Editor's Note: Is that why white girls love fall so much? Because it's the end of wedding season? That's probably just wishful thinking on my part. You all know my favorite season is election season and then basketball season.
Wedding Dates
If you follow the blog (you rock!) then you know I have struggled with the concept of a wedding date for years only to emerge from battle utterly defeated. I would say that I've lost several good men on the battlefield but I never had men to begin with which probably explains that whole "me losing the war" thing. But I still managed to get some solid applicants to be my date to a wedding so I recommend Google forms for finding a wedding date. It's the new Craigslist.
Wedding Advice
You know how some weddings give you the option to leave the couple some advice? I've never understood that. I mean I guess if you're in your 30s and all your friends have been married for decades it makes sense. But I wouldn't want any marriage advice from most of my friends. You know why? Because my friends are insane! I love them dearly but I wouldn't give them any marriage advice either because what do I know about marriage or anything really. So I stick to parenting advice. Parenting is a subject I think I can speak on based on my years spent being mistaken for my youngest brother's mother. (Definitely doesn't count. Never take parenting advice from someone who isn't a parent. But here you are taking advice from me so I guess you're already pretty desperate in the advice department.) Here are my favorites:
- Vaccinate your children.
- Don't let your kid fall into a gorilla exhibit at the zoo.
- Spanking is caring. (at least that's what my parents told me)
- Please spell your child's name phonetically (or should I say fonetically?)
- Don't let your kids have social media accounts until they can use the correct their/there/they're.
Wedding Gifts
Something super thoughtful is always a great idea for when you want to go off-registry. I had friend who would be moving to a different country with her husband shortly after the wedding so my wedding gift was packing supplies & items you need on hand in a new house. Command hooks, extension cords, batteries, packing tape, Sharpies for labeling, power strips, brownie mix and the like. It was a big hit. Wedding gifts can also be a great way to send a subtle and loving and on second thought not very subtle message. Have friends who suck at keeping toilet paper stocked in their bathrooms? (This is a horrendous personality flaw that should be punishable by death at least.) Get them some Cottonelle*!
Wedding Outfits
DO NOT WEAR WHITE! (cough cough...Lupay)
Basically you want to look hot for any single guys in attendance without outshining the bride. So at my wedding...DON'T WEAR BLACK!
You want to know your audience here. Family wedding, maybe err on the side of conservative. Outdoor wedding, pick some sensible shoes. Late wedding, wear something you can dance in. Themed wedding, go all out! That's why they made their wedding a THEME WEDDING! If you don't do your part it just looks like two nerds in love with a borderline inappropriate Star Trek obsession.
Wedding Beauty
If you feel the need to get a tan for a summer wedding please get a spray tan. It's 2016 people. Skin cancer exists.
If you're thinking of wearing the wedding colors intentionally even though you're not in the wedding...don't. It's just sad.
Please don't wear cowboy boots to a wedding unless specifically told by the bride that the only way you're getting in is if you wear said cowboy boots. This is a wedding not a livestock-free rodeo. Actually, where I come from you really shouldn't assume there will be no livestock at the wedding. If you live north of the Mason-Dixon line I generally feel bad for you but count your blessings if you have never attended a wedding where the theme was camo.
If the ceremony or reception is outdoors, I recommend my signature summer scent, DEET. I am highly allergic to nature and when I get bit...I swell. And it's disgusting. So you want to launch a preemptive strike and drench yourself in bug-killing potentially harmful chemicals.
Wedding Toasts
I will give you some advice but you're never going to be as good as wedding toasts as I am. Sorry not sorry. My go-to is a simple and elegant poem.
Roses are red.
True love is rare.
Booty booty booty.
Rockin everywhere.
Wedding Song Requests
You want to stick to the classics here. I can't tell you how many times I have rushed the DJ to request some song I thought everyone loved but actually only I knew. Down With the Sickness by Disturbed, Taylor the Latte Boy by Kristin Chenoweth, I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace. Apparently these aren't "appropriate" sing-along songs for weddings. Who knew? At many a wedding I have requested what I thought was sure to be a hit, grabbed the mic to lead the audience in a rousing rendition of a classic and then ended up awkwardly singing Master of the House from Les Mis to a room full of people staring at me with a mix of horror and pity. And while I can think of worse ways to spend a Saturday night, trust me when I say you wanna play it safe with Rachel's Wedding Playlist.
- I Want You Back by The Jackson 5
- Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson & Bruno Mars
- Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison (I have brown eyes. Ask me to dance. What's the worst that could happen? On second thought, you don't wanna tug at that thread.)
- September by Earth, Wind & Fire
- Bust a Move by Young MC (or Glee cast version)
- Shake it Off by Taylor Swift (or literally any other T. Swift tune)
*NOT a paid promotion, believe it or not. Although Thomas J. Falk, if you're reading this, I will totally be a spokeswoman for Cottonelle.
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