My roommate tried to kill me Monday.
Here's a before picture of us. Happier times. Before we were enemies. Before I knew what she was truly capable of.
She forced me to drink apple cider vinegar with her. Now she will claim that I wasn't forced but I'm a joiner and she was doing it so I think we can all agree that this constitutes coercion.
It was, in a word, completely horrific and disgusting and I will never forgive her. It tasted like feet and shame at my own inability to overcome peer pressure. I processed her betrayal in a series of stages.
Stage 1 was hatred.
I asked her how she could let someone she allegedly loves do that. I stand by that. Karma even came through for me right away. She drank a ton of water to dispel the taste of liquid foot, but drank out of a glass she had used to mix essential oils. So she got a mouthful of lavender water. I smugly chased mine with orange juice and a string of insults.
Stage 2 was complaints.
I complained that as North Carolinians we really shouldn't disrespect vinegar like that. I complained that my taste buds were probably permanently damaged. I complained that if this is what it took to have clear skin and lose weight, I'd rather just stay fat and ugly. I mean it's gotten me this far in life. And there are so many more important things to be in life besides pretty.
(Like being petty.)
Stage 3 was research.
If I'm going to talk her out of this sadistic nonsense I'm going to have to do it with cold, hard facts. So I turned to the one indisputable source of truth. The internet. It appears that most of the alleged weight loss benefits of apple cider vinegar stem from the claim that it suppresses your appetite and helps you feel full. Okay, miss me with that. I very rarely eat because I'm hungry. I eat because I'm bored, because I'm sad or just because food is delicious! So a suppressed appetite will in no way stop me.
Another alleged benefit of apple cider vinegar is helping stomach issues. But how is that possible when thinking about ingesting vinegar makes me want to vomit? Apple cider vinegar is also supposed to help soothe a sore throat. But why would I take apple cider vinegar when I have a perfectly good excuse to eat ice cream? Trick question...I wouldn't. One study also claims that apple cider vinegar boosts your energy. You know what would boost my energy? Not having 70 teenagers fighting for my attention every day. But I love my kids and I hate apple cider vinegar. Easy choice. Plus, what do I even need more energy for? That might encourage me to like...do things. Pass.
So I think we can all agree that A) I should press charges and B) apple cider vinegar is useless and C) we're lucky I survived.
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