Millennial Oscars

Do any of us even know what having an Academy Award for Best Sound Mixing even means? I imagine it's similar to having a degree in Post-Colonial Molecular Infranology. It sounds impressive and you should definitely put it on your resume, but no one actually knows what it means because I just made it up.

I think it's time we have some awards that we can not only understand, but defend to the death. Short of Tom Hardy himself asking me to go to the movies with him and that movie being Mad Max: Fury Road, there is nothing that could make me want to see that movie. But the Millennial Oscars, I'm personally invested in those. So stay tuned in 2017 for the world's first Millennial Oscars, hosted by someone who is probably 12 and not even famous yet.

Best Actor in a Mass Snap
This will go to your dramatic friend who always has snapable moments. Whether they're saying something funny (me) or doing something ridiculous (not me), we celebrate them.

Best Halloween Costume Design
Handmade Halloween costumes are all the rage right now (I tell myself after 3 years and 28 hours spent crafting Kim K, Bellatrix and Angel of Death looks). This award will go to the best original, hand-crafted look and will be presented by Heidi Klum of course in one of her signature costumes. 

Best Makeup (Contour)
We all have that friend of a friend of a friend who we don't actually know but follow on Instagram because they are amazing at contouring. No? Just me? Well. This award goes to the millennial whose contour is always on fleek. 

Best Makeup (Drugstore)
For the recessionistas out there who know how to find high quality for low prices. We have to celebrate the individuals who can put their face (jail) on with materials found at your local CVS or Walgreens.

Best Shameless Self Promotion
For our friends using their personal Instagram for their business/rap career/crafts. Bonus points if they have created their own hashtag and are the only known individual to ever use it.

Best Color Editing in a Snapchat (Photo)

We all have those friends who produce super creative and intricate snapchat pictures using colors I have never figured out how to access. Their dedication should be rewarded.
(Use of a stylus is akin to using performance enhancing drugs.)

Best Color Editing in a Snapchat (Video)

Very tough, you have to work with a moving image. A lot of millennials shy away from this challenge but when done correctly, the results can be breathtaking and meme-making.

Best Actress Fan Page
For the devoted fan who maintains the best fan page for an actress. Major points awarded for breaking any personal news before People.com or Buzzfeed.

Best Dogumentary

For your friend who has an Instagram account belonging to their pet. This pet likely has more followers than you.

Best Original Instagram Caption

Basically anytime a girl posts a selfie with a Marilyn Monroe quote that was actually said by Marilyn Monroe. Or anytime someone consistently posts original captions that make sense with the picture. Not selfies with song lyrics. Not landscapes with emojis.

Best Foreign Language Tattoo

This award will go to any tattoo that actually says what the owner thinks it says.    

Best Selfie Lighting

I think we can all agree this is a delicate art form. Kim Kardashian will present this award and judges will meticulously inspect every image to ensure no filters were used. 

Best Supporting Actress in a Viral Tweet

When you have a hilarious tweet that gets a ton of attention, this award goes to the person @ed in that tweet.  

Best Actor in a Facebook Debate

For when that kid you went to high school with who is super conservative pretends to be a liberal to incite an intense Facebook debate. Or vice versa.  

Best Picture of a Meal

The angles, the shadows, the positioning. Not to mention the whole waiting to eat it thing. I have a lot of friends who could make some good money in art direction for fast food companies.  

Best Cinematography in a Vine
To go viral, you have to pack a lot of story into 6 tiny seconds. There is definite talent involved. Let's give these artists the recognition they so richly deserve.