It's OK Not To Be OK

I started this blog over 4 years ago. You can view my very short, very first post here. By my count (though numbers aren't really my forte, right Brendan?) I've only missed 2 weeks, which means there's a ton of material here if you ever get super bored and want to read every single post. Just make sure to click ads while you read so I can make pennies.

While my profits are rather stagnant, over the past 4 years this blog has grown exponentially. At first, some of my closest friends didn't even read it and my family didn't know about it. Now, my family reads regularly to make sure I'm not publicly defaming them and some of my closest friends still don't read it.

A lot of people (okay, like 2) have asked me why I blog. I think most people assume that I spend hours every week doing this because I love to write, I think I'm hilarious and I have no social life. All of which are true, but I really started this blog to help cope with depression. A scary word that doesn't have to be so scary.

I was hesitant about speaking publicly about my depression because I was afraid to misrepresent a condition that is at its worst, devastating, all-consuming, toxic and unbearable. Most people wouldn't describe me that way. Only a few people are allowed to see me at my worst. I didn't want my outwards persona to contaminate the idea that people have of a very serious condition and make it seem innocuous. But the reality is depression doesn't fit a stereotype. People with depression don't look the same, act the same or feel the same. A lot of people you know are probably dealing with depression or anxiety of some sort. Statistics say about 18% of Americans live with anxiety disorders. And that's okay.

In the past 4 years, there have been hundreds of days when depression is a non-issue for me. There have also been days when it casts a shadow over what should have been a wonderful memory that I will never get back. But I've also learned a lot of tricks that work for me and I want to share those to hopefully help someone else not feel so alone.

• Physical health and mental health are like chocolate and peanut butter. That's a bad example but they go together. Find a form of exercise you can live with and make time for yourself. You deserve it.

• I've learned not to have guilty pleasures. You know what helps me when I feel like nothing else will? Twitter. BuzzFeed. Terrible reality TV. I'm not ashamed of that. I don't feel guilty for watching an entire season of Vanderpump Rules in 24 hours.

• If you need white noise to keep your mind from wandering, find a TV show that feels like home to you. Get it on DVD, Netflix or Hulu and have it ready to go when you can't sleep. I have Bob's Burgers in my DVD player at all times.

• I've seen a lot of people on social media get tattoos to celebrate anniversaries of when they stopped self-harming. I'm too indecisive for a tattoo but I definitely have room for a few more ear piercings.

• I've also learned that you can't help how you feel. We're all responsible for our actions not our emotions. 

• Setting goals and milestone rewards can help motivate you. Got through 3 therapy sessions? Treat yourself to dessert. Exercised regularly for a month? Buy yourself a new tank top.

• I've learned that music affects our emotions in ways that sometimes don't make sense. The happiest Mumford & Sons song is still going to bum me out. But I can belt (off-key) ballads of heartbreak from Sara Bareilles, Taylor Swift and Kate Voegele with no problem.

• Instead of listening to the same Twenty One Pilots song (or any Twenty One Pilots song) every 10 minutes on the radio, I listen to podcasts. My favorites are My Favorite Murder, Last Podcast on the Left and Myths and Legends.

There are a ton of other small things that help. A good book. Following @tinatbh on Twitter. Blueberry frozen yogurt. Babies. A pedicure. Cake decorating. Cleaning (don't tell my mom). Painting.

I often say that art is the best therapy but in reality, therapy is the best therapy and there is no substitute. Click here for a therapist finder from Psychology Today. Unfortunately mental health is still a luxury in America and even if you are insured it can be hard to get time off for regular appointments. There are some more affordable, nonprofit counseling options at this website. There's also a forum administered by the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for young people to discuss mental health.

There are tons of other great resources you can find online, through your school or your employer. The good news is you're not alone and never will be.