Cats, Cucumbers & Conspiracy Theories

Cats vs. Cucumbers

If you have not yet seen the Youtube sensation that is Cats vs. Cucumbers I'm gonna ask you to amend that right now. Apparently the issue at play here is that to cats, cucumbers look like snakes. This startles the cats and they fah-reeeek out! It's great. These cats jump like 3 feet in the air. And we're supposed to believe it's all because cucumbers look like snakes? I don't buy that. There are several inanimate objects that more closely resemble snakes than cucumbers. Paper towel rolls. Water bottles. Sticks. Have you seen a Cats vs. Sticks video? Nope. There's something evil about cucumbers that humans don't have the intellectual acumen to gauge. Mark my words.

Celtic Territories

I'm not entirely convinced that Scotland and Ireland are two separate entities. That's really all there is to this theory, I have no facts or evidence just deep-seated suspicion.

Cilantro 

Apparently, certain ethnicities taste soap when they eat cilantro. I have done some research and all I can glean is that a taste or distaste for cilantro is genetic. No one will tell me which ethnicities think it tastes like soap. So my question is...what is the government not telling us? What's in cilantro that some of us can't discern? Is it helping or hurting those who like it? Was it ever featured in a Bradley Cooper movie that later became a television series? 

Cougars

Or mountain lions or pumas or panthers or catamounts or whatever. Pick a name. Why do we have so many names for what authorities want us to believe is the "same animal"? I don't buy it. The last time we let the powers that be give the same exact species 2 different names, one name got an entire holiday while all the other got was a stupid tongue twister that could really work with both names. How much ground could a groudhog hog if a groundhog could hog ground?

Canadian Bacon

People always hate on hotdogs as being the most questionable member of the meat family, but what even is Canadian bacon? Is it actually bacon? Is it actually Canadian? How do we know? Does it want to be a Mountie when it grows up? Does it carry maple syrup in its purse? I did some research and discovered that everyone else calls it back bacon so just like the metric system, the rest of the world is doing it wrong. I can only hope we started calling it Canadian bacon as some sort of sick burn. Perhaps something like "Canadians! We only ever see your backs because you turn away from our pronunciations and summer clothes. Back ache? More like Canadian ache! Back porch? You mean Canadian porch! Back bacon? Oh, Canadian bacon!". 

Cars

Cars hate me. I have had so many car issues in 6 short years of driving, it's an inexplicable phenomenon. It really can't be user error. So what gives? Now I do, admittedly, make the occasional error while operating a vehicle. I have been known to turn left on red once or thrice. I have backed into several things (a light pole, a garage door, my cousin's parked car). And changing lanes is still not my strong suit. But does that explain the phantom scratches and dents in my car? Actually, yeah probably. Case closed!