Are You Afraid of the Dark?

The following is a record of the events of Saturday, October 8, 2016 as I remember them.
No cats were harmed in the making of this blog post.
But there were some close calls.


8:45 AM - I wake up to one of my alarms (I always set at least 3 alarms) and realize that as promised, it is raining heavily and has been all morning as evidenced by the standing brown water puddles speckling the parking lot.

8:55 AM - I decide that to be a responsible adult I must cancel my plans in Chapel Hill for the day. This is partially due to dangerous driving conditions, partially due to my terrible windshield wipers that I promised my mother I would get replaced back in March and partially due to the fact that I am not willing to go down as the idiot who died because she was driving 30 miles in a hurricane to get to her favorite donut shop.

9:09 AM - Both of my friends are surprisingly fine with me remaining in Raleigh for the day. One would think they would be heartbroken to miss a chance at seeing me. I try not to read too much into it. Storms make people crazy.

9:11 AM - I make my way into the living room after checking all the important apps from the comfort of my bed (Words With Friends & Buzzfeed). I begin a Gilmore Girls marathon that will unfortunately end far sooner than I'd hoped (foreshadowing).

9:30 AM - I work on one of my Halloween costumes, I'm making spooky bell sleeves for a Morticia Addams getup. It is slow going but I rest in the assurance that once complete, these sleeves will look completely mediocre and my students will probably make fun of me.

10:11 AM - I decide to eat breakfast like a functional adult and get over that real quick when about 3 bites in I decide the milk is bad. It wasn't past date but I'm really weird about these things. Actually I'm really weird about most things.

10:14 AM - I settle on a Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cup for breakfast. I have a complicated history with Butterfinger Cups. I avoided them like the plague for years. Only recently did I discover the magic of those crispy, buttery cups that are surprisingly finger-free.

10:16 AM - I have breakfast seconds. Luckily I have just bought a bag of 40 Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cups "for my students".

10:18 AM - I proceed watching Gilmore Girls and doing not much else. I hear from a few family members who have already lost power. I pity their souls.

11:34 PM - I finally throw away last year's Christmas candy.

12:17 PM - After some flickers, I decide to eat lunch now in case modern electricity fails me. I bake 2 bread sticks, eat some turkey, drink a Dr. Pepper. This is the life.

1:13 PM - Our adventure begins. After a morning of flickers and 2 false alarms, I deduce that the power is out for real and possibly forever.

1:15 PM - By this point I have envisioned the entire globe plunged into darkness, humanity reverts to the Stone Age or the Iron Age, whichever one has cuter outfits.

1:20 PM - I talk myself down, remain calm, do some dishes. Clean my room (kind of).

1:42 PM - Now in survival mode, I raise all the blinds to get some natural light in the apartment. I also open the door to our deck to let some cool air in. I've seen Naked and Afraid, I know how to get by with the bare minimum. I have only my phone, food, clothes, blankets, 2 laptops, an iPod, an iPad, a lantern, a flashlight, running water, furniture and shelter to use for survival. It's going to be a long day.

1:43 PM - I contemplate changing my name to MacGyver.

2:16 PM - No television. No phone charger. I'm wondering if this is what it's like at Guantanamo.

3:47 PM - I wake up briefly from a nap but decide it's in my best interest to try to go back to sleep, maybe ride this whole no power thing out. I dream of waking up in a well-lit apartment with the ceiling fan humming.

4:14 PM - I wake up for good and finish Jenny Mollen's second book. She's funnier than I wanted her to be given how pretty she is. Given the internet (and real life) stalking abilities she mentioned in her first book I have reason to believe she might read this. Jenny, if you're there, yes I would love to write a book and/or star on a podcast with you.

4:32 PM - I decide I better finish my sewing project from earlier.

4:44 PM - Sewing in the dark is hard. Ask my thumb.

5:31 PM - I wonder how my favorite waitress is doing. She lives in the area and I hope she's okay.

5:33 PM - I need to listen to something besides the sound of my own voice. This is the first time I've ever thought that so I know that the lack of Lauren Graham's voice in my apartment is really getting to me.

5:34 PM - I listen to an indie cover of a Bee Gees song. Solid choice.

6:58 PM - It's now or never. I need to have dinner. Not because I'm hungry but because after hours of darkness, I'm bored. Boredom is the source of 97% of my caloric intake. I open the fridge quickly and pull out turkey.

7:22 PM - I have now eaten half a pound of turkey by myself in less than 24 hours. Call me Beyonce cause I ain't sorry.

7:23 PM - I start to think I really ought to light some candles. Isn't that what they did in the olden days?

7:24 PM - I locate the fire extinguisher.

7:25 PM - I break down and light candles. I HATE lighting multiple candles and I especially HATE lighting candles in the same room as cats. I'm very paranoid and afraid that they will knock them over and I'll be one of those morons who manages to start a fire in a monsoon.

7:32 PM - The cats run across an end table that holds a candle. I move the candle to the highest possible altitude and inform the cats that if they start a fire I will grab the nearest books and promptly leave them to burn.

8:21 PM - I need to shave and wash my hair but I'm not looking forward to the cold water. I blow out all the candles in the living room because I don't trust the cats at all. I light a different assortment of candles in my bathroom. I call the scent pumpkin-eucalyptus-mahogany-ocean breeze. Yummy.

8:23 PM - Miracle of all miracles I still have hot water. I'm excited about the hot water but a little concerned that I definitely have no idea how science works because I've spent 7 hours thinking the power would affect my water temperature.

8:24 PM - I'm particularly thankful for Brendan and Chelsea for buying me an assortment of Bath & Body Works' finest over the years. What would I do without those two and Butterfingers?

8:25 PM - Due to the whole not electricity thing my bathroom is really dark and I can't read in there. I get super bored.

8:27 PM - I have a revelation. All day I've been thinking that if things get really bad I can watch YouTube videos on my laptop. It is not until precisely 8:27 PM that I realize my computer can't connect to the internet because the power is out. The power that controls the wifi. I'm an idiot.

9:00 PM -  I am SOOO glad I never saw Lights Out.

9:17 PM - I hear a curious beep and despite literal hours of hoping for that very beep I do not immediately recognize it as the power coming back on.

9:18 PM - Luckily the sound of everyone in my apartment complex cheering solves the mystery of the phantom beep for me. The power is back. Mankind is saved. And more importantly, I can watch Lin-Manuel Miranda on Saturday Night Live after all.

9:19 PM - Some guy outside yells "BENJAMIN FRANKLIN!"

Benjamin Franklin indeed.