AHSxMBTI

In honor of a new season of American Horror Story that I can't watch because satellite providers in this country are like a cartel and in protest of Netflix getting rid of the series before 2018...today's post is a Myers Briggs analysis of AHS characters from seasons 1-5 because I have yet to see seasons 6 & 7. But I do look forward to some streaming service ripping that rug out from under me in the near future.

(If you need to figure out which MBTI type you are, please get it together and refer to this post.)

ISTJ - The Examiner

Violet Harmon (Murder House)

Sure, she doesn't realize that she's dead, but she notices the important things. And she has a healthy appreciation for the east coast and darkness. I can dig it. Violet is the girl we all thought we were in middle school when we were actually Lizzie McGuire. If we were lucky.

ISFJ - The Defender

Tate Langdon (Murder House)

I actually think that almost every Evan Peters character on this show is an ISFJ. He would do anything to protect Violet, even hiding a dead body...technically her dead body. I think a lot of girls would say they want a Tate, minus the mommy issues and mass murder.

INFJ - The Counselor

Ethel Darling (Freak Show) 

Homegirl NAILED the Baltimore accent. And I've memorized Hairspray so that means a lot coming from me. Everyone comes to Ethel for advice. Maybe it's the beard? Or the fact that she raised a true gentleman. But I say that about every character Evan Peters plays. He could play Saddam Hussein and I would probably still swoon.

INTJ - The Strategist

Lana Winters (Asylum) 

The Erin Brokovich of our story, Lana has a taboo relationship just like everyone else in Asylum. When she finds herself with a Buffalo Bill type, Lana is smart enough to fight back and get out. She's even smarter to monetize her torturous past. Best revenge is your paper.

ISTP - The Craftsman

Arthur Arden (Asylum) 

Our very own Dr. Death, Arthur fancies himself a craftsman, scientist and innovator but he's really just a war criminal. I feel like if he had more access to Legos as a child he could have been a Steve Jobs instead of a Josef Mengele.

ISFP - The Artist

Misty Day (Coven)

Misty is a big part of why Coven is the best season. Wouldn't we all like to spend our days chilling in a swamp and listening to Fleetwood Mac? If Shrek and Stevie Nicks had a baby...it would be Misty Day. And bringing people back from the dead? She's like Coven's Melisandre.

INFP - The Dreamer

Liz Taylor (Hotel) 

I would die for her wardrobe. The shoes, the earrings, the makeup, the leather, the sequins. If I wanted to be Liz for Halloween I would have to start in February. Liz is like the Hotel Cortez's own person Stefon, she knows all the hot spots and hot gossip.

INTP - The Architect

James Patrick March (Hotel)

Get it…because he built the hotel. I had to. This devil in the city of angels desperately needs a new wardrobe and some new friends but at least he knows how to build a nice hotel. And he needed the real estate. Sometimes crawl spaces just aren't enough square footage, as our clown friend can attest to.

ESTP - The Promoter

Marcy (Murder House)

You have to work some kind of promotion magic to sell that house AND that hotel. Maybe she also sold the Beetlejuice house to the Deetzes who knows? I wouldn't want to do business with her but I do admire her.

ESFP - The Performer

Elsa Mars (Freak Show) 

All she wants is to put on a good show. And be David Bowie. But don't we all? I mean stars never pay. When singing takes her nowhere she tries knife throwing and that gets...messy. But I of all people can appreciate a gal who just wants to perform.

ENFP - The Champion

Fiona Goode (Coven)

The BADDEST witch in town. I live for this woman. If being afraid of aging is wrong, I don't want to be right. And she fights racism in the pettiest way! There's a political agenda I can get behind. Long live the queen.

ENTP - The Inventor

Stanley (Freak Show) 

I would argue that Stanley is the real villain of Freak Show because Twisty's backstory makes me BAWL every time. He mainly invents stories but I think Stanley could have been a very successful taxidermist in another life.

ESTJ - The Supervisor

Sister Jude (Asylum)

Jude Jude bo-bude banana-fana fo-fude. She supervises Briarcliff, keeps a close eye on Dr. Arden and takes Sister Mary Eunice under her wing (until Satan intervenes). Fun fact: The Name Game is the most popular episode in the entire anthology.

ESFJ - The Provider

Elizabeth (Hotel)

Some say murderer I say provider. She really does love and protect her army of stolen vampire children. Not to mention it's Gaga. She's got a jawline for days herself and almost everyone in this season, alive or dead, is in love with her whether they know it or not.

ENFJ - The Teacher

Cordelia Foxx (Coven)

Cordelia is a dedicated teacher who just wants her own child to teach. Cordelia provides the unconditional love to combat Fiona's tough...disdain? I named my car after Cordelia and according to the internet, she's still the supreme.

ENTJ - The Maverick

Madison Montgomery (Coven)
Surprise. Bet you’d thought you’d seen the last of this article. You can't out maverick the maverick. I'm not sure where that quote is from but I want to say Senator John McCain. Madison is cool, beautiful, powerful and completely narcissistic. What's not to love?