last name and his last name is a first name. But more importantly, he was in The New Adventures of Old Christine, which was one of my favorite shows. Until it was cancelled. After 5 short seasons. And my life was pitched into turmoil in its absence. Is he the sole reason the show was cancelled? No. I just feel like he could have done more.

13. Zoom was cancelled.
Before P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney, there was Box 350 Boston, Mass., 02134. I wanted to be a cast member of Zoom so bad, but Boston went and cancelled it. Presumably at the same type of town council meeting where they all voted in favor of Mark Wahlberg's Bob Marley tattoo.

14. The Boston Tea Party
Tea has never been my cup of tea, but even I find dumping barrels of it into the harbor to be a little frivolous. There are better ways to send a message to the British than the equivalent of a passive-aggressive post-it note. I learned the hard way, people in England really can't see what we're doing over here on America's East coast. Take my word for it.

15. Expensive
Boston is not that affordable. It's as if whoever is setting the prices hasn't read this blog post. Of course they probably haven't, but I don't think that's any excuse. You've seen all these reasons why Boston is utterly repulsive. Yet their hotels and restaurants still charge ridiculous prices like it's Chapel Hill or Raleigh or something. Incorrigible.


*It's mildly important that no one attempts to research these facts. Just trust me and let the system work.