To My Future Children

For girls in middle school, 3 things are certain. Ugliness, awkwardness, and fighting with your mother. I told my mother that I thought 13 was a bad age for me and she said 13 wasn't as bad as 17. I was 17 at the time. Ouch.

Anyways, although we have had our rough patches, like when she gave away my EasyBake Oven, got my cousin the only toy I wanted for Christmas, and forgot my birthday, my Mom is awesome. She started a journal to me before I was born and updated it every few months. Which inspired me to do the same for my children. But I figure, why wait until I know for certain that I'm not going to die alone with only cats and or a collection of rare reptiles that will inevitably end up eating most of my body before I'm discovered? That could take decades! So I'm starting today.

Future Children-

First of all, let me just say that I am hoping there are 6 of you. If there are less than 4 of you then I have succeeded in my dream of starting my own non-profit. So yay me, but I am also not making any money. Good thing I made this an electronic letter or we would probably be burning it for warmth. If there are more than 6 of you then I have succeeded in my other dream of marrying rich and I am likely lounging in the veranda with a sparkling white grape juice cocktail or buying my body weight in accessories as the nanny reads this to you.

There are several issues you may have with me. First of all, you all have Hebrew names. You're welcome. You may have inherited my mediocre looks, knack for self-deprecating humor, and lackluster body. I apologize for that. But I'm sure you all have dashing personalities. If any of you have my widow's peak, again I'm sorry. I want you to begin your adolescence knowing you need to buy sunglasses with large round frames to balance out your heart-shaped face, a lesson I learned the hard way.

I am really hoping I have grown out of saying "your mom" after literally everything by now. I don't count on it, but it would be nice. You guys may be upset at me for forcing you to watch many of the greatest shows of my time, which your stupid generation would call outdated. Let me just tell you that everything I needed to know in life, I learned from Friends. You might say "Mom you're so lame we wanna watch Miley: Twerkin for Love and Dancing with People Who Were on TV Once. I hate Big Bang Theory, could anyone be less cool than Sheldon Cooper?" And to that, I say "your mom!"

I needed some help in finishing this letter, so I turned to the source of ultimate wisdom. The internet. According to Yahoo Answers, an official sponsor of my college career, there are 8 words I should include in this letter. Love, notice, enjoy, proud, cherish, hope, believe, and promise. So here goes.

You should all know that I love kit kats, so don't think I don't notice when y'all take mine. I really enjoy how you all stop talking when I enter the room, I'm sure it's a sign of respect. I am proud that you know all of the words to Baby Got Back. While I will always cherish my life before wearing pants in public, I wouldn't trade you all for a million pesos. Two million and we'll talk. I hope you appreciate the musical genius that is Phil Collins, because I believe he is the Chuck Norris of percussion. I can't promise that I will be less weird in the future, so don't get your hopes up.

All my love and what was left of my sanity,
Mom