Irmagerd

Last weekend the infamous Populorums descended upon Carolina Beach making Hurricane Irma the second most dangerous phenomenon impacting the east coast. I headed east to reunite with my other family and celebrate my best friend's mom's wedding. Julie has now officially lapped me in the marriage department. I think I'm at the point where they just hand everyone a participation medal.

After a lovely ceremony on the beach at sunset, we danced to Men at Work at the reception and then returned to the 6 bedroom beach house that was home base for 3 uncles, 2 aunts, 6 cousins, 1 girlfriend, 1 photographer, and a few other hangers-on, myself included. Now I would love to say that after a busy 2 days of wedding festivities, beaching and family bonding we all came home and went to sleep. But this was Caroline's family. And those people are crazy. I can say that because I know they will take it as a compliment, as they should. So instead of getting some sleep, I went to McDonald's for a caffeine refuel, ate 3 leftover mini cupcakes and prepared for another long night with the crazy people I call my family whether they like it or not.

This is how it begins. I sit down at the table, preparing for what I'm sure will be another night of unsolicited They Might Be Giants karaoke and gossip when Caroline's aunt, Brigit, asks me if she made my Snapchat story.

Being the benevolent social media maven that I am, I tell Brigit (affectionately known as G because baby Caroline had a speech impediment) that I will put her on my Snapchat story. I also tell her that I have hiccups and they hurt. Which she thankfully recorded on her own Snapchat stories because these are the memories I want to have forever. Julie & Mike's eternal love and my painful esophageal issues.

That escalated quickly. We embark upon an epic Snapchat battle royale that had my followers saying "who is this random woman" and had her followers saying "Brigit why are you so obsessed with Rachel? We know she's a cultural icon but let her live."

Brigit had zero maternal sympathy for my brutal hiccups. She laughed at me. 

All I wanted was a heartfelt "awwww I'm sorry let me run right out and get you some seltzer with no concern for the 18 other cars parked in this driveway" was that so much to ask? Yet after refusing to drop her sister-of-the-bride, mother and adult responsibilities with reckless abandon for my hiccups, G insists that I still love her.

This lady doth protest. At this point I think it's important that we all thank Sara for doing my makeup (and everyone else's) because without her this blog post would not have the visual aids as my face post-10 PM is not consumable for the general public. We're talking pores the size of Mary-Kate Olsen's head, a T-zone that makes Rudolph's nose look dull and eyebrows that are not twins, sisters or even cousins.

But since I realized I actually didn't look my normal level of heinous (thnx Sara) I decided that this very Snapchat war would be featured on the blog.

Although we were at war I very diplomatically warned Brigit about the loss of anonymity that would occur once she was featured in WGW blog post. Her life is about to completely change.

I also think that I inadvertently taught her how to use Snapchat more effectively. What have I done? I am Frankenstein. She is my monster. But I want to be Mary Shelley so I'm pretending Frankenstein is an autobiography.

Carol finally makes it home and is warmly welcomed by Brigit and Erin (or G and Eh Eh because baby Caroline's lack of speech therapy almost tore this family apart) I explain that "pickle" is our safe word.

 

I then learn that Caroline had no idea that pickle was our safe word. Either she's a bad friend or pickle is actually my safe word with Taylor. This explains a few frantic conversations that I thought were about rescuing me from an awkward situation while the other party thought we were discussing condiments.

I'm still pondering this safe word debacle when Brigit starts remixing Sir Mix A Lot after someone offers her a burger because my car went to McDonald's on the way home and placed 5 separate orders for 4 people in the drive through. We did apologize profusely and only meant to place 4 orders, the extra 5th order was for cookies and y'all no I couldn't pass that up.

There are no words. I'm going to let this one speak for itself.

All night Brigit is telling me to refresh my Snapchat so I can see the newest additions to her story. If you look at this photo closely you will notice she is holding a large wooden spoon. In most families these are used to serve food. In this family they are used as microphones to serve up some Red Hot Chili Peppers.

It's a truce. We end our Snapchat war for the good of the world and to avoid losing Snapchat friends which are pretty scarce on both sides. We have no social media followers to spare.

 And I must admit...I do love G.

Thank you Populorums. There's a little birdhouse in my soul for each of you. Whatever that means.