I think it’s important that as you read this you know that my lips are currently bleeding because of a peel-off lip stain debacle. I noticed my lips were bleeding when my roommate, who was also trying out a new lip color, commented that hers tasted like cake. I noted that mine tasted metallic…and was dripping down my chin. While amusing, this is still not as funny as the time I ripped all the skin off my bottom lip while wrapping Christmas gifts with packing tape.
Anyways…on to the main event. I’ve mentioned my brothers a few times on this blog because interesting things rarely happen to me and some weeks they’re all I have to write about. So I wanted to introduce them more formally. If my family were a famous sitcom family (which we totally should be but we are also open to reality television) we would be the Hecks from ABC’s The Middle. I’m Sue, the girl who tries so hard but almost always fails. Patrick would be Axl, the popular slacker. And Colby would be Brick and deny it. This post is about my brothers and some of their better (family-friendly) lines. Forgive them, they’re not as funny as I am so I also had to include some zingers of my own. You’re welcome.
Colby*
Colby is my angel. I remain convinced that he is my child. Or possibly my clone. Jury’s still out after some witness tampering by my mother who for some reason insists that she is Colby’s real mother contrary to what I tell him every time she’s out of earshot. My favorite thing about Colby is that we have left this kid at church multiple times and he keeps coming back. He can’t take a hint but he can take a joke and he once took $100 from my dad’s wallet to buy Silly Bandz.
Me: “Guys, imagine how different our lives would be if Lin-Manuel Miranda hadn’t picked up Ron Chernow’s biography but had instead visited www.whitegirlwednesday.blogspot.com!”
Colby: “That would suck. Then we wouldn’t have Hamilton.”
Touche Colby.
Colby: “Jar Jar Binks is a Sith Lord.”
(That’s the whole joke.)
Colby: “What are feminists?”
Me: “Human beings.”
Me: “Human beings.”
Colby: “Is that it?”
Me: “They believe that men and women are equal.”
Colby: “Are you a feminist?”
Colby: “Are you a feminist?”
Me: “No.”
Colby: “Why not?”
Me: “Because women are far superior.”
Patrick*
Colby is my joy but Patrick gave me a Manu Ginobili jersey for my 22ndbirthday, thus winning the title of favorite brother. Sorry Colb, I know as a 12-year-old you don’t have a ton of earning potential to lavish fancy gifts on me but you gotta step your game up. My favorite thing about Patrick is cyberbullying him.
Me: “So I’m thinking there’s 3 possible reasons for why I’m still single. Show of hands for A. Face, B. Body or C. Personality.”
*Patrick didn’t raise his hand at all
Me: “Awww that’s so sweet, you love me!”
Patrick: “I was waiting for D. All of the above.”
Patrick: “I was waiting for D. All of the above.”
English Teacher: “Can anyone name a modern work that was inspired by Shakespeare?”
Patrick: “Gnomeo & Juliet!”
I include this because it’s probably my favorite thing that anyone has ever said.
At a fair while we were waiting in line for some archery game…
Patrick: “I’ve been binge-watching Arrow so I think I can win this.”
Me: “I’ve seen every episode of Grey’s Anatomy would you let me take your appendix out?”
Me: “I’ve seen every episode of Grey’s Anatomy would you let me take your appendix out?”
Patrick: “I think I know why no one wants to date you. You dress like a cast member of American Horror Story.”
Bonus Story: For Christmas my family makes a master list with everyone’s name and we all write what we want and then make copies. One year, my darling brother wrote diet pills under my name and then my family had an intervention and told me I wasn’t even THAT fat.
*Names have NOT been changed.
Sorry not sorry boys, from the womb to the tomb.
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