Obligatory Fall Post

This is White Girl Wednesday, and now that it's October and undeniably fall, I had to do a fall post. White girls love fall, and I for one do not know why. They always tweet about yoga pants, scarves, hot chocolate and other things that I generally associate with winter. As far as I'm concerned, pants should be worn as little as possible, which is why I have deemed November through February to be pants season. All other months are shorts-friendly. So in my little world (and I don't mean little in a demeaning way, I mean we're very exclusive), fall is only the month of October. September is still summer and November is winter. Please not that this has a lot to do with the fact that I live in North Carolina and therefore our Septembers are still ridiculously hot and by November I'm just so pumped for Christmas that I decide it's officially winter.

That being said, I'm not really a fall person. Now there are plenty of traditional white girl things that I dislike. Sororities, fraternities, Starbucks, Jack Rogers, Lilly Pulitzer, Michael Kors, and Twilight to name a few. But I think that not loving fall is the biggest offense against my fellow white girls. There are some things I love about fall. There are some things I really don't like about fall. At the risk of having my government-issued white girl card revoked, I am going to share those today.

Love...bugs dying. Hate...leaves.
I am highly allergic to insect bites, grass, seasons, just nature in general. I have an entire fire ant kit that I keep with me because if there is a fire ant mound within a mile radius of me, I will find it. It's a hidden talent of mine. So one thing I look forward to as the weather changes is the imminent death of the beasts that have plagued me in particular since early March. I swear there is a mafia of baby mosquitoes outside my house that have it out for me. Some fall nights I go to sleep with a smile on my face just knowing that those pests are slowly freezing to death. About this same time, leaves start to fall. And leaves are cool I guess, but white girls totally flip out over them. Leaves kind of annoy me because they make my steps so loud that I can't follow my crush around campus in a nondescript way. I can't tell what's worse, all the Instagram posts of leaves and trees or all the tweets that are nothing but emoji leaves and trees. Let's just call it a tie.

Love...Hocus Pocus. Hate...all other Halloween movies.
I think we can all agree that Hocus Pocus is one of the best movies ever made and Sarah Jessica Parker has never looked better. But...ABC Family starts pumping everyone up at the beginning of September for 13 Days of Halloween (which will NEVER be 25 Days of Christmas, no matter how hard Tim Burton and Beetlejuice both try), but the sad reality is that the other Halloween movies just aren't that great. I know what you're thinking, The Little Vampire is totally awesome, and you're right. But The Little Vampire can be watched year round, it's epicness cannot be confined to a season. But come on, Halloweentown? It's a no from me (Simon Cowell voice).

Love...Mean Girls Day. Hate..."Computer Learning Month".
October the Third is obviously one of my favorite holidays, it's one of those white girl trappings you just can't avoid. I'm actually working on a petition to make every October third that happens to fall on a Wednesday the official White Girl Wednesday holiday, celebrated by everyone wearing pink which is perfect because it's breast cancer awareness month. Yes I have too much free time and yes, I'll keep you posted. But that brings me to my next point. What you probably don't know is that October is Computer Learning Month. I am not okay with that on so many levels. First of all, who dares steal breast cancer awareness's thunder? Shame on you! And last of all, techies are always talking about how computers are so smart and they can do this and they can replace me and blah blah blah. Why don't computers take a month to learn how to work with humans? How about that? Cause I can't even figure out how to send an email since Microsoft Office updated and I refuse to believe that is my fault.

Love...pumpkin muffins. Hate...pumpkin everything else.
As a white girl I am expected to be obsessed with pumpkin-flavored everything, especially the pumpkin spice latte. But I don't drink coffee, so every fall I break two white girl cliches with one caffeine aversion. I do however, appreciate a moderate pumpkin flavor, such as in my pumpkin muffins, which are delicious. But I do not deck the halls with pumpkin candles every October, I do not eat pumpkin pie and I do not try to insert pumpkin flavor into perfectly innocent recipes.

Love...football. Hate...not basketball.
I love football just as much as the next white girl. And by "the next white girl" I obviously mean all those girls who tweet stupid stuff like "Yay Tom Brady is so cute, go Cowboys!" to make it seem like they actually watch football. I love spending a Sunday watching football with my family, but I have no desire to watch football 24/7 and I refuse to pretend that I do. My favorite part about football season is that it means my Dad will finally stop watching baseball for a little while and basketball season is on the way. Once basketball is back on TV, football turns back into a pumpkin (fall pun completely intended).

Love...scarves. Hate...infinity scarves.
Like I said earlier, scarves are great. In the winter, when it's cold. If you live in Canada, you can wear scarves all year round, but here in America it is not normally cold enough to wear a scarf on October 1st just because all the white girls got together and decided that day marks the official start of fall instead of the fall equinox, as decided centuries ago. Scarves are for warmth people, if I can see your elbows and/or knees, you don't need to be wearing a scarf. Which brings me to infinity scarves. Infinity scarves are completely ingenuous when used correctly. If no part of the scarf is actually touching the front of your neck, I want to punch you there just to remind you what that scarf is supposed to be doing.