Today I am finally blogging about the single most requested topic for White Girl Wednesday...my mother. Here are some other names you might know her by: Missy, tha illest, madre, Missy "Misdemeanor" or GOAT.
Is it a little insulting that I am constantly mentioning how often my mother slays me and yet you people are constantly asking for more? In a word...yes. Very. But since I rely on readers and ad clicks (HINT) for revenue, I might as well give the people what they want.
Missy-isms
Things only a mother, and more specifically, my mother, would say.
When Missy had priorities.
S.O.E.
Sunkist over everything.
When Missy didn't care if I lived or died.
Missy: "Grandma wants to know if you got home okay."
Me: "Just Grandma? You're not curious?"
When True Life My Parent is Obsessed With Me called Missy to audition.
Missy: "I saw #themissychronicles when I was reading your Twitter last night. Do you have to announce to your world everything I say?"
Me: "Only the funny stuff. Also, why are you so obsessed with me?"
When Missy was the world's proudest mother.
Me: "I made a 90 on my exam I thought I did really bad on. My best grade so far in that class."
Missy: "Wow. Or a big curve."
When Missy accepted her limitations.
Me: "Mom why didn't you name me Shakira?"
Missy: "Because I can't spell Shakira."
When Missy checked myself before I wrecked myself.
Me: "SPRING BREAK NO RULEZ!"
Missy: "Oh yes there are."
When Missy was hip to my jive.
Me: "Can't talk on a date."
Missy: "Eating dinner with Brendan or Jean-Luc doesn't count."
Me: "Ya got me."
When Missy still thought FTK was the name of the organization that was/is my entire life.
Me: *Sends my mom a picture of total reveal
Missy: "Cool. Have you caught up on schoolwork?"
Me: "Sorry I was busy raising $570, 561.48 for the kids. Let me live pls."
Missy: "Nope. If I don't get to neither do you."
When Missy shut me down.
Me: "Mom I got a 100 on a test!"
Missy: "I hope it was a senior class, at least academic."
Me: "It was my lift training test so I can operate machinery at the marathon."
Missy: "Oh."
Me: "Still counts."
Missy: "Nah."
When Missy needed to recognize.
Missy: "What are you doing other than texting me?"
Me: "Nothing. I am doing absolutely nothing with my life other than sitting by my phone and waiting for your texts."
Missy: "Go on a date. Go out."
Me: "LET ME JUST HOP IN MY DATE-MOBILE AND HEAD ON OVER TO DATE-VILLE AND GRAB A DATE FROM THE DATE FACTORY."
Missy-vice
My mom trying to tell me what to do in the form of "helpful" hints.
When Missy was overconfident in me.
Missy: "Play hard to get."
Me: "I can't, I'm already hard to want."
When Missy was living in the 20th century.
Missy: "Guys don't like it when you're smarter than them and you have to let them win."
Me: "..."
When Missy SLAYED.
Missy: "Rachel the Oxford comma is proper grammar."
Me: "One of us has a journalism degree and one of us doesn't."
Missy: "One of us paid for the other's journalism degree."
When Missy scared me (and my dad) a little.
Missy: "When it comes to car shopping and boy shopping, always keep your options open and nothing is a done deal."
When Missy was again overestimating my appeal.
Missy: "You seem pretty close with that guy in your facebook pictures."
Me: "Mom stahp we're just friends."
Missy: "Okay I'm just saying keep your chicken pie recipe on hand and your options open."
Me: "Mom I promise you I don't have 'options'".
Missy-chic
Those outfits that make Missy...Missy.
When Missy was dressing for the job she wants, not the job she has.
Brown and black plaid skirt, brown shirt, tall black boots.
Me: "Are you an extra in a Charles Dickens period piece?"
When Missy learned why she has prescription glasses.
Blue jeans, black shirt, navy shoes.*
Me: "What is Alicia Silverstone like in person?"
Missy: "Who?"
Me: "You obviously starred with her in Clueless since you're mixing your neutrals."
*To be fair, this outfit is the result of her not wearing glasses, Missy doesn't endorse blavy.
When Missy hated every piece of clothing I owned.
Missy on my aesthetic-
Missy: "There are colors other than black."
Missy: "Every shirt you own is a tent."
When Missy was a bad influence.
Missy: "That would be cute if it was tighter."
Me: "Are mothers even allowed to say that?"
Missy-stakes
We all have flaws, even Missy.
When Missy SO didn't get it.
Me: "Mom I want an iPhone."
Missy: "You always say you're so busy, when will you find time to go to the App Store?"
When Missy still thinks it's a "pound sign".
Me: "My password is #spurs...."
Missy: "Hang on...h-a-s."
Me: "Mom no. Please google hashtag immediately."
Missy: "I google you sometimes."
When Missy didn't realize I would one day buy her Selfish by Kim K just so she could get with it.
Me: "Mom smile."
Missy: "Don't take a selfie of me!"
When Missy and everyone else in my family forgot Colby existed. Our bad.
Missy: "Does anyone know where Colby is?"*
*Colby is my youngest brother. We've only accidentally left him at church a couple of times.
When Missy tried and failed.
Me: "Mom get a snapchat."
Missy: "What is that?
Me: "It's like texting but just pictures."
Missy: "I sent my sister a picture today, were we snapchatting?"
Missy-after she reads this post
Missy: "So you need me to get page views. Obviously I'm the funny one, not you. You're welcome. Also take that down immediately."
She has a point, sometimes moms say the darnedest things. But I think we all know who spins the straw into gold.
Missy is absolutely fabulous!
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