I know white girls are supposed to be obsessed with fall but my favorite season has always been election season. The polls, the commentary, the memes, the ruthless ad hominem attacks. Election season is like a reality show full of white men all wearing the same thing. If you don't believe me just Google image search John Boehner and tell me he doesn't get his spray tans done at the Jersey Shore.
Side Note: How hilarious would it be to do a Snapchat filter-style mouth swap on Nancy Grace and Greta Van Susteren? Just imagine Nancy with a tiny Greta mouth, barely parting her lips to apologize for browbeating her guests/victims. It might prove too difficult to imagine Nancy Grace apologizing so instead try picturing Greta with Nancy's rather large mouth praying to L. Ron Hubbard.
Unfortunately, a lot of you can't imagine any of that because you don't know who Nancy Grace is and you've never been invited to Tom Cruise's mansion. Most Americans don't care about politics (or scientology). That doesn't make me happy, it's just a fact. Like "for every human there are 1.6 millions ants" or "I used to own a Pokemon bucket hat". I'm not thrilled about it but it is what it is.
This week we missed an amazing opportunity to get Americans to care about politics. Monday, 3/14, was Pi Day. (I sang "It's Pi Day, Pi Day, gotta get down on Pi Day" for hours). Tuesday, 3/15, was a big primary day, especially here in North Carolina. And you know what that means. Piemary! For those of you who don't watch Parks & Rec, shame on you! In season 7, the Indiana congressional candidates participate in a Piemary, a contest where their wives bake pies. It's totally sexist and gross, but people cared about it. So quick recap. What do most Americans not care about? Politics. What do most Americans definitely care about? Pies. Do you see where I'm going yet?
We up the voter turnout by assigning every candidate a pie! It sounds crazy, but is it CRAZY crazy or just crazy enough...to work? All of a sudden you're not voting for woman-with-a-bob-number-3 or man-with-a-blue-tie-number-8 but for coconut or rhubarb. Let the games begin.
Hillary Clinton - Key Lime Pie
Yeah, she's a little bitter. So it takes a refined political palate to appreciate the unique, tart flavor crafted over years by a dedicated team. Plenty of people claim to like key lime pie just fine but when they head to the voting booth they reach for a safer choice like chocolate or apple.
Note to self...work on getting pies in voting booths.
Ted Cruz - Spanakopita
Also known as Greek spinach pie. Is it anyone's first choice? No. Does it hurt to look at? A little. But if your other choices are mold pie and worn leather pie, good ole spinach pie ain't lookin so bad anymore.
Bernie Sanders - Oreo Pie
So he mainly appeals to children but a lot of those children are old enough to vote. And there were plenty of (young) adults reaching for a large slice of oreo pie yesterday. Possible conspiracy theory: Elaine Benes loves the Orioles which sounds like oreos and we all know Bernie Sanders and Larry David are the same person. Someone research this.
Donald Trump - New York Chocolate Truffle Pie
Some people crave rich desserts while others find the richness too much, just like Trump is a guy you either love or hate. He could perhaps mitigate the full flavor with a whipped cream VP. And now that I mentioned it...Chris Christie does closely resemble a dollop of reddi-wip, a national treasure with a spelling system all Americans can get behind.
Cast your ballots on Tuesday, November 8, 2016. By that time, Americans will be in the mood for pumpkin pie so the real question is, who will change their recipe first?
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