Election 2016

It is officially election season and I could not be more pumped slash terrified. On Monday, Iowa's caucus kicked off the 2016 election. From what I understand, caucuses are a mix between a square dance and a game of 4 corners with a little bit of voting. I have a political science degree and writing that sentence is the first time I have used it so yay me! Anyways, now we're hearing a lot of rhetoric about how it all starts in Iowa. Iowa is the first state to choose their candidate. I want us all to pause and be thankful that elections don't officially begin in a place like Alabama or North Dakota. Imagine if North Dakotans were allowed to set the tone for the mechanism through which the leader of the free world is decided.They're practically Canadias don'tcha know?

In one of the GOP debates, the 5,000 candidates were each asked what they would want their secret service code name to be. I found all of their suggestions severely lacking so I created my own.


GOP
Jeb Bush
"Adopted"
At this point is Dubya himself even voting for Jeb? Sorry, Jeb!. Politically speaking, he is more liberal than the rest of his family so I suspect he's not a true Bush. More of a shrub. 

Ben Carson
"Dr. Rogers"
I definitely get a Mr. Rogers vibe from Dr. Carson. 

Ted Cruz
"Aardvark" 
He just looks like an aardvark. It's not an insult and it's certainly not a compliment.

Chris Christie
"Jerseylicious"
 Because all Christie ever does is redirect us to New Jersey as if we're all thinking "What a beacon of hope! Chris Christie made New Jersey the crown jewel of America. He should be president!" and because Jerseylicious was a wonderful trashy reality TV show on Style network. 

Carly Fiorina
"Bob"
We obviously can't give her a female name, even France could crack that code. So I vote Bob, to pay homage to her fierce haircut. I don't have 2 hairs on my head that are the same length and she never has a strand out of place. YGG. 

John Kasich
"Who?"
Let's be real, you involuntarily think "who?" every time you hear this man's name. So we make it easy on the secret service. And is it just me, or does he always look sleepy? 

Rand Paul
"Ramen Noodle"
That hair makes Justin Timberlake circa 1998 jealous.

Marco Rubio
"Polo"
Because just imagine the hilarity that would ensue whenever the agents were getting used to a new president and accidentally called him by his real name. "Marco. I mean Polo. Sorry." 

Donald Trump
"Duck"
 Because I have a feeling we will be doing a lot of ducking and covering if Donald Duck Trump is elected. 

DEM
Hillary Clinton
"POTUS@gmail.gov"
 She obviously needs some help remembering to use her work email for work things and her personal email for pictures of her adorable granddaughter. This will serve as a constant reminder. 

Bernie Sanders
"The Vermonster"
Because he's a Vermont senator and he just seems like exactly the type of grandpa who would take his grandkids for a Ben & Jerry's Vermonster after school on a Tuesday for no reason at all.