Raetractions

As 2015 comes to a close, I think I need to issue some retractions (or raetractions, if you will), to clear up a few things before the new year. I'm clarifying some opinions I have held in the past because they no longer accurately portray how I feel and how can any of us enter 2016 without fully understanding my thoughts on a variety of complex and trivial issues?

Mangagement Rings
I used to think that it was really dumb for a man to wear an engagement ring, but I've recently come around to the idea of mangagement rings. One of the first things I look at when I see a guy is his ring finger. I need to know his marital status so I can fully assess the situation. It's like a fun game, except how can I win the game when I don't even know who the players are? In fact, I want to enter a rookie league where all players have to wear jerseys that spell out the relationship status explicitly i.e. "proposing next week" or "doesn't believe in marriage" or "still in love with my ex".

"See you next year!" 
You know how for pretty much the entire month of December people will say "see you next year!" and laugh as if it's original and hilarious? Yeah, I hate that. I still hate it, I just also do it myself. Which makes me hate myself, it's a vicious cycle. It just makes things dramatic so I try to use it in my favor. For instance, last night I realized that my checkbook only had a single check left. I tried to convince my father to let me use his checkbook since it would be next year before I got new checks. Didn't work.

Bandwagon Fans
I've always been an NC State fan, so I've never really had to deal with tons of posers pulling for my team because we're winning. But now that the Panthers are dominating the NFL, some of my fellow Panthers fans are getting frustrated with bandwagon fans. In middle school I used to claim bandwagoners were the worst even though, let's be real, there is no such thing as a bandwagon NC State fan. But with "bandwagon" Panthers fans, the more the merrier! I'm happy to have so many people interested in rooting for my team. And let me tell you, Cam Newton is a class act. He shows more grace after a loss than I would after a win. #GoPanthers #KeepPounding

"You couldn't pay me to ________."
This is a phrase that I say a lot to add shock value. My entire lexicon is nothing if not Kardashian quotes and hyperboles. I exaggerate a lot because it drives my mother crazy and I like for everyone to experience the depth of my emotions. I once asked a waitress for Dr. Pepper and when she told me they only had diet Dr. Pepper, I told her that made me want to die. Similarly, I will frequently claim that no amount of money would convince me to do something, a la "you couldn't pay me to live in Boston" or "you couldn't pay me to use a Droid". But I've reached the conclusion that this is simply not true, you actually could pay me to do a lot of things. I'd been known to say "you couldn't pay me to have a private Instagram account" and yet here I am with a private account because of my job. The irony does not escape me, the followers and likes do.

Weddings
I used to want a very traditional wedding with the big, strapless dress, dancing, partying till dawn and all that jazz (not actual jazz music, that makes me want to die). Then I wanted a 4th of July wedding. Now I think I've (reluctantly) come to terms with the fact that I might not get married on the 4th of July. So now, I want the least traditional wedding possible and I haven't completely ruled out Harry Potter-themed nuptials. First of all, ya girl needs sleeves. Tulle and lace are out, sleeves are in. No flowers. 2 minute ceremony. Nothing that you would see on Pinterest. I told my mom I want a black wedding dress. She said no.

Nonfiction
I used to only have eyes for young adult novels. Fiction was the love of my life and I was 0% interested in cheating on my main genre. But in recent years I have discovered that nonfiction includes more than Civil War history and _______ for Dummies. Between Mindy Kaling, Ann Coulter, Stephen Colbert and my personal favorite, David Sedaris, nonfiction and I are embarking on a beautiful friendship. Okay maybe Sedaris is my second favorite nonfiction author after myself, confidence is key.