Twatching

Here's the thing. I have a decent amount of Instagram followers. I'm no Kardashian (until the DNA results are in) but I get by. I manage the customary 11 likes. But on Twitter I have way less followers and that makes zero sense to me. I am much more funny and witty than I am attractive. So I took it upon myself to use this blog to republish tweets that I feel did not receive the appropriate amount of attention.

TL; DR This week I've been super busy at church slash lazy so I'm recycling old content. Work smarter not harder. @redwhiteandrae

Where has Lou Bega been and when will we get Mambo No. 6?

I'm not afraid to ask the questions we're all thinking. Songs should have sequels too. I wouldn't release a song called Text Me Back Part 1: I Know the Message Sent and then never follow it up with a Text Me Back Part 2: Seriously, No One is THAT Busy.

Do you ever get a manicure and think "$12 to hold hands with a stranger for half an hour? TOTALLY worth it."?

Manicures are the worst. I love a good pedicure. I read my book. I text people on my phone. Actually I'm just playing spider solitaire but to the untrained eye it looks like I could be texting. You can't do that during a manicure. All you can do is stare at your nail tech and pretend you're not losing a lifelong battle with biting your cuticles. 

Horror movies are so unrealistic. There is literally no part of me that is willing to run for survival. 

It is mildly concerning how quickly I would resign to death in any life-threatening situation. I'm really not about to attempt to hide, thinking of a good hiding place gives me more anxiety than getting stabbed to death would. And any sort of chase situation? Nope.

Free food is dangerous because no matter how often I'm not hungry, I'm never not poor. 
This is such a struggle. There are so many times that free food is presented to me and I think to myself "I'm not even hungry so better not" but then I remember that I don't get paid for 3 more weeks and just spent over $100 at Target buying accent pillows so I'm really not in a position to decline any handouts.

I keep hearing about how Bradley Cooper is a father now and yet, I don't even remember giving birth. 

Weird right? Fake news is out of control these days but Bradley and I are happy and hope that you will respect our privacy during this exciting time.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how dramatic are you?

Me: "3 million"

I'm dramatic. But I'm like a fun dramatic. I'll give you an example. One time I asked for Dr. Pepper at a restaurant and the waitress told me they only had Diet Dr. Pepper and I told her that made me want to die.

Future me: "Babe, remember this weekend we have our engagement selfies."

Fiancé: "You mean engagement pictures?"

Me: "..."

Here's the thing...thanks to Snapchat I no longer like most pictures of myself that aren't trying to make me appear to be part cartoon animal. So I'm thinking engagement selfies unless someone buys me Photoshop. 

Life is full of ups and downs. 

Up-Netflix has so many documentaries. 

Down-Most of them are British. 

Gosh this is the worst. I hate finding a crime or nature documentary that looks perfect, settling onto the couch with a snack, and hearing a British accent telling me how many meters and kilograms a suspect or caribou is. Those British numbers mean literally nothing to me. 

Sometimes I space out & people think I'm ignoring them but I'm really just thinking about how good the Mamma Mia! soundtrack is. 
I'm not sorry. It's flawless. And nothing you have to say could possibly be more important than the dance number that accompanies Voulez-Vous in stage productions or the lyric "without a song or a dance what are we?" so forgive me if I lose focus while listening to your recount of a weekend trip to Harris Teeter.

I only had one Mary-Kate and Ashley movie growing up. I'm pretty sure I could win an emancipation suit on that fact alone. 
As soon as my brothers were born my parents forgot they also had a girl. All the money that had previously been budgeted for princess flicks and BIC for her pens was reallocated to action movies and Nerf guns. And my Mary-Kate and Ashley movie totally sucked. It wasn't when they were cute little detectives or teenagers who went on international vacations every other week. It was from the awkward middle school stage and made me lose a lot of respect for the twins I grew up idolizing.

"Vengeance is mine" saith the Lord. 

"But are you sure though?" saith me. 
Just offering my services anytime.

Why can you now see when people have viewed your event invite on Facebook?

Was the suicide rate not high enough?

This is torture. Whoever came up with this should work at Guantanamo. Actually I think they transferred to Snapchat and came up with this streaks business and the emojis that are some sort of a code. You need the enigma machine to figure out which heart means what. And if you lose an emoji you will never know whose fault it was. Not that I think about it a lot.

Read reviews for a 6-person pizza necklace. 

Girl said she wished it had more slices. 

IF YOU'RE SO POPULAR HOW'D YOU FIND TIME TO WRITE A REVIEW?
I can barely find 1 person willing to wear the other half of the raccoon and garbage can friendship necklaces I bought and this chick online is complaining that she has more than the 5 necessary friends for this necklace? Her life must be so hard. If you have that many friends stop shopping Etsy and just form your own cult.

When I sing my friends get so nervous and say "no stop" because they're afraid Broadway will snatch me up. It's so cute.
This is adorable. I always sing when I cook and it drives my roommates and everyone else within a half-mile radius crazy because they're so worried that I will get recruited.

If we want my grandma to watch a movie with us we just tell her Sandra Bullock is in it and that has a 100% success rate.
I have to say my grandmother loved Sandra Bullock's work in The Hunger Games and The Village but she was a bit disappointed with her in The Conjuring.

Boys don't ask me on a date until August 22nd because I am busy with the Olympics.
That was probably the most unnecessary tweet of all time.
I take that last part back now after reading some of Cher's tweets. And I really didn't leave the house for 2 weeks last August so I could offer my full support to Team USA. I'm like the Katie Ledecky of live-tweeting major athletic events.

I am what you would call a "sore loser". #Rio2016
Sure am. After Sweden beat our women's soccer team I publicly denounced Ikea. And H&M. And meatballs. I haven't made a purchase from Ikea since and that is only partially due to the fact that the nearest store to me is over 2 hours away. I'm sure their stock has plummeted.

I spend an impressive amount of time cyberbullying my family. 
I have to say that one of the best things about my brother graduating high school (other than my parents finally exhaling) is that I can now torment him on the internet and it's no longer cyberbullying a student it's just being a big sister.