Let me tell y'all something...I'm not an animal person. I get that this makes me weird, heartless, cruel, a jerk, whatever. I don't care. Whenever someone asks me what my favorite animal is I just say children. I do of course love otters as much as the next person because let's face it, otters=friendship=love. Those little guys hold hands when they fall asleep so they don't drift apart and lose each other, and if that's not precious then I don't know what is.
Anyways, I am currently living in a house with 3 pets, and 3 roommates. It's not as bad as I thought it would be either. I mean the roommates, the pets are actually awful. I'm jkin of course (because the verb just kidding can now be abbreviated). The pets are okay, but the best part about them is that they all have their own distinct and hilarious personalities. Frederick is by far the smartest and the dogs are in a tie for dumbest.
As much as I believe that I deserve my on reality show (a cross between Glee and Lizzie McGuire), my pets could actually have their own show. Between dealing with their 4 mothers and each other, these guys could easily have a weekly show about their shenanigans. So consider this week's post a preview of the pitch I will be making to E! Network shortly.
PS-I took the liberty of editing the profanity out of Frederick's thoughts. He's about that sass life.
Frederick the Turtle
"Day 47. Still planning my escape."
"Day 43. I have finally been placed in a new containment facility. Bigger. His majesty is pleased."
"Day 36. The dogs get to roam wherever they please. I am trapped. I hate these women."
"Day 33. No one asked me if I wanted a puppy."
"Day 29. Why does the fat one keep talking to me like I'm an infant. I am a 50 year old reptile."
"Day 23. The blonde one thinks we're friends. Ugh."
"Day 22. Still looking to escape. There's a crack in my container that I have high hopes for."
"Day 15. My escape plan is taking longer than I had hoped. Rats."
"Day 10. Various attempts to end my life have all failed."
"Day 8. They surely know they have to feed me and change my water...right?"
Gauge the Black Lab Puppy
"Hey Marge. Aren't you so glad we're best friends?"
"It's so nice of my moms to buy such a big couch for me to poop under."
"Marge! Wanna play with me yet? No? How about now? Still no? Now?"
"Look Marge, we're going on a walk together. A best friend walk."
"Marge is sitting down. She must want to play."
"Hey Marge I got your rope so we can play with it together."
"Have to pee, have to p...just peed."
"Everybody's gonna love today, love today, love today."
"What rhymes with feed me? Hey hey hey."
"Marge is sleeping. She wants to play!"
Marge the Boxer
"I hate that stupid puppy."
"Gauge this, Gauge that. I'm cute too!"
"My underbite is looking dapper as always."
"Seriously why is the puppy still here?"
"Puppy stahp this is mine. And that. That's mine too."
"Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?"
"Someone get the puppy off my face please. Someone? Help."
"If I keep trying I will eventually be able to fit under this table."
"Mom let me sit on you. Not beside you, not near you. On you."
"This is my couch. Like seriously, get off."
And a special shout out to my friend Josh for taking my advice...there's a first for everything.
No comments:
Post a Comment