Only in America

We're quickly approaching my favorite holiday. In a few short days America will celebrate the 240th anniversary of the greatest breakup of all time. I'm talking bigger than Blake and Miranda but less tears than Brad and Jen. The 4th of July is my Christmas. And by that I mean that it is my favorite day of the year, something I plan for months in advance and you should all buy me presents.

To celebrate, White Girl Wednesday is ruminating on some of the amazing things that make this country the best in the world. So here is our list of phenomena that could only happen in America.


Camouflage
Camouflage shirts for civilians. Camouflage prom dresses. Camouflage themed weddings. We wear camo almost as much as we wear the American flag which is apparently weird for foreigners? I get it. If I wasn't from America I wouldn't want to advertise that by wearing another country's flag. I try to wear red, white and blue as often as possible because these colors don't run and neither do I. Truth in advertising and what not.

Being 1st in an Alphabetical List Even Though We Start With a "U" 
Having to scroll to the bottom would just take so much time. Time we could better spend adding bacon to more recipes or grooming our mustaches or making Instagram accounts for our pets.

Sweet and/or Iced Tea
You don't like your tea with sugar in it? How about with a little Boston Harbor water in it? Do you like that? And don't get me started on the idea of having warm tea every single day. This is America we don't have tea time we have happy hour.

Homeowners Associations
In no other country would people pay money to be told what to do with their land and house. At least I think that's how it works, I didn't really feel like researching it. I guess technically the European Union is like the largest HOA in the world but look how that's going. #Brexit

Whatever the Opposite of the Metric System is Called 
We have no use for your British numbers here! Foreigners are always telling me that America is the only country that hasn't adopted the metric system. Tell that to Liberia and Myanmar*. That's right! Two of our fiercest allies** also use the American system or whatever it's called.

*I suppose I should have actually titled this post Only in America and Occasionally Also Liberia and Myanmar.
**Not sure if they are actually our allies or not. Again, research, yuck.

The Krispy Kreme Burger
Sure it looks gross and it's ridiculously gluttonous and unnecessarily rich but it's ours. Italy has pasta. China has General Tso's chicken. France has all sorts of weird stuff. We might not have much in the way of national cuisine but we do have red hotdogs filled with unmentionables, apple pies and the diabetus burger.

Ice
Yeah ice isn't really a thing in other parts of the world. That hurts my heart. I love ice. I put it in my cereal. It's delicious. Keeps every bite cold. We've even welcomed a company promising to make our ice immortal. We buy Yeti coolers and cups and koozies so we can use the same ice cubes for months. It's insane and delightfully contradictory to the wasteful nature for which we are known.

Spray Cheese & Spray Whipped Cream & Spray Icing
I'm honestly surprised we haven't shoved sandwiches and peanut butter into cans yet. Actually spray peanut butter exists but it's only for dogs. Which is also strangely American.

An Inverse BMI & Net Worth Correlation
Everywhere else in the world the poor people would be the skinny ones. Here you have to have money to be skinny. Salads cost a lot more than McChickens and that sucks. But you know what sucks more? Actually eating a salad.

Cookout Trays
In what other country could you choose meat as a side? Chicken nuggets. Corn dogs. Bacon wraps. Beef quesadillas. If that's not aggressively American, I don't know what is.

Buying in Bulk
A reasonable pricing scheme would involve something along the lines of 1 for $1, 3 for $3, 12 for $12. In America many goods are sold 1 for $1, 3 for $2 or 12 for $3. Pricing rewards the frivolous and greedy consumption of so much more than we actually need. It's both appalling and wonderful.

One-Stop Shopping
Do you know how frustrated I get when I have to go to the grocery store? Imagine me in Europe, going to one store for shoes and another for sunglasses. Heading to a bakery for bread and then the butcher's for meat and then a local market for produce. Buying ingredients for one meal could take all day at 11 different stores that they probably walk to like cavemen. It's no wonder everyone is so skinny over there. In America I buy my clothes where I buy my toilet paper and my Shake'N Bake and my feathers in assorted colors. Walmart.

Black Friday
It just breaks my heart thinking that people in other countries aren't privy to the deals, steals, lines and mass chaos of Black Friday. The anticipation of the holiday season, never knowing what will be on sale or how early sales will start. Actually, by 2020 we might be starting Black Friday on the 4th of July and this post would really come full circle.


In conclusion, "I already won the lottery. I was born in the U-S of A baby." -Creed Bratton.