Child Bride Wars

If you've ever read this blog in the history of ever, you understand how passionate I am about someone, literally anyone, filming a sequel to Bride Wars. The excellent rom-com sets up perfectly for a sequel when Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson learn that they are both expecting and share the same due date. Bump, set and 7 years later I'm still waiting for the spike.

The obvious choice is Baby Wars, a cute chick flick about 2 young moms. Anne and Kate star as best friends who use their infants as pawns in a Cold War-esque mother of the year competition. There's no actual competition, but both mothers languish in unspoken maternal tension as they push their babies to be first to sit up, to crawl, to stand, to talk, to walk. It will all culminate in a big pre-preschool interview blowout where each tries to sabotage the other.

But as one of my roommates pointed out, by the time the movie is actually filmed and produced, it will have been ages since the original, making it much more plausible that someone produce Child Wars, a film starring Kate and Anne as young-ish mothers to 6 year olds. Both girls are taking dance class and when one lands the lead role in Swan Lake, some Dance Moms-style cat fights end up taking center stage.

That suggestion led me to cook up what I think will be a real cinematic hit: Child Bride Wars. Stay with me here. Anne and Kate are mothers and still BFFs. One night, while online shopping together via phone in their respective houses, they accept the terms & conditions without actually reading them. As you can tell, it's very real-life drama. It turns out that in their hurry and determination to score free shipping, they accidentally signed over the rights to their daughters to a popular dating website that has been accused of arranging the marriages of minors! And hilarity ensues. I know that Child Bride Wars doesn't sound like a hot summer comedy but don't judge a movie by its plot line, title and entire message. This will score major laughs, picture it...

Anne and Kate reacting to the news that they basically exchanged their daughters for clothes that were marked up 1000% above production cost.
"Those shirts were 30% polyester and the faulty beadwork combined with 6-inch heels could have easily resulted in a snapped ankle. And you stole our daughters. We're pretty mad about that too."

Anne and Kate teaching their daughters self defense and plotting an escape plan.
 "Girls, this self defense video will teach you everything you need to know to protect yourselves."
*They watch Mr. Miyagi's wax on wax off lesson on Youtube.
 "Let's synchronize the Dior timepieces that started this whole mess."

*Kung Fu Fighting plays in the background

Anne and Kate creating new identities with the girls on some remote island that no one can pronounce and paying homage to Practical Magic.
"I know this isn't ideal and we are super sorry that we accidentally exchanged your freedom for pieces from Saint Laurent's 2011 fall line but I think we can all agree that Hedi Slimane is a genius and the good news is FedEx ships here too!"

Bam! Setting up for another sequel. I'll keep my ringer on, Hollywood.