As those of you who know me personally can attest, I tend to see the glass as completely empty. But I think that it is important that we all take time every day during our stupid white girl problems to remember that there is always someone out there who is having a worse day than us. And don't pretend you don't know what white girl problems are. Losing the remote. Accidentally eating 4 almonds instead of the healthy portion of 3 a day. Being forced to wear Victoria's Secret fashion leggings because all of our VS yoga leggings are dirty. So next time you get your panties in a twist because your life totally sucks ever since you finished all of the One Tree Hill episodes on Netflix, take a gander at this list.
Anyone with a tattoo of an ex's name. Bonus points if you have an ex's face.
Any high school white girl whose monogram sucks. There has to be at least one person who's monogram is "LOL". Let that sink in. When Lindsey Lee Oldham's parents were naming her back in 1997, they had no idea that monograms would become so huge. Luckily, her best friend Penelope Sarah Martin shares her aversion to monograms.
Anyone who got their hopes up when they saw that Lilo & Stitch was coming on Disney channel only to realize it was the series, not the movie.
Anyone who didn't see the "Wet Paint" sign until it was too late.
Anyone with a tattoo that is spelled wrong.
Anyone who woke up early to go to a class that got cancelled.
The person whose job is telling Mariah Carey that she's beautiful.
Any white person currently trying and failing to dance.
Anyone who had their zodiac sign tattooed on their body before the zodiac calendar shifted a few years ago. There has to be at least one person with the wrong zodiac sign tattooed on their body.
Anyone who is at a concert with Taylor Swift and sees her trying to dance.
Any of the approximately 6.9 billion people who don't live in America. Sucks for them.
Anyone who has ever made it on a "one hit wonder" list.
Anyone who is friends with me and has to deal with me bursting into song for no apparent reason at least thrice daily.
Gunther.
Anyone who is running right now or has ran ever.
Anyone with a mullet (I'm looking at you Chase.)
and finally...
Any of the over 7 billion people out there who have never heard of this blog. Poor, unfortunate souls.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Times Harry Potter Should Have Been Mean Girls
I hope you're all familiar with the Mean Girls Hunger Games tumblr because it is mahogany! And by mahogany I of course mean mega genius. I have been a huge proponent of combining 2 things you like to get something you love ever since Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston first got together. I admit that I almost gave up on the theory when they split but as usual, empty carbohydrates were there for me. Think about it. Chocolate + peanut butter = Reese's. Chicken + spaghetti = chicken parmesan. Chocolate + anything = chocolate-covered awesomeness. But it doesn't just work for food.
Late Friday night I had the stroke of genius to combine Harry Potter and Mean Girls. You're welcome.
"Bellatrix's hair is so big because it's full of evil."
This is how the best character of the series should have been introduced. It really says it all.
"I mean, it's just the elder wand. We could really just..."
When Harry breaks the elder wand at the end of the last movie, he should have given a piece to everyone who deserved to be Spring Fling Queen (Ron, Hermoine, Neville, Professor McGonagall, Hagrid).
"They're life ruiners. They ruin people's lives."
I imagine this as a bonding scene where Siruis explains dementors to Harry. Could also be used when the Death Eaters enter a scene.
"I have this theory that if you shaved off all her hair, she'd look like Voldemort."
How to describe the less-fortunate looking of the wizarding world. A particularly cruel way to refer to magical creatures without noses.
"One time, Fleur Delacour met John Stamos on a plane, and he told her she was pretty!"
Right after the triwizard tournament competitors are announced the camera should have panned over to Hogwarts students revealing tidbits about Krum, Diggory and Delacour.
"I hear his hair is insured for $10,000."
Lucius Malfoy's hair has its own stunt double. True story. He needs to keep it lush and flowing for when he does car commercials in Japan. Why do you think the Malfoy's are so rich?
"You can't sit with us!"
I think Voldemort should use this line when he orders Nagini to eat someone. Ron could use it when Ginny gets to Hogwarts and tries to hang around. Ginny is my least favorite character of the whole series. That's saying a lot.
"That is social suicide!"
Whenever a first year says they hope they get Hufflepuff Ron should be there to remind them of this. I mean Hufflepuff? Really? Might as well be a squib.
"Four points for you Gryffindor, you go Gryffindor."
When Gryffindor comes back and wins the House Cup, Dumbledore should have announced the victory this way while everyone else LOLed at Slytherin.
"I just have a lot of feelings."
Moaning Myrtle when anyone asks her about how she got her name. Chamber of Secrets will always be my favorite but she almost ruined it. Myrtle's voice is worse than a mandrake's scream, am I right?
"She doesn't even go here."
Dolores Umbridge takes over Hogwarts and everyone realizes that she is actually the most evil character in the entire series. Someone should have jumped up and screamed "She doesn't even go here!" every single time she made Filch hang up a new rule.
"I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me but I can't help it that I'm so popular."
Pansy Parkinson when everyone just stares at her when she suggests they turn Harry over to the dark lord and the Minerva orders her taken to the dungeon.
"Tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back."
Hermoine to Lavender in the hospital after Ron unknowingly reveals who really has his heart. Hermoine would never be that forward or cruel, but someone seriously needs to have a talk with Lavender. Like what is her damage?
I want to end this post by explaining the fundamental difference between me and my good friend Chris. Chris will always miss 100% of the dunks he doesn't take. I will always miss 100% of the dunks I do take.
Late Friday night I had the stroke of genius to combine Harry Potter and Mean Girls. You're welcome.
"Bellatrix's hair is so big because it's full of evil."
This is how the best character of the series should have been introduced. It really says it all.
"I mean, it's just the elder wand. We could really just..."
When Harry breaks the elder wand at the end of the last movie, he should have given a piece to everyone who deserved to be Spring Fling Queen (Ron, Hermoine, Neville, Professor McGonagall, Hagrid).
"They're life ruiners. They ruin people's lives."
I imagine this as a bonding scene where Siruis explains dementors to Harry. Could also be used when the Death Eaters enter a scene.
"I have this theory that if you shaved off all her hair, she'd look like Voldemort."
How to describe the less-fortunate looking of the wizarding world. A particularly cruel way to refer to magical creatures without noses.
"One time, Fleur Delacour met John Stamos on a plane, and he told her she was pretty!"
Right after the triwizard tournament competitors are announced the camera should have panned over to Hogwarts students revealing tidbits about Krum, Diggory and Delacour.
"I hear his hair is insured for $10,000."
Lucius Malfoy's hair has its own stunt double. True story. He needs to keep it lush and flowing for when he does car commercials in Japan. Why do you think the Malfoy's are so rich?
"You can't sit with us!"
I think Voldemort should use this line when he orders Nagini to eat someone. Ron could use it when Ginny gets to Hogwarts and tries to hang around. Ginny is my least favorite character of the whole series. That's saying a lot.
"That is social suicide!"
Whenever a first year says they hope they get Hufflepuff Ron should be there to remind them of this. I mean Hufflepuff? Really? Might as well be a squib.
"Four points for you Gryffindor, you go Gryffindor."
When Gryffindor comes back and wins the House Cup, Dumbledore should have announced the victory this way while everyone else LOLed at Slytherin.
"I just have a lot of feelings."
Moaning Myrtle when anyone asks her about how she got her name. Chamber of Secrets will always be my favorite but she almost ruined it. Myrtle's voice is worse than a mandrake's scream, am I right?
"She doesn't even go here."
Dolores Umbridge takes over Hogwarts and everyone realizes that she is actually the most evil character in the entire series. Someone should have jumped up and screamed "She doesn't even go here!" every single time she made Filch hang up a new rule.
"I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me but I can't help it that I'm so popular."
Pansy Parkinson when everyone just stares at her when she suggests they turn Harry over to the dark lord and the Minerva orders her taken to the dungeon.
"Tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back."
Hermoine to Lavender in the hospital after Ron unknowingly reveals who really has his heart. Hermoine would never be that forward or cruel, but someone seriously needs to have a talk with Lavender. Like what is her damage?
I want to end this post by explaining the fundamental difference between me and my good friend Chris. Chris will always miss 100% of the dunks he doesn't take. I will always miss 100% of the dunks I do take.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY
If you are one of the lucky few readers who have been following White Girl Wednesday from the beginning (AKA my mother), congratulations! It's been a whole year since my first post! That's so crazy to me. It seems like just yesterday I was telling my friends I was going to start a blog and they were telling me they would never read it. Now, a year later, we have all kept our promises.
I want to thank each and every person who has read my blog over these past 12 months, especially the 2 of you who clicked on advertisements because you have fulfilled my lifelong dream of being a paid writer. After 52 posts since February 20, 2013, I am a whole 66 cents richer. And I couldn't be more thrilled.
So in honor of White Girl Wednesday's first birthday, today's blog post is a quiz to determine what type of white girl you are. There is a basic white girl who is "literally dying" because she "just can't" inside each and every one of us. And she is dying to get out. And go to Starbucks.
WHICH WHITE GIRL ARE YOU QUIZ?
What was your first love like?
A-An older guy who supported my feminism and my music, we enriched each other.
B-A total dreamboat, too cute in a suit, metro type but he wasn't really into me.
C-Brown hair, gray eyes, toothy smile. It broke my heart when I lost him to a girl with a pink dress. And a body.
D-I'm in love with the whole world, not just one person.
E-My best friend, we never stopped laughing.
F-A classmate who supported my ambitions and fell in love with my talent.
What is your favorite food?
A-Free trade black coffee and like all misunderstood rebels, hypocrisy.
B-Bubble gum and diet soda.
C-Pizza. Exactly one piece of pepperoni pizza.
D-Jelly beans and chocolate.
E-All of them.
F-Bagels and schmear. Warm water with lemon for my voice.
What is your favorite emoji?
A-The diamond, in an ironic way of course.
B-The princess (aka, me).
C-The colorful hearts.
D-The bunny.
E-The winking smiley face sticking out his tongue.
F-Microphone with music notes.
What is your favorite movie?
A-The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. The original. Without subtitles.
B-Casablanca.
C-Any Disney movie.
D-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
E-Bridesmaids!
F-Funny Girl.
Who is your favorite artist?
A-Etta James.
B-Radiohead. Obvi.
C-All Queen Bey, all the time.
D-Fiona Apple.
E-The Lonely Island.
F-Barbra Streisand.
What is your go-to song to sing in the shower?
A-I like to be alone with my thoughts.
B-Love Is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar.
C-Crazy Beautiful Life by Ke$ha.
D-The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson.
E-Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.
F-Don't Rain on My Parade by Barbra Streisand.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
A-Continuing to empower women the world over while dressed in head to toe black.
B-Married to a stone cold fox, improving my vocabulary sporadically and running a match-making service.
C-Pretty much where I am now. Tossing back cosmopolitans and taking names.
D-Bringing magic and sunshine into the lives of everyone around me with my family.
E-Ummm...I don't know but I hope to be near the food 10 minutes from now.
F-Starring on Broadway and living on Park Avenue with my perfect stockbroker husband and 2.5 children.
The world can never have too much _______ ?
A-Originality.
B-Shopping.
C-Attitude.
D-Magic.
E-Photobombing.
F-Singing.
Mostly As - Lorde
You are queen of the darkness and the type of individual hipsters look up to. You embrace your inner white girl by constantly flaunting your pale skin and you totally rock it. You may be just 17 going on 45 but you have a plan for tackling misogyny headfirst. Maybe try to mix some sugar into your Scary Spice routine once in awhile?
Mostly Bs - Cher Horowitz
Forever a 90s white girl, you're a total Betty who knows everything about love, fashion, and getting your way. So what if you're a virgin who can't drive? You know exactly how to get what you want in life and the universe loves you. The only thing holding you back is your attachment to twentieth century trends that should have died with chokers.
Mostly Cs - Sass Girl Emoji
You're what all basic white girls strive to be. You've turned sass into a true art form and take 0 crap from anyone. You always have the perfect comeback and know the importance of wearing pink on Wednesdays, and every other day. You're the only type of girl who can pull off yoga pants, Victoria's Secret hoodies and Uggs day in and day out.
Mostly Ds - Luna Lovegood
Your quirks have their own quirks, and that's what makes you YOU! You have a big smile and a bigger heart and you love the curious things in life. Some people find your unconventional personality weird but your love for the universe is endearing. Never be afraid to be the wind beneath your own freak flag.
Mostly Es - Jennifer Lawrence
The white girl next door, you're like one of the guys. Your hilarious antics always attract attention, but it is your talent that has made you America's sweetheart. You really don't care what anyone thinks of you and know that loving yourself no matter what is the key to true awesomeness. After every endeavor, you can say with confidence "Crushed it."
Mostly Fs - Rachel Berry
The type A, perfectionist white girl always chasing after success with everything you've got. Somewhat hated by enemies and friends alike, you will stop at nothing to achieve your perfect life. You've always been talented and you have the determination to turn it into major star power. Note to self, if you ever think about taking up songwriting, think again. See "My Headband".
I want to thank each and every person who has read my blog over these past 12 months, especially the 2 of you who clicked on advertisements because you have fulfilled my lifelong dream of being a paid writer. After 52 posts since February 20, 2013, I am a whole 66 cents richer. And I couldn't be more thrilled.
So in honor of White Girl Wednesday's first birthday, today's blog post is a quiz to determine what type of white girl you are. There is a basic white girl who is "literally dying" because she "just can't" inside each and every one of us. And she is dying to get out. And go to Starbucks.
WHICH WHITE GIRL ARE YOU QUIZ?
What was your first love like?
A-An older guy who supported my feminism and my music, we enriched each other.
B-A total dreamboat, too cute in a suit, metro type but he wasn't really into me.
C-Brown hair, gray eyes, toothy smile. It broke my heart when I lost him to a girl with a pink dress. And a body.
D-I'm in love with the whole world, not just one person.
E-My best friend, we never stopped laughing.
F-A classmate who supported my ambitions and fell in love with my talent.
What is your favorite food?
A-Free trade black coffee and like all misunderstood rebels, hypocrisy.
B-Bubble gum and diet soda.
C-Pizza. Exactly one piece of pepperoni pizza.
D-Jelly beans and chocolate.
E-All of them.
F-Bagels and schmear. Warm water with lemon for my voice.
What is your favorite emoji?
A-The diamond, in an ironic way of course.
B-The princess (aka, me).
C-The colorful hearts.
D-The bunny.
E-The winking smiley face sticking out his tongue.
F-Microphone with music notes.
What is your favorite movie?
A-The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. The original. Without subtitles.
B-Casablanca.
C-Any Disney movie.
D-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
E-Bridesmaids!
F-Funny Girl.
Who is your favorite artist?
A-Etta James.
B-Radiohead. Obvi.
C-All Queen Bey, all the time.
D-Fiona Apple.
E-The Lonely Island.
F-Barbra Streisand.
What is your go-to song to sing in the shower?
A-I like to be alone with my thoughts.
B-Love Is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar.
C-Crazy Beautiful Life by Ke$ha.
D-The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson.
E-Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.
F-Don't Rain on My Parade by Barbra Streisand.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
A-Continuing to empower women the world over while dressed in head to toe black.
B-Married to a stone cold fox, improving my vocabulary sporadically and running a match-making service.
C-Pretty much where I am now. Tossing back cosmopolitans and taking names.
D-Bringing magic and sunshine into the lives of everyone around me with my family.
E-Ummm...I don't know but I hope to be near the food 10 minutes from now.
F-Starring on Broadway and living on Park Avenue with my perfect stockbroker husband and 2.5 children.
The world can never have too much _______ ?
A-Originality.
B-Shopping.
C-Attitude.
D-Magic.
E-Photobombing.
F-Singing.
Mostly As - Lorde
You are queen of the darkness and the type of individual hipsters look up to. You embrace your inner white girl by constantly flaunting your pale skin and you totally rock it. You may be just 17 going on 45 but you have a plan for tackling misogyny headfirst. Maybe try to mix some sugar into your Scary Spice routine once in awhile?
Mostly Bs - Cher Horowitz
Forever a 90s white girl, you're a total Betty who knows everything about love, fashion, and getting your way. So what if you're a virgin who can't drive? You know exactly how to get what you want in life and the universe loves you. The only thing holding you back is your attachment to twentieth century trends that should have died with chokers.
Mostly Cs - Sass Girl Emoji
You're what all basic white girls strive to be. You've turned sass into a true art form and take 0 crap from anyone. You always have the perfect comeback and know the importance of wearing pink on Wednesdays, and every other day. You're the only type of girl who can pull off yoga pants, Victoria's Secret hoodies and Uggs day in and day out.
Mostly Ds - Luna Lovegood
Your quirks have their own quirks, and that's what makes you YOU! You have a big smile and a bigger heart and you love the curious things in life. Some people find your unconventional personality weird but your love for the universe is endearing. Never be afraid to be the wind beneath your own freak flag.
Mostly Es - Jennifer Lawrence
The white girl next door, you're like one of the guys. Your hilarious antics always attract attention, but it is your talent that has made you America's sweetheart. You really don't care what anyone thinks of you and know that loving yourself no matter what is the key to true awesomeness. After every endeavor, you can say with confidence "Crushed it."
Mostly Fs - Rachel Berry
The type A, perfectionist white girl always chasing after success with everything you've got. Somewhat hated by enemies and friends alike, you will stop at nothing to achieve your perfect life. You've always been talented and you have the determination to turn it into major star power. Note to self, if you ever think about taking up songwriting, think again. See "My Headband".
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Valentine's Day Playlist
In honor of Friday, also known as Valentine's Day (barf), this week's post is an Anti-Valentine's Day playlist. All the best songs to listen to (and inevitably belt) for when you hate happy people, complete with lyric highlights.
I Hate Everything About You
Three Days Grace
"But I still don't miss you yet."
No Scrubs
TLC
"I don't want your number. I don't wanna give you mine."
Leave
JoJo
"Get out. Leave right now. It's the end of you and me."
U+UR Hand
P!nk
"Wanna dance by myself, guess you outta luck."
7 Things
Miley Cyrus
"What I need to hear now, your sincere apology. When you mean it I'll believe it, if you text it I'll delete it."
On My Own
Samantha Barks
"Without me, his world would go on turning. A world that's full of happiness that I have never known."
Irreplaceable
Beyonce
"So since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be nothing?"
Gone Forever
Three Days Grace
"And in this world around me, I'm glad you disappeared."
Almost Lover
A Fine Frenzy
The whole song. Seriously.
Total Eclipse of the Heart
Lea Michele & Glee Cast
"Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round."
You're Not Sorry
Taylor Swift
"So you don't have to call, anymore. I won't pick up the phone. This is the last straw, there's nothing left to beg for."
Don't Be A Girl About It
Kelly Clarkson
"I'm counting sheep while you're in love."
Jar of Hearts
Christina Perri
"I have grown too strong, to ever fall back in your arms."
I Don't Wanna Be In Love
Good Charlotte
"Everybody, put up your hands. Say I don't wanna be in love, I don't wanna be in love."
Candles
Hey Monday
"I am all alone. I don't really care at all, not answering my phone."
Bye Bye
Jo Dee Messina
"I've got pride, I'm takin it for a ride."
Devil in Me
Kate Voegele
"Please have mercy, you've unnerved me. I don't deserve this pain."
That Don't Impress Me Much
Shania Twain
"So you've got the moves but have you got the touch?"
Deuces
Chris Brown
"I know you mad but so what? I wish you best of luck. And now I'm finna throw them deuces up."
Before He Cheats
Carrie Underwood
"I might have saved a little trouble for the next girl. Cause the next time that he cheats, oh you know it won't be on me."
Picture to Burn
Taylor Swift
"And if you come around saying sorry to me, my daddy's gonna show you how sorry you'll be."
I Hate Everything About You
Three Days Grace
"But I still don't miss you yet."
No Scrubs
TLC
"I don't want your number. I don't wanna give you mine."
Leave
JoJo
"Get out. Leave right now. It's the end of you and me."
U+UR Hand
P!nk
"Wanna dance by myself, guess you outta luck."
7 Things
Miley Cyrus
"What I need to hear now, your sincere apology. When you mean it I'll believe it, if you text it I'll delete it."
On My Own
Samantha Barks
"Without me, his world would go on turning. A world that's full of happiness that I have never known."
Irreplaceable
Beyonce
"So since I'm not your everything, how about I'll be nothing?"
Gone Forever
Three Days Grace
"And in this world around me, I'm glad you disappeared."
Almost Lover
A Fine Frenzy
The whole song. Seriously.
Total Eclipse of the Heart
Lea Michele & Glee Cast
"Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round."
You're Not Sorry
Taylor Swift
"So you don't have to call, anymore. I won't pick up the phone. This is the last straw, there's nothing left to beg for."
Don't Be A Girl About It
Kelly Clarkson
"I'm counting sheep while you're in love."
Jar of Hearts
Christina Perri
"I have grown too strong, to ever fall back in your arms."
I Don't Wanna Be In Love
Good Charlotte
"Everybody, put up your hands. Say I don't wanna be in love, I don't wanna be in love."
Candles
Hey Monday
"I am all alone. I don't really care at all, not answering my phone."
Bye Bye
Jo Dee Messina
"I've got pride, I'm takin it for a ride."
Devil in Me
Kate Voegele
"Please have mercy, you've unnerved me. I don't deserve this pain."
That Don't Impress Me Much
Shania Twain
"So you've got the moves but have you got the touch?"
Deuces
Chris Brown
"I know you mad but so what? I wish you best of luck. And now I'm finna throw them deuces up."
Before He Cheats
Carrie Underwood
"I might have saved a little trouble for the next girl. Cause the next time that he cheats, oh you know it won't be on me."
Picture to Burn
Taylor Swift
"And if you come around saying sorry to me, my daddy's gonna show you how sorry you'll be."
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
WhatShouldWeCallMeInMiddleSchool
One of my favorite hobbies is inventing new tumblrs that I sincerely hope someone out there will think of also and go ahead and make the actual tumblr because between training to be a trophy wife and my part time mermaid gig, I really haven't the time. Sometimes, I will admit, I have some pretty stupid ideas. Purrfection, for instance, was supposed to be a tumblr of cats that look like Beyonce. Needless to say, I couldn't get past the looking at pictures of Beyonce part. But my newest tumblr idea is genius. WhatShouldWeCallMeInMiddleSchool is a safe place for users to upload heinous photos of themselves as preteens because it is so important to learn from past mistakes. These are the pages that WhatShouldWeCallMeInMiddleSchool will feature.
Braces
I was really lucky (or unlucky) to begin my journey in orthodontia in the 3rd grade. My braces came off the summer before 7th grade, before I could really be embarrassed by them. When I first got my braces as an eight year old I was thrilled, I thought they made me look at least 9 and 3 quarters. But by the 6th grade, I was so over the braceface look (on myself, not the show with Alicia Silverstone, that was awesome).
No Make Up
My parents, the same parents who brought you (or should I say me?) the "no cell phone till you're 14" policy, obviously dead set on making me an outcast when all I wanted to be was the 3rd member of OutKast , did not let me wear makeup until high school. And it was brutal. I went all 3 years of middle school make up free, and if any of you have seen me without make up, you know how rough that was (and still is).
One Fashion Don't After Another
Cause that's all middle school is, right? Especially for those of us who were in middle school in the early 2000s. It was all about the big 4 - Aeropostale (which your parents undoubtedly pronounced air-o-pah-sul), American Eagle, Hollister and Abercrombie. Everytime you went to the mall all you really wanted was a tight t shirt with the store name in size 72 font across the boobs. That was the height of fashion, after all. But it got so much worse. Who else among us is still struggling to forget the lace-capped leggings and denim skirts phase? Or crocs being all the rage?
Basketball Warm Ups
I can't tell what was worse, the fact that we wore those trashbag material/XXL prison suits with pride or the fact that we thought we were beyond clever by calling them "cool downs" instead of warm ups. Also the fact that we always wore the jacket and the sweatpants together really multiplied how awful the whole scenario was. Just picture a dozen thirteen year olds wearing head to toe navy nylon.
That Hair Doe
There were so many hair atrocities in middle school that I hardly know where to begin. So I'll start with my own. It was shorter than shoulder length and had this terrible, what can only be described as a hump, on the right side at the top of my skull. I like to pretend hair straighteners weren't invented until 2009 but in reality, I was just way behind. And then there were the bangs. Now I learned from 2nd grade that bangs weren't my thing, although they would have really helped my widow's peak situation. But almost everyone else had bangs. They would scrunch their hair and straighten their bangs. But we musn't judge, it was a different world back then.
All that being said, I just want to issue a huge apology to any and everyone who knew me in middle school. I was a hot mess, extra mess, hold the hot. And I have some friends that have stood by me since those dark ages. To them, I would like to say, you all must be even more messed up than I am if you can't find newer, prettier friends to replace me. Love ya, mean it.
Braces
I was really lucky (or unlucky) to begin my journey in orthodontia in the 3rd grade. My braces came off the summer before 7th grade, before I could really be embarrassed by them. When I first got my braces as an eight year old I was thrilled, I thought they made me look at least 9 and 3 quarters. But by the 6th grade, I was so over the braceface look (on myself, not the show with Alicia Silverstone, that was awesome).
No Make Up
My parents, the same parents who brought you (or should I say me?) the "no cell phone till you're 14" policy, obviously dead set on making me an outcast when all I wanted to be was the 3rd member of OutKast , did not let me wear makeup until high school. And it was brutal. I went all 3 years of middle school make up free, and if any of you have seen me without make up, you know how rough that was (and still is).
One Fashion Don't After Another
Cause that's all middle school is, right? Especially for those of us who were in middle school in the early 2000s. It was all about the big 4 - Aeropostale (which your parents undoubtedly pronounced air-o-pah-sul), American Eagle, Hollister and Abercrombie. Everytime you went to the mall all you really wanted was a tight t shirt with the store name in size 72 font across the boobs. That was the height of fashion, after all. But it got so much worse. Who else among us is still struggling to forget the lace-capped leggings and denim skirts phase? Or crocs being all the rage?
Basketball Warm Ups
I can't tell what was worse, the fact that we wore those trashbag material/XXL prison suits with pride or the fact that we thought we were beyond clever by calling them "cool downs" instead of warm ups. Also the fact that we always wore the jacket and the sweatpants together really multiplied how awful the whole scenario was. Just picture a dozen thirteen year olds wearing head to toe navy nylon.
That Hair Doe
There were so many hair atrocities in middle school that I hardly know where to begin. So I'll start with my own. It was shorter than shoulder length and had this terrible, what can only be described as a hump, on the right side at the top of my skull. I like to pretend hair straighteners weren't invented until 2009 but in reality, I was just way behind. And then there were the bangs. Now I learned from 2nd grade that bangs weren't my thing, although they would have really helped my widow's peak situation. But almost everyone else had bangs. They would scrunch their hair and straighten their bangs. But we musn't judge, it was a different world back then.
All that being said, I just want to issue a huge apology to any and everyone who knew me in middle school. I was a hot mess, extra mess, hold the hot. And I have some friends that have stood by me since those dark ages. To them, I would like to say, you all must be even more messed up than I am if you can't find newer, prettier friends to replace me. Love ya, mean it.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Modern Family the Musical
As a firm believer that almost everything could and should be made into a musical, I began casting the musical of my life ages ago. Lea Michele would play me of course because the resemblance is striking. Brown eyes, brown hair, I can hardly tell where she ends and I begin (hint, it's somewhere around 85 pounds). Naturally, I have begun the casting process for several of my favorite shows and movies should 20th Century Fox or MGM get back to me about the possibility of turning them into musicals. But I've been on hold with Disney about Kim Possible the Musical for 37 hours and counting regarding the naked mole rat I fed exed them, so don't expect any news soon.
In hopes that the ABC network will be more receptive to my stage adaptation advances, I cast Modern Family the Musical this week. I think you will find my choices unconventional and highly inappropriate.
Jay - Jeff Goldblum
I admit he's not as portly as Ed O'Neill but don't you just love to look at him? I missed a whole season of Glee because a world were Jeff Goldblum is gay is not a world I care to participate in. Goldblum has the sternness, experience and commanding stage presence required to play the patriarch.
Gloria - Idina Menzel
Need I say more? Idina is like the high priestess of Broadway and we should all sacrifice our copies of the movie Rent at a shrine to her in hopes to one day be fabulous too. The exotic Menzel is the only Broadway beauty qualified to portray such a sexy scene stealer.
DeDe - Bernadette Peters
Broadway royalty. DeDe is rarely on the show but I wrote her into the musical just to have a spot for Mrs. Peters. Who does crazy better than a ginger? Bernadette would be the perfect psycho ex-wife.
Manny - Nick Jonas
I think the youngest Jonas is the only youth on Broadway who can really portray the persnickety feminism of Manny. Manny's my least favorite character for several reasons, but maybe Nick can change that.
Phil - John Stamos
Bad boy Uncle Jesse as nice and clueless dad Phil? Perf. I think John Stamos needs this role 10% because he has black hair like Phil and 90% because I'm in love with him.
Claire - Jane Krakowski
The neurotic stay at home mom who keeps the chaotic household running. Had to be Krakowski. Her main qualification for this role is that she's married which means I don't have to worry about on-stage chemistry stealing John Stamos away from me.
Haley - Lea Michele
The complete opposite of Rachel Berry, Michele will shine as conceited oldest sister Haley. I'm already working on several songs for Lea to belt, but I think her Glee character's tune My Headband could transition to stage perfectly.
Alex - Anna Kendrick
I think Anna Kendrick is the only person on earth who could understand the snark and sarcasm that Alex's character requires. Plus, she's just awesome.
Luke - Nolan Gould
Because in that one episode, Luke sings and we are all shocked to discover he has the voice of an angel. Seriously. His voice haunts my dreams. In a good way. Fun fact about Nolan, he's in MENSA. The kid is a genius. I think it's safe to say he got dis.
Mitchell - Neil Patrick Harris
This was the easiest spot to fill, NPH does so many strong characters I'm sure he can nail the rude, caustic, butthole that Mitch is.
Cam - Nathan Lane
I know he's already on the show as the pretentious and annoying Pepper, but I couldn't imagine anyone else playing Cam on stage. I mean it's Nathan Lane!
Lily - Kristin Chenoweth
What? It's colorblind casting. Is it really a Broadway musical without the goddess that is Kristin Chenoweth? And besides, Kristin is tiny, she can play Lily just fine.
In hopes that the ABC network will be more receptive to my stage adaptation advances, I cast Modern Family the Musical this week. I think you will find my choices unconventional and highly inappropriate.
Jay - Jeff Goldblum
I admit he's not as portly as Ed O'Neill but don't you just love to look at him? I missed a whole season of Glee because a world were Jeff Goldblum is gay is not a world I care to participate in. Goldblum has the sternness, experience and commanding stage presence required to play the patriarch.
Gloria - Idina Menzel
Need I say more? Idina is like the high priestess of Broadway and we should all sacrifice our copies of the movie Rent at a shrine to her in hopes to one day be fabulous too. The exotic Menzel is the only Broadway beauty qualified to portray such a sexy scene stealer.
DeDe - Bernadette Peters
Broadway royalty. DeDe is rarely on the show but I wrote her into the musical just to have a spot for Mrs. Peters. Who does crazy better than a ginger? Bernadette would be the perfect psycho ex-wife.
Manny - Nick Jonas
I think the youngest Jonas is the only youth on Broadway who can really portray the persnickety feminism of Manny. Manny's my least favorite character for several reasons, but maybe Nick can change that.
Phil - John Stamos
Bad boy Uncle Jesse as nice and clueless dad Phil? Perf. I think John Stamos needs this role 10% because he has black hair like Phil and 90% because I'm in love with him.
Claire - Jane Krakowski
The neurotic stay at home mom who keeps the chaotic household running. Had to be Krakowski. Her main qualification for this role is that she's married which means I don't have to worry about on-stage chemistry stealing John Stamos away from me.
Haley - Lea Michele
The complete opposite of Rachel Berry, Michele will shine as conceited oldest sister Haley. I'm already working on several songs for Lea to belt, but I think her Glee character's tune My Headband could transition to stage perfectly.
Alex - Anna Kendrick
I think Anna Kendrick is the only person on earth who could understand the snark and sarcasm that Alex's character requires. Plus, she's just awesome.
Luke - Nolan Gould
Because in that one episode, Luke sings and we are all shocked to discover he has the voice of an angel. Seriously. His voice haunts my dreams. In a good way. Fun fact about Nolan, he's in MENSA. The kid is a genius. I think it's safe to say he got dis.
Mitchell - Neil Patrick Harris
This was the easiest spot to fill, NPH does so many strong characters I'm sure he can nail the rude, caustic, butthole that Mitch is.
Cam - Nathan Lane
I know he's already on the show as the pretentious and annoying Pepper, but I couldn't imagine anyone else playing Cam on stage. I mean it's Nathan Lane!
Lily - Kristin Chenoweth
What? It's colorblind casting. Is it really a Broadway musical without the goddess that is Kristin Chenoweth? And besides, Kristin is tiny, she can play Lily just fine.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
People of Instagram
The Chef
Posts meals they make all the time and use the hashtag I hate most in this world. #FoodPorn. Why people? This hashtag makes me cringe. If you're actually a chef making intricate plates that look like works of art, I might want to see that every now and then. If you microwaved some green beans and chicken nuggets and slide them onto a paper plate, I actually couldn't care less about it.
The Dog Lover
Always posting pictures of his/her (although lets be real, it's probably a girl) dog that may or may not include human faces. This can be completely annoying or completely acceptable. There's a curve based on how adorable the dog is.
The Cat Lover
Always posting pictures of her cat (cause if there is a guy always posting cat pics we have another name for that). Remarkably less acceptable than the dog lover.
The Parent
Very similar to the dog lover, posts pictures of only their children all the time, also the annoyance depends on how cute the child is. Quite a few of my friends have completely darling children so I look forward to liking every single picture they post.
The Shopper
Constantly posting items they have recently purchased and/or themselves on shopping trips. I could easily be this person but I am committed to hiding from everyone, myself included, the ridiculous amount of money I spend shopping.
The Comedian
Posts funny notes, GIFs, jokes, includes comical captions on most pictures. I fancy myself a comedian as I hope you've noticed.
The Artist
AKA, the hipster. Always posting pics of latte art and graffiti because ever since they went to a liberal arts school they are just too cool for the rest of you uncultured people. This is always annoying, even when it's a celebrity. It's pretentious times infinity.
The Selfie Addict
Anytime someone posts the same selfie more than once, you know they have a problem. Selfies are like vegetables. A few is alright, but moderation is key.
The Hashtag Enthusiast
#Stop #hashtagging #every #word #in # your #caption. Especially the whole #likesforlikes #IGers #tagsforlikes #followforfollow crowd. #No. #Just #Stop.
The Day of the Week Poster
Selfie Sunday, Man Candy Monday, Transformation Tuesday, Woman Crush Wednesday, Throwback Thursday. Their posts are like clockwork and during exams, these guys are the only reason I know what day it is.
The Look at How Much Fun We're Having Poster
Posts mainly pictures of him/herself with a large group of friends at a party or other event. Is likely not really friends with the majority of these people. Uses the term "turnt up" way too much.
The Pic Stitcher
Ok, this is me. In reality this is someone who does not want to post multiple pics in the same day even though they have multiple cute pictures from the concert/party/weekend. In the social media world this can be seen as someone who needs their face to be viewed from a distance. Ok, that's me too.
And last but not least...
The White Girl
You know who you are. You probably tag at least 5 people, use at least 2 hashtags and 4 emojis on every post. You have a decent amount of selfies and never post a picture that doesn't get at least 20 likes. Your posts are equally annoying and inspiring, especially the Marilyn Monroe quote you undoubtedly have tucked away somewhere. Your username is a clever play on your real name or your name with at least 5 of the same letter (ex: @emilyyyyyyy). You have a mix of selfies, party pics, wannabe artsy posts, quotes, and baby animals that somehow works. 11 likes is child's play because you're instafamous and you know it.
Posts meals they make all the time and use the hashtag I hate most in this world. #FoodPorn. Why people? This hashtag makes me cringe. If you're actually a chef making intricate plates that look like works of art, I might want to see that every now and then. If you microwaved some green beans and chicken nuggets and slide them onto a paper plate, I actually couldn't care less about it.
The Dog Lover
Always posting pictures of his/her (although lets be real, it's probably a girl) dog that may or may not include human faces. This can be completely annoying or completely acceptable. There's a curve based on how adorable the dog is.
The Cat Lover
Always posting pictures of her cat (cause if there is a guy always posting cat pics we have another name for that). Remarkably less acceptable than the dog lover.
The Parent
Very similar to the dog lover, posts pictures of only their children all the time, also the annoyance depends on how cute the child is. Quite a few of my friends have completely darling children so I look forward to liking every single picture they post.
The Shopper
Constantly posting items they have recently purchased and/or themselves on shopping trips. I could easily be this person but I am committed to hiding from everyone, myself included, the ridiculous amount of money I spend shopping.
The Comedian
Posts funny notes, GIFs, jokes, includes comical captions on most pictures. I fancy myself a comedian as I hope you've noticed.
The Artist
AKA, the hipster. Always posting pics of latte art and graffiti because ever since they went to a liberal arts school they are just too cool for the rest of you uncultured people. This is always annoying, even when it's a celebrity. It's pretentious times infinity.
The Selfie Addict
Anytime someone posts the same selfie more than once, you know they have a problem. Selfies are like vegetables. A few is alright, but moderation is key.
The Hashtag Enthusiast
#Stop #hashtagging #every #word #in # your #caption. Especially the whole #likesforlikes #IGers #tagsforlikes #followforfollow crowd. #No. #Just #Stop.
The Day of the Week Poster
Selfie Sunday, Man Candy Monday, Transformation Tuesday, Woman Crush Wednesday, Throwback Thursday. Their posts are like clockwork and during exams, these guys are the only reason I know what day it is.
The Look at How Much Fun We're Having Poster
Posts mainly pictures of him/herself with a large group of friends at a party or other event. Is likely not really friends with the majority of these people. Uses the term "turnt up" way too much.
The Pic Stitcher
Ok, this is me. In reality this is someone who does not want to post multiple pics in the same day even though they have multiple cute pictures from the concert/party/weekend. In the social media world this can be seen as someone who needs their face to be viewed from a distance. Ok, that's me too.
And last but not least...
The White Girl
You know who you are. You probably tag at least 5 people, use at least 2 hashtags and 4 emojis on every post. You have a decent amount of selfies and never post a picture that doesn't get at least 20 likes. Your posts are equally annoying and inspiring, especially the Marilyn Monroe quote you undoubtedly have tucked away somewhere. Your username is a clever play on your real name or your name with at least 5 of the same letter (ex: @emilyyyyyyy). You have a mix of selfies, party pics, wannabe artsy posts, quotes, and baby animals that somehow works. 11 likes is child's play because you're instafamous and you know it.
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