As a firm believer that almost everything could and should be made into a musical, I began casting the musical of my life ages ago. Lea Michele would play me of course because the resemblance is striking. Brown eyes, brown hair, I can hardly tell where she ends and I begin (hint, it's somewhere around 85 pounds). Naturally, I have begun the casting process for several of my favorite shows and movies should 20th Century Fox or MGM get back to me about the possibility of turning them into musicals. But I've been on hold with Disney about Kim Possible the Musical for 37 hours and counting regarding the naked mole rat I fed exed them, so don't expect any news soon.
In hopes that the ABC network will be more receptive to my stage adaptation advances, I cast Modern Family the Musical this week. I think you will find my choices unconventional and highly inappropriate.
Jay - Jeff Goldblum
I admit he's not as portly as Ed O'Neill but don't you just love to look at him? I missed a whole season of Glee because a world were Jeff Goldblum is gay is not a world I care to participate in. Goldblum has the sternness, experience and commanding stage presence required to play the patriarch.
Gloria - Idina Menzel
Need I say more? Idina is like the high priestess of Broadway and we should all sacrifice our copies of the movie Rent at a shrine to her in hopes to one day be fabulous too. The exotic Menzel is the only Broadway beauty qualified to portray such a sexy scene stealer.
DeDe - Bernadette Peters
Broadway royalty. DeDe is rarely on the show but I wrote her into the musical just to have a spot for Mrs. Peters. Who does crazy better than a ginger? Bernadette would be the perfect psycho ex-wife.
Manny - Nick Jonas
I think the youngest Jonas is the only youth on Broadway who can really portray the persnickety feminism of Manny. Manny's my least favorite character for several reasons, but maybe Nick can change that.
Phil - John Stamos
Bad boy Uncle Jesse as nice and clueless dad Phil? Perf. I think John Stamos needs this role 10% because he has black hair like Phil and 90% because I'm in love with him.
Claire - Jane Krakowski
The neurotic stay at home mom who keeps the chaotic household running. Had to be Krakowski. Her main qualification for this role is that she's married which means I don't have to worry about on-stage chemistry stealing John Stamos away from me.
Haley - Lea Michele
The complete opposite of Rachel Berry, Michele will shine as conceited oldest sister Haley. I'm already working on several songs for Lea to belt, but I think her Glee character's tune My Headband could transition to stage perfectly.
Alex - Anna Kendrick
I think Anna Kendrick is the only person on earth who could understand the snark and sarcasm that Alex's character requires. Plus, she's just awesome.
Luke - Nolan Gould
Because in that one episode, Luke sings and we are all shocked to discover he has the voice of an angel. Seriously. His voice haunts my dreams. In a good way. Fun fact about Nolan, he's in MENSA. The kid is a genius. I think it's safe to say he got dis.
Mitchell - Neil Patrick Harris
This was the easiest spot to fill, NPH does so many strong characters I'm sure he can nail the rude, caustic, butthole that Mitch is.
Cam - Nathan Lane
I know he's already on the show as the pretentious and annoying Pepper, but I couldn't imagine anyone else playing Cam on stage. I mean it's Nathan Lane!
Lily - Kristin Chenoweth
What? It's colorblind casting. Is it really a Broadway musical without the goddess that is Kristin Chenoweth? And besides, Kristin is tiny, she can play Lily just fine.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
People of Instagram
The Chef
Posts meals they make all the time and use the hashtag I hate most in this world. #FoodPorn. Why people? This hashtag makes me cringe. If you're actually a chef making intricate plates that look like works of art, I might want to see that every now and then. If you microwaved some green beans and chicken nuggets and slide them onto a paper plate, I actually couldn't care less about it.
The Dog Lover
Always posting pictures of his/her (although lets be real, it's probably a girl) dog that may or may not include human faces. This can be completely annoying or completely acceptable. There's a curve based on how adorable the dog is.
The Cat Lover
Always posting pictures of her cat (cause if there is a guy always posting cat pics we have another name for that). Remarkably less acceptable than the dog lover.
The Parent
Very similar to the dog lover, posts pictures of only their children all the time, also the annoyance depends on how cute the child is. Quite a few of my friends have completely darling children so I look forward to liking every single picture they post.
The Shopper
Constantly posting items they have recently purchased and/or themselves on shopping trips. I could easily be this person but I am committed to hiding from everyone, myself included, the ridiculous amount of money I spend shopping.
The Comedian
Posts funny notes, GIFs, jokes, includes comical captions on most pictures. I fancy myself a comedian as I hope you've noticed.
The Artist
AKA, the hipster. Always posting pics of latte art and graffiti because ever since they went to a liberal arts school they are just too cool for the rest of you uncultured people. This is always annoying, even when it's a celebrity. It's pretentious times infinity.
The Selfie Addict
Anytime someone posts the same selfie more than once, you know they have a problem. Selfies are like vegetables. A few is alright, but moderation is key.
The Hashtag Enthusiast
#Stop #hashtagging #every #word #in # your #caption. Especially the whole #likesforlikes #IGers #tagsforlikes #followforfollow crowd. #No. #Just #Stop.
The Day of the Week Poster
Selfie Sunday, Man Candy Monday, Transformation Tuesday, Woman Crush Wednesday, Throwback Thursday. Their posts are like clockwork and during exams, these guys are the only reason I know what day it is.
The Look at How Much Fun We're Having Poster
Posts mainly pictures of him/herself with a large group of friends at a party or other event. Is likely not really friends with the majority of these people. Uses the term "turnt up" way too much.
The Pic Stitcher
Ok, this is me. In reality this is someone who does not want to post multiple pics in the same day even though they have multiple cute pictures from the concert/party/weekend. In the social media world this can be seen as someone who needs their face to be viewed from a distance. Ok, that's me too.
And last but not least...
The White Girl
You know who you are. You probably tag at least 5 people, use at least 2 hashtags and 4 emojis on every post. You have a decent amount of selfies and never post a picture that doesn't get at least 20 likes. Your posts are equally annoying and inspiring, especially the Marilyn Monroe quote you undoubtedly have tucked away somewhere. Your username is a clever play on your real name or your name with at least 5 of the same letter (ex: @emilyyyyyyy). You have a mix of selfies, party pics, wannabe artsy posts, quotes, and baby animals that somehow works. 11 likes is child's play because you're instafamous and you know it.
Posts meals they make all the time and use the hashtag I hate most in this world. #FoodPorn. Why people? This hashtag makes me cringe. If you're actually a chef making intricate plates that look like works of art, I might want to see that every now and then. If you microwaved some green beans and chicken nuggets and slide them onto a paper plate, I actually couldn't care less about it.
The Dog Lover
Always posting pictures of his/her (although lets be real, it's probably a girl) dog that may or may not include human faces. This can be completely annoying or completely acceptable. There's a curve based on how adorable the dog is.
The Cat Lover
Always posting pictures of her cat (cause if there is a guy always posting cat pics we have another name for that). Remarkably less acceptable than the dog lover.
The Parent
Very similar to the dog lover, posts pictures of only their children all the time, also the annoyance depends on how cute the child is. Quite a few of my friends have completely darling children so I look forward to liking every single picture they post.
The Shopper
Constantly posting items they have recently purchased and/or themselves on shopping trips. I could easily be this person but I am committed to hiding from everyone, myself included, the ridiculous amount of money I spend shopping.
The Comedian
Posts funny notes, GIFs, jokes, includes comical captions on most pictures. I fancy myself a comedian as I hope you've noticed.
The Artist
AKA, the hipster. Always posting pics of latte art and graffiti because ever since they went to a liberal arts school they are just too cool for the rest of you uncultured people. This is always annoying, even when it's a celebrity. It's pretentious times infinity.
The Selfie Addict
Anytime someone posts the same selfie more than once, you know they have a problem. Selfies are like vegetables. A few is alright, but moderation is key.
The Hashtag Enthusiast
#Stop #hashtagging #every #word #in # your #caption. Especially the whole #likesforlikes #IGers #tagsforlikes #followforfollow crowd. #No. #Just #Stop.
The Day of the Week Poster
Selfie Sunday, Man Candy Monday, Transformation Tuesday, Woman Crush Wednesday, Throwback Thursday. Their posts are like clockwork and during exams, these guys are the only reason I know what day it is.
The Look at How Much Fun We're Having Poster
Posts mainly pictures of him/herself with a large group of friends at a party or other event. Is likely not really friends with the majority of these people. Uses the term "turnt up" way too much.
The Pic Stitcher
Ok, this is me. In reality this is someone who does not want to post multiple pics in the same day even though they have multiple cute pictures from the concert/party/weekend. In the social media world this can be seen as someone who needs their face to be viewed from a distance. Ok, that's me too.
And last but not least...
The White Girl
You know who you are. You probably tag at least 5 people, use at least 2 hashtags and 4 emojis on every post. You have a decent amount of selfies and never post a picture that doesn't get at least 20 likes. Your posts are equally annoying and inspiring, especially the Marilyn Monroe quote you undoubtedly have tucked away somewhere. Your username is a clever play on your real name or your name with at least 5 of the same letter (ex: @emilyyyyyyy). You have a mix of selfies, party pics, wannabe artsy posts, quotes, and baby animals that somehow works. 11 likes is child's play because you're instafamous and you know it.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
The Lost Art of Self Esteem
This week's topic of discussion is parking. I know, just stay with me here. Assuming that a rough majority of my readers are indeed white girls, I think it's safe to say that a lot of us have a hard time with parking. It's okay. It's hard out here for a self-appointed princess. I have noticed that I must live in a predominately white/female neighborhood because NO ONE can park.
I decided that it was in my best interest to offer a free parking seminar for the neighborhood but that plan promptly failed when I realized I was definitely not qualified to teach it. And I think that really says it all. When it comes to parking, the key is knowing your limits. I don't ever try to parallel park because I know I can't do it. So instead of spending 15 minutes trying to squeeze my car into a parallel space as if I'm trying to stuff my foot inside a size 6 Jessica Simpson pump because it's on sale, I just park wherever I can manage, if I happen to be in a fire zone or blocking a bus or 2 in, so be it.
But this theory of recognizing your own inabilities is not exclusive to parking. I think there are many areas of life where it would benefit white girls to realize hey, maybe it's not for us. Maybe we stop trying so hard? (Thick gold chains, wearing dunks, trying to look cool in basketball jerseys, Miley, I'm talking to you. Please just realize that women of color rock all of these and we just look ridiculous. Please give up.)
But the main place I think that white girls just refuse to accept that we are actually not Beyonce? Social Media.
Thanks to the 3 Ps, pop culture, photoshop and p-Anna Kendrick, women are feeling more inadequate. It's an epidemic really. But there is an alternate side to this phenomenon. Self esteem is like blood pressure. It's really bad if yours is too low but it's also pretty terrible if it's too high.
There are too many girls out there with self confidence that is too low. This is a terrible trend made worse by the girls whose self confidence is just too high.
Let that sink in.
Consider this saying:
"There are two mistakes you can make in life. One is thinking you're special. The other is thinking you aren't."
Like she might be an 8, sure, but she thinks she's a 27. And that's not cool.
I cannot overstate the importance of knowing your league. Many think I'm a 3, but then others think I'm a solid 4. And I embrace it.
So my advice is to realize that while it is super great that you have learned to love yourself in spite of all your imperfections, please stop trying to shove your appreciation of your own body down everyone else's throats. We get it. You have abs, you love the gap in your teeth, you feel confident wearing a bikini, et cetera and et cetera.
I decided that it was in my best interest to offer a free parking seminar for the neighborhood but that plan promptly failed when I realized I was definitely not qualified to teach it. And I think that really says it all. When it comes to parking, the key is knowing your limits. I don't ever try to parallel park because I know I can't do it. So instead of spending 15 minutes trying to squeeze my car into a parallel space as if I'm trying to stuff my foot inside a size 6 Jessica Simpson pump because it's on sale, I just park wherever I can manage, if I happen to be in a fire zone or blocking a bus or 2 in, so be it.
But this theory of recognizing your own inabilities is not exclusive to parking. I think there are many areas of life where it would benefit white girls to realize hey, maybe it's not for us. Maybe we stop trying so hard? (Thick gold chains, wearing dunks, trying to look cool in basketball jerseys, Miley, I'm talking to you. Please just realize that women of color rock all of these and we just look ridiculous. Please give up.)
But the main place I think that white girls just refuse to accept that we are actually not Beyonce? Social Media.
Thanks to the 3 Ps, pop culture, photoshop and p-Anna Kendrick, women are feeling more inadequate. It's an epidemic really. But there is an alternate side to this phenomenon. Self esteem is like blood pressure. It's really bad if yours is too low but it's also pretty terrible if it's too high.
There are too many girls out there with self confidence that is too low. This is a terrible trend made worse by the girls whose self confidence is just too high.
Let that sink in.
Consider this saying:
"There are two mistakes you can make in life. One is thinking you're special. The other is thinking you aren't."
Like she might be an 8, sure, but she thinks she's a 27. And that's not cool.
I cannot overstate the importance of knowing your league. Many think I'm a 3, but then others think I'm a solid 4. And I embrace it.
So my advice is to realize that while it is super great that you have learned to love yourself in spite of all your imperfections, please stop trying to shove your appreciation of your own body down everyone else's throats. We get it. You have abs, you love the gap in your teeth, you feel confident wearing a bikini, et cetera and et cetera.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Shopper's Delight
I hope you all caught that reference to Run DMC.
I have a severe aversion to keeping money in the bank. As ultimate white girl hero slash fashionista extroadinaire, Carrie Bradshaw, once said. "I like my money right where I can see it, hanging in my closet." And when I'm shopping, I swear it's like I'm Miley and the words "clearance" or "sale" are that dern sledge hammer, cause I am all over them. My shopping trip yesterday inspired me to make a playlist that captures the various emotions I experience while on a shopping trip.
Price Tag
Just to remind myself "It's not about the money, money, money." Cause I have no money, money, money.
Where Have You Been-Rihanna
When you finally find that piece you've been looking for for months but could never find because your mom said no store would actually sell fur-trimmed leggings and you're so overjoyed that you almost cry from happiness.
All I Want is You-Miguel
For those rare occasions when you walk into a store, see something so perfect (and probably expensive) that you know it will be your only purchase there.
Never Wanted Nothing More-Kenny Chesney
You have to have this mindset if you're going to sucker, I mean talk, your parents into buying something for you. (Hi Mom!)
Two Is Better than One-Boys Like Girls & Taylor Swift
Because when you like something, you buy it. When you love something, you buy one in every color.
She Will Be Loved-Maroon 5
When you're thrift shopping and find the perfect vintage piece. You just have to let her know that she's going to a good home and you will treat her right.
Another One Bites the Dust-Queen
After each mid-checkout discovery that yet another one of your credit cards is maxed out.
Meet Me Half Way-The Black Eyed Peas
When you are trying to explain to the cashier that you should not be charged the full price for a top because it was on the sale rack. Sure it was misplaced but that's not your fault, all you want is the discount.
We Can't Stop
This is exactly how I feel when I'm in a store that's having a huge sale. And I won't stop. Only God and VISA can judge my spending habits.
It's Goin Down-Young Joc
Perfectly describes my bank account balance.
Racks-YC
Racks on racks on racks. Of clothes of clothes of clothes. And shoes and shoes and shoes. And bills and bills and bills.
If We Ever Meet Again-Timbaland & Katy Perry
When you really can't purchase something and you have to settle for vowing to buy it if you ever see it again.
You Belong With Me-Taylor Swift
As an encore to If We Ever Meet Again or when some other chick buys the last of something out from under you.
Should've Said No-Taylor Swift
When you try on something that is too expensive because your friend asks you too and then it just so happens to make it look like you have a waist AND hide your cankles so you HAVE to buy it.
That Don't Impress Me Much-Shania Twain
Whenever a store has a disappointing selection of shoes when you were hoping for so much more. If there's only 3 different styles of wedges available, there's your sign.
It's Gotta Be You-Backstreet Boys
When you see something that you really shouldn't spend that much money on, but you just have to. It makes me go crazy but I never wanna stop, ya know?
What Now-Rihanna
I mentally belt this after each checkout, like what store am I gonna hit next? "Whaaaaaaat! Nowwwwwwww!" But it never takes me long to "just figure it out."
Dude (Looks Like a Lady)-Aerosmith
Because if you're out shopping and don't see at least one guy cross dressing, you're just not shopping in the poshest neighborhood.
A Whole New World-Aladdin Soundtrack
This song perfectly captures my emotions after I went into LOFT for the first time. I can't remember my life before Ann Taylor's luxe sweaters and clean dress pants.
I have a severe aversion to keeping money in the bank. As ultimate white girl hero slash fashionista extroadinaire, Carrie Bradshaw, once said. "I like my money right where I can see it, hanging in my closet." And when I'm shopping, I swear it's like I'm Miley and the words "clearance" or "sale" are that dern sledge hammer, cause I am all over them. My shopping trip yesterday inspired me to make a playlist that captures the various emotions I experience while on a shopping trip.
Price Tag
Just to remind myself "It's not about the money, money, money." Cause I have no money, money, money.
Where Have You Been-Rihanna
When you finally find that piece you've been looking for for months but could never find because your mom said no store would actually sell fur-trimmed leggings and you're so overjoyed that you almost cry from happiness.
All I Want is You-Miguel
For those rare occasions when you walk into a store, see something so perfect (and probably expensive) that you know it will be your only purchase there.
Never Wanted Nothing More-Kenny Chesney
You have to have this mindset if you're going to sucker, I mean talk, your parents into buying something for you. (Hi Mom!)
Two Is Better than One-Boys Like Girls & Taylor Swift
Because when you like something, you buy it. When you love something, you buy one in every color.
She Will Be Loved-Maroon 5
When you're thrift shopping and find the perfect vintage piece. You just have to let her know that she's going to a good home and you will treat her right.
Another One Bites the Dust-Queen
After each mid-checkout discovery that yet another one of your credit cards is maxed out.
Meet Me Half Way-The Black Eyed Peas
When you are trying to explain to the cashier that you should not be charged the full price for a top because it was on the sale rack. Sure it was misplaced but that's not your fault, all you want is the discount.
We Can't Stop
This is exactly how I feel when I'm in a store that's having a huge sale. And I won't stop. Only God and VISA can judge my spending habits.
It's Goin Down-Young Joc
Perfectly describes my bank account balance.
Racks-YC
Racks on racks on racks. Of clothes of clothes of clothes. And shoes and shoes and shoes. And bills and bills and bills.
If We Ever Meet Again-Timbaland & Katy Perry
When you really can't purchase something and you have to settle for vowing to buy it if you ever see it again.
You Belong With Me-Taylor Swift
As an encore to If We Ever Meet Again or when some other chick buys the last of something out from under you.
Should've Said No-Taylor Swift
When you try on something that is too expensive because your friend asks you too and then it just so happens to make it look like you have a waist AND hide your cankles so you HAVE to buy it.
That Don't Impress Me Much-Shania Twain
Whenever a store has a disappointing selection of shoes when you were hoping for so much more. If there's only 3 different styles of wedges available, there's your sign.
It's Gotta Be You-Backstreet Boys
When you see something that you really shouldn't spend that much money on, but you just have to. It makes me go crazy but I never wanna stop, ya know?
What Now-Rihanna
I mentally belt this after each checkout, like what store am I gonna hit next? "Whaaaaaaat! Nowwwwwwww!" But it never takes me long to "just figure it out."
Dude (Looks Like a Lady)-Aerosmith
Because if you're out shopping and don't see at least one guy cross dressing, you're just not shopping in the poshest neighborhood.
A Whole New World-Aladdin Soundtrack
This song perfectly captures my emotions after I went into LOFT for the first time. I can't remember my life before Ann Taylor's luxe sweaters and clean dress pants.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
The Best of 2013
When I woke up this morning the first thing I thought was "Man, it feels great to not wear make up!" And it continued to feel great until I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror which led to my second thought of the day "Good Lord, who's that troll?!" and then my third thought, "That troll is you, you idiot. You were definitely not born with 'it'."
But I don't look this terrible every morning. Okay, that's a lie but last night, New Year's Eve slash my best friend Caroline's 21st birthday, is obviously the reason (excuse) for me starting 2014 on such a low note. So I'm sitting in my room, which used be my youngest brother's room, complete with racecar wallpaper that was real popular circa never, just reflecting on 2013.
This week I am recalling a dozen of the year's finest moments, month by month.
January
2013 started off with a bang (or lack thereof) when it became pretty apparent that the world was indeed not ending. I consider this a huge win. Mayans - 0. Everyone Else - 1.
February
Jennifer Lawrence wins an Academy Award, which leads to more Jennifer Lawrence. J Law is flawless slash hilarious and I wish we were best friends but I will settle for pathetic fangirl.
Honorable Mention: The Beyonce/Destiny's Child concert at the Super Bowl.
March
Marked exactly one more year until the first film in the Divergent series. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
April
Gun control legislation stops at the Senate, proving that at least some politicians remember that we have a Constitution. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.
May
The International Olympic Committee announces that softball and baseball are being considered for the 2020 Olympics. This is a HUGE deal because America DOMINATES both of these sports, and the U.S. Men's Baseball team practice facility is less than an hour away from my house. (The committee ultimately voted against both. Sore losers.)
June
Another Heat championship means Lebron is one step closer to finally getting the respect he deserves. This was tough for me as a Spurs fan (Manu Ginobili is yet another man I'm in love with), but my 2 favorite teams in the finals? Can't hate it.
July
On the 4th of July the Statue of Liberty reopens for the first time after Hurricane Sandy. Huge day for America.
August
NSYNC reunites at the VMAs. And all the white girls said "Amen." Furthermore, Justin proves sexy never left.
September
Marlin's Alvarez throws a walk-off no-hitter. If you're not familiar with America's pastime (shame on you!), this is a pretty big deal. White girl translation - it's like meeting Ryan Gosling, dancing with Channing Tatum and Luke Bryan singing a song he wrote for you all in the same day.
October
Obamacare proves to be almost as overrated and disappointing as its namesake himself. Fastforward a few months and more people have signed an internet petition in support of Phil Robertson than have registered for Obamacare.
November
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire premiere. Aka the film event that I waited over a year for. An outstanding movie, but the trailer for Divergent stole the show. I cried from excitement. I'm pathetic.
December
Beyonce's surprise album. Because Queen Bey did the dern thing, like she always does. Came out right in the middle of exam week. This album was partially responsible for my poor showing on my Media Law final. Oops.
But I don't look this terrible every morning. Okay, that's a lie but last night, New Year's Eve slash my best friend Caroline's 21st birthday, is obviously the reason (excuse) for me starting 2014 on such a low note. So I'm sitting in my room, which used be my youngest brother's room, complete with racecar wallpaper that was real popular circa never, just reflecting on 2013.
This week I am recalling a dozen of the year's finest moments, month by month.
January
2013 started off with a bang (or lack thereof) when it became pretty apparent that the world was indeed not ending. I consider this a huge win. Mayans - 0. Everyone Else - 1.
February
Jennifer Lawrence wins an Academy Award, which leads to more Jennifer Lawrence. J Law is flawless slash hilarious and I wish we were best friends but I will settle for pathetic fangirl.
Honorable Mention: The Beyonce/Destiny's Child concert at the Super Bowl.
March
Marked exactly one more year until the first film in the Divergent series. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
April
Gun control legislation stops at the Senate, proving that at least some politicians remember that we have a Constitution. The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.
May
The International Olympic Committee announces that softball and baseball are being considered for the 2020 Olympics. This is a HUGE deal because America DOMINATES both of these sports, and the U.S. Men's Baseball team practice facility is less than an hour away from my house. (The committee ultimately voted against both. Sore losers.)
June
Another Heat championship means Lebron is one step closer to finally getting the respect he deserves. This was tough for me as a Spurs fan (Manu Ginobili is yet another man I'm in love with), but my 2 favorite teams in the finals? Can't hate it.
July
On the 4th of July the Statue of Liberty reopens for the first time after Hurricane Sandy. Huge day for America.
August
NSYNC reunites at the VMAs. And all the white girls said "Amen." Furthermore, Justin proves sexy never left.
September
Marlin's Alvarez throws a walk-off no-hitter. If you're not familiar with America's pastime (shame on you!), this is a pretty big deal. White girl translation - it's like meeting Ryan Gosling, dancing with Channing Tatum and Luke Bryan singing a song he wrote for you all in the same day.
October
Obamacare proves to be almost as overrated and disappointing as its namesake himself. Fastforward a few months and more people have signed an internet petition in support of Phil Robertson than have registered for Obamacare.
November
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire premiere. Aka the film event that I waited over a year for. An outstanding movie, but the trailer for Divergent stole the show. I cried from excitement. I'm pathetic.
December
Beyonce's surprise album. Because Queen Bey did the dern thing, like she always does. Came out right in the middle of exam week. This album was partially responsible for my poor showing on my Media Law final. Oops.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
A White Girl Christmas List
Every year Christmas season rolls around so much sooner than I expect. It feels like just yesterday I was hitting all the December 26th, 2012 craft store sales and buying my weight (roughly the equivalent of Santa's) in Christmas decorations and now it's already Christmas Day 2013! I swear Christmas season gets shorter and shorter every year, although my personal Christmas song/sock season perpetually gets longer and longer. This time next year I will likely already be ringing in Christmas 2015.
With the Shortening Christmas Season Conspiracy (on this week's 60 Minutes), there's less and less time to figure out what you want so when everyone starts asking what's on your list you end up giving them all the same 5 generic items. It's all fun and reindeer games until you suddenly find yourself the proud owner of at least half a dozen copies of every movie Channing Tatum or Zac Efron has ever starred in, a few thousand scarves and what feels like a million nail polishes that all start to look the same after your fourth eggnog.
So I am taking the "What?" out of "What should I get you for Christmas?" Hold your applause. Think of this as a master list that you can consult every holiday season until white girl goes out of style (so 3 years ago or approximately never, depending on how you look that things).
The Ultimate White Girl Christmas Wish List*
an infinity sign tattoo
anything from my Pintrest page
Michael Kors bag/watch
a puppy
a giftcard to Starbucks
an infinity scarf with a sassy print
Lilly Pulitzer ________
Uggs
a collection of deep quotes to caption my selfies
any poster of Marilyn Monroe
a Megaticket
anything from Forever 21
a cardigan
anything with a Disney princess theme
a spray tan
an ombre hair dye kit
a pomsky
anything in my Etsy or Wanelo shopping carts
all monogram/chevron everything
any piece of jewelry that has a bow motif
Nutella
a miniature pig named Kevin Bacon
hummus
Pitch Perfect
a Pandora bracelet/charms
yoga pants/leggings/shorts
any Nicholas Sparks book/movie
a North Face
a statement necklace
a monogram necklace/ring
*About half of the things on this list are items I personally want, the other half are things I am making fun of. Make a fun holiday game of guessing which is which!
With the Shortening Christmas Season Conspiracy (on this week's 60 Minutes), there's less and less time to figure out what you want so when everyone starts asking what's on your list you end up giving them all the same 5 generic items. It's all fun and reindeer games until you suddenly find yourself the proud owner of at least half a dozen copies of every movie Channing Tatum or Zac Efron has ever starred in, a few thousand scarves and what feels like a million nail polishes that all start to look the same after your fourth eggnog.
So I am taking the "What?" out of "What should I get you for Christmas?" Hold your applause. Think of this as a master list that you can consult every holiday season until white girl goes out of style (so 3 years ago or approximately never, depending on how you look that things).
The Ultimate White Girl Christmas Wish List*
an infinity sign tattoo
anything from my Pintrest page
Michael Kors bag/watch
a puppy
a giftcard to Starbucks
an infinity scarf with a sassy print
Lilly Pulitzer ________
Uggs
a collection of deep quotes to caption my selfies
any poster of Marilyn Monroe
a Megaticket
anything from Forever 21
a cardigan
anything with a Disney princess theme
a spray tan
an ombre hair dye kit
a pomsky
anything in my Etsy or Wanelo shopping carts
all monogram/chevron everything
any piece of jewelry that has a bow motif
Nutella
a miniature pig named Kevin Bacon
hummus
Pitch Perfect
a Pandora bracelet/charms
yoga pants/leggings/shorts
any Nicholas Sparks book/movie
a North Face
a statement necklace
a monogram necklace/ring
*About half of the things on this list are items I personally want, the other half are things I am making fun of. Make a fun holiday game of guessing which is which!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
5 Million Golden Rings
I hope everyone's holiday season is going well, and just to be clear when I say holiday I mean Christmas. Wanna know how my break has been? Basically one engagement after another. Back at school, everyone was single so I didn't realize how alone I am. But in my hometown it's nothing but other twenty-somethings planning weddings and doing other lame adult stuff (buying houses, getting real jobs, being financially secure, blah blah blah). If I had more actual friends I would feel just like Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses, but let's face it I'm much more of an "always my only friend's plus one and never a bridesmaid" type (thanks Em!).
In an effort to make myself feel better, I immediately wrote a list of all the reasons it's fun being alone at Christmas. Ok, that's a lie I immediately ate a dozen oreo truffles but then I wrote my list.
Reasons it's Great Being Single During the Holidays
1) Hey, it's 1 less person to buy a gift for.
2) You don't have to take cheesy couple pictures by the tree.
3) You can eat all the Christmas goodies you make instead of sharing.
4) You can sing your favorite Christmas song on repeat instead of mixing in theirs.
5) You won't receive any "couple" gifts. (Edward and Bella salt and pepper shakers, just what we wanted! Barf.)
6) You don't have to ask yourself "Is this the proposal?" before every holiday event.
7) You don't have to share credit for all the awesome gifts you buy.
8) You can spend the whole month of December with YOUR friends and family, not theirs.
9) You don't have to worry about how cute-but-not-hot you look in your "allegedly tacky" Christmas sweater because you love it and IT LIGHTS UP.
10) You don't have to stick with the set of wrenches you picked in Dirty Santa because your guy wants them. You go for that bubble bath and slippers, girl!
If none of these reasons proved to you that one strong, independent partridge paying her own rent in that pear tree is better than 2 stinkin turtle doves, then you are more than welcome to join any of the following dating websites I am working on (patents pending).
DisneyLovers.Magic.com
Because you deserve someone who can and will sing every word to Colors of the Wind with you.
BaptistBlindDates.com
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my church. (Baptists love the Spice Girls, you didn't know?)
GryffindorMeet.com
Connecting Rons to their Hermiones since the Sorcerer's Stone. Perfect for finding a date to the Yule Ball.
IfWe'reBeingHonestI'mReallyAHufflepuff.com
Most people are, and that's ok. I'm a Ravenclaw obviously, but Hufflepuffs need lovin too!
SquibsAnonymous.com
Anonymous since no one would actually admit to being a squib. Maybe if Filch had a special someone he would stop being so freakin weird.
PitbullFans.Dale.com
Because the 2 of them really belong together. Same for KristenStewartLovers.com and CarrotToppers.com.
GOPMingle.com
Because I live in a ridiculously liberal town and I know my Reagan in shining armor is out there somewhere.
TeemPeetaRulesGaleDrools.com
A moderate obsession with Josh Hutcherson is completely healthy. If a couple is on opposite sides of this bitter debate, they will never last.
Brad&Jen4Ever.90skids.com
Raise your hand if you felt personally victimized by their divorce. That's why this URL narrowly beat out MillennialsWhoDon'tStillLiveWithTheirParentsMeet.com.
In an effort to make myself feel better, I immediately wrote a list of all the reasons it's fun being alone at Christmas. Ok, that's a lie I immediately ate a dozen oreo truffles but then I wrote my list.
Reasons it's Great Being Single During the Holidays
1) Hey, it's 1 less person to buy a gift for.
2) You don't have to take cheesy couple pictures by the tree.
3) You can eat all the Christmas goodies you make instead of sharing.
4) You can sing your favorite Christmas song on repeat instead of mixing in theirs.
5) You won't receive any "couple" gifts. (Edward and Bella salt and pepper shakers, just what we wanted! Barf.)
6) You don't have to ask yourself "Is this the proposal?" before every holiday event.
7) You don't have to share credit for all the awesome gifts you buy.
8) You can spend the whole month of December with YOUR friends and family, not theirs.
9) You don't have to worry about how cute-but-not-hot you look in your "allegedly tacky" Christmas sweater because you love it and IT LIGHTS UP.
10) You don't have to stick with the set of wrenches you picked in Dirty Santa because your guy wants them. You go for that bubble bath and slippers, girl!
If none of these reasons proved to you that one strong, independent partridge paying her own rent in that pear tree is better than 2 stinkin turtle doves, then you are more than welcome to join any of the following dating websites I am working on (patents pending).
DisneyLovers.Magic.com
Because you deserve someone who can and will sing every word to Colors of the Wind with you.
BaptistBlindDates.com
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my church. (Baptists love the Spice Girls, you didn't know?)
GryffindorMeet.com
Connecting Rons to their Hermiones since the Sorcerer's Stone. Perfect for finding a date to the Yule Ball.
IfWe'reBeingHonestI'mReallyAHufflepuff.com
Most people are, and that's ok. I'm a Ravenclaw obviously, but Hufflepuffs need lovin too!
SquibsAnonymous.com
Anonymous since no one would actually admit to being a squib. Maybe if Filch had a special someone he would stop being so freakin weird.
PitbullFans.Dale.com
Because the 2 of them really belong together. Same for KristenStewartLovers.com and CarrotToppers.com.
GOPMingle.com
Because I live in a ridiculously liberal town and I know my Reagan in shining armor is out there somewhere.
TeemPeetaRulesGaleDrools.com
A moderate obsession with Josh Hutcherson is completely healthy. If a couple is on opposite sides of this bitter debate, they will never last.
Brad&Jen4Ever.90skids.com
Raise your hand if you felt personally victimized by their divorce. That's why this URL narrowly beat out MillennialsWhoDon'tStillLiveWithTheirParentsMeet.com.
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