State of My Union

Today everyone was talking about 2 things (at least to my face, behind my back it might have been 3 things), the $1.5 billion Powerball drawing and President Obama's last State of the Union address. I was born in the United States of America so I already won the lottery, which brings me to the State of the Union.

First of all...Joe Biden was wearing a red & white striped tie. Did anyone else find that odd? I didn't think that was allowed. Maybe Biden and Paul Ryan wanted to coordinate outfits for their role as Obama's backup dancers? That's the only reason I can think of for a Democrat to wear red to a political event. It's an unspoken rule that is actually frequently spoken.

Secondly, while I was watching a video of the SOTU today since I was super busy with other social commitments last night (watching Law & Order:SVU & eating cookie dough), I saw something that troubled me to my very core...a commercial for breakfast Bagel Bites. Mr. President, when is enough enough? I beg of you, make the senseless proliferation of new breakfast foods stop. We have cereal, we have Pop-Tarts, we have eggs and we have bacon. We're covered. Please divert whatever funds went into developing breakfast Bagel Bites and instead use that money to invent something that will actually make the world a better place, like a robot arm that will turn the pages of my books for me while I do my nails.

So I've taken some time to prepare my own State of the Union address that looks back on the 1st 7 years of my presidency.


Guest List
Luther, Obama's anger translator. Because obviously.
My mom. Because I feel like this is the kind of thing that your parents get mad about if they're not invited.
Stacey Dash. Because us Republicans in Hollywood have to stick together.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Because I REALLY want to meet her and I'm the president, if I invite her she has to come, right?
Uncle Jeff. Because years ago he called dibs on a cabinet position if I'm ever elected. Interestingly enough, my family is the main reason that I will NEVER be elected to public office.
Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix. Because Avada KeBABEra.


Now without further ado, here is the first rough draft of my final State of the Union address.

"Ladies, gentlemen and members of the press, thank you for being here today. Tonight, I reflect on my time in Washington. Since I took office America has hit a lot of milestones. There have been countless changes that have left this country, nay, this planet, better than it was 7 years ago. We've seen Chipotle stop charging extra for guac. That was due to them almost going bankrupt after giving us all E. coli but it's still a win. We've developed a cure for bug bites. We've seen not 1 but 2 Spice Girls reunion tours. And we've seen Justin Timberlake retire from the music industry to become a regular cast member on Saturday Night Live.

[Pause for applause.]

Not to mention the ongoing battles America is winning. We're leading the world in the quest to domesticate raccoons. We're winning the race to Wyoming. There's really nothing there, this is just a genius tourist trap on our part. And we're currently 1st in the world in Super Bowl wins. What a time to be alive!

[Pause for applause.]

But we still have work to do. We have got to fight to restore Pluto to its full planetary status. We have to destroy our enemies. You know who I'm talking about. We need to harshly prosecute the individuals responsible for discarding full-priced items in the sale section. These individuals are the biggest threat to the America we all know and love, so let's bring them to justice!

[Pause for applause.]

And what about the cost of...[dramatic pause]...shipping and handling? For every teenage girl who is online shopping in class and realizes that after shipping and handling is applied, she can't afford to buy her 3rd pair of Uggs, we have got to lower the costs of delivery!

[Pause for largest applause of the night.]

Thank you.
God bless you, God bless Ke$ha, God bless Israel and God bless America!"